When your spouse is selfish in bed......

[Anonymous]

So, after 2 years of trying to figure out why my sex drive was so low and blaming birth control, having a baby, stress, etc I finally realized it's because my DH is very selfish in bed. If I ask for anything, he blows it off, says he's doing whatever he wants to, pouts, or will just end things because he's suddenly too tired or feels too sick.

I've tried talking to him about it with no luck. I'm now putting into place an "I get mine first then you can get yours" rule but I have a feeling that will lead to no sex at all.

Anyone else deal with this successfully?

[Anonymous]

Yep I had an affair with a very unselfish man (apparently they are out there).

[Anonymous]

I"m guessing this attitude that he has translates into more than just sex. You need to flat out tell him he needs to take care of you too.

[Anonymous]

OMG we have the same husband!

I'll be vague since this is the non-explicit forum. I need a certain act to "get mine" and he wasn't doing it, but expected me to do it for him. I stopped doing it at all unless he did it for me first. That still meant he got his and I didn't, but at least I wasn't putting as much work into it.

Long story short, I asked him for an open marriage and he agreed, but when I actually found an unselfish FWB, DH couldn't handle it. So we're back to monogamy at least for the time being. I am trying new sex toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG we have the same husband!

I'll be vague since this is the non-explicit forum. I need a certain act to "get mine" and he wasn't doing it, but expected me to do it for him. I stopped doing it at all unless he did it for me first. That still meant he got his and I didn't, but at least I wasn't putting as much work into it.

Long story short, I asked him for an open marriage and he agreed, but when I actually found an unselfish FWB, DH couldn't handle it. So we're back to monogamy at least for the time being. I am trying new sex toys.

He didn't even step up his game when you asked for an open marriage b/c he was selfish in bed? Crazy lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, after 2 years of trying to figure out why my sex drive was so low and blaming birth control, having a baby, stress, etc I finally realized it's because my DH is very selfish in bed. If I ask for anything, he blows it off, says he's doing whatever he wants to, pouts, or will just end things because he's suddenly too tired or feels too sick.

I've tried talking to him about it with no luck. I'm now putting into place an "I get mine first then you can get yours" rule but I have a feeling that will lead to no sex at all.

Anyone else deal with this successfully?

I dunno about "selfish" but how about just plain "bad in bed"? I have been a horndog most of my life, and lately I'm about to go out of my head fantasizing about random women I meet. DW, however, is pretty much too intimidated/insecure to do much of anything...she's even self-conscious about receiving oral. My drive at home is approaching zero, and not, it's not ED or low T. I would try to talk to her about it, but pretty much bringing it up triggers massive feelings of inadequacy which just compounds the original problem. I think I should probably up my game and just initiate and bring the passion and she may respond (she does 50% of the time) but honestly, I'm bringing all of it...if I drop the rope (and don't initiate) NOTHING happens. I tried this..we went 3 months. I'm just not all that excited about it...I have to make myself initiate, and getting excited requires a heavy dose of fantasizing about other women. I really want a sex life with my wife, not other women I fantasize about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG we have the same husband!

I'll be vague since this is the non-explicit forum. I need a certain act to "get mine" and he wasn't doing it, but expected me to do it for him. I stopped doing it at all unless he did it for me first. That still meant he got his and I didn't, but at least I wasn't putting as much work into it.

Long story short, I asked him for an open marriage and he agreed, but when I actually found an unselfish FWB, DH couldn't handle it. So we're back to monogamy at least for the time being. I am trying new sex toys.

He didn't even step up his game when you asked for an open marriage b/c he was selfish in bed? Crazy lame.

He made some half-hearted attempts to up his game, but he'd always revert back to form. Selfish lovers don't know they're selfish even if you think you've made your needs clear. They're dense and have huge, if fragile, egos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dunno about "selfish" but how about just plain "bad in bed"? I have been a horndog most of my life, and lately I'm about to go out of my head fantasizing about random women I meet. DW, however, is pretty much too intimidated/insecure to do much of anything...she's even self-conscious about receiving oral. My drive at home is approaching zero, and not, it's not ED or low T. I would try to talk to her about it, but pretty much bringing it up triggers massive feelings of inadequacy which just compounds the original problem. I think I should probably up my game and just initiate and bring the passion and she may respond (she does 50% of the time) but honestly, I'm bringing all of it...if I drop the rope (and don't initiate) NOTHING happens. I tried this..we went 3 months. I'm just not all that excited about it...I have to make myself initiate, and getting excited requires a heavy dose of fantasizing about other women. I really want a sex life with my wife, not other women I fantasize about.

Well dude you are the man. Take charge of the situation. Tell her exactly what to do from "get naked" all the way through to the "now go make me a sammich" part.

[Anonymous]

Sex was always about my DH finishing. Never seemed to know or care whether I did. I really grew to resent him and dislike sex. We made the mistake of not talking about it for too long. Ultimately it came up in the course of improving our communication and we are working to get to a better place but his selfishness really hurt.

[Anonymous]

if I drop the rope (and don't initiate) NOTHING happens.

DW here. I wish my DH would pick up the rope. And tie me up with it.

I can't relate to your particular problem, OP, because DH is really conscious about me going first, sometimes to the point of insistence (some days I'm not feeling it but I want HIM to have a good time, but I dont want the pressure of having to orgasm first so he can....). But I can relate to not having the same tastes or adventure level. That being said I dont know what I would do with a selfish lover, except call him on it. I mean, have you told him essentially he's a shitty lover?

[Anonymous]

I have a suspicion this is the case for so many women in sexless marriages. I have so many female friends that have NEVER had an orgasm. Now I sleep with women, not men, and let me tell you- you will hardly ever meet a lesbian who's never had an orgasm. I haven't met one. It is 100% down to men limiting sex to PIV sex (when they say "let's have sex" they always mean PIV, not acts that will get the woman off) because that's what they enjoy, despite the fact that many many women will NEVER orgasm from PIV sex. No wonder so many young women are going lezzie. Men are just... clues less and selfish. Not a good combo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno about "selfish" but how about just plain "bad in bed"? I have been a horndog most of my life, and lately I'm about to go out of my head fantasizing about random women I meet. DW, however, is pretty much too intimidated/insecure to do much of anything...she's even self-conscious about receiving oral. My drive at home is approaching zero, and not, it's not ED or low T. I would try to talk to her about it, but pretty much bringing it up triggers massive feelings of inadequacy which just compounds the original problem. I think I should probably up my game and just initiate and bring the passion and she may respond (she does 50% of the time) but honestly, I'm bringing all of it...if I drop the rope (and don't initiate) NOTHING happens. I tried this..we went 3 months. I'm just not all that excited about it...I have to make myself initiate, and getting excited requires a heavy dose of fantasizing about other women. I really want a sex life with my wife, not other women I fantasize about.

Well dude you are the man. Take charge of the situation. Tell her exactly what to do from "get naked" all the way through to the "now go make me a sammich" part.

That's just an unnecessarily complicated form of masturbation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno about "selfish" but how about just plain "bad in bed"? I have been a horndog most of my life, and lately I'm about to go out of my head fantasizing about random women I meet. DW, however, is pretty much too intimidated/insecure to do much of anything...she's even self-conscious about receiving oral. My drive at home is approaching zero, and not, it's not ED or low T. I would try to talk to her about it, but pretty much bringing it up triggers massive feelings of inadequacy which just compounds the original problem. I think I should probably up my game and just initiate and bring the passion and she may respond (she does 50% of the time) but honestly, I'm bringing all of it...if I drop the rope (and don't initiate) NOTHING happens. I tried this..we went 3 months. I'm just not all that excited about it...I have to make myself initiate, and getting excited requires a heavy dose of fantasizing about other women. I really want a sex life with my wife, not other women I fantasize about.

Well dude you are the man. Take charge of the situation. Tell her exactly what to do from "get naked" all the way through to the "now go make me a sammich" part.

That's just an unnecessarily complicated form of masturbation.

I think I love you. I might even make you a sammich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dunno about "selfish" but how about just plain "bad in bed"? I have been a horndog most of my life, and lately I'm about to go out of my head fantasizing about random women I meet. DW, however, is pretty much too intimidated/insecure to do much of anything...she's even self-conscious about receiving oral. My drive at home is approaching zero, and not, it's not ED or low T. I would try to talk to her about it, but pretty much bringing it up triggers massive feelings of inadequacy which just compounds the original problem. I think I should probably up my game and just initiate and bring the passion and she may respond (she does 50% of the time) but honestly, I'm bringing all of it...if I drop the rope (and don't initiate) NOTHING happens. I tried this..we went 3 months. I'm just not all that excited about it...I have to make myself initiate, and getting excited requires a heavy dose of fantasizing about other women. I really want a sex life with my wife, not other women I fantasize about.

Well dude you are the man. Take charge of the situation. Tell her exactly what to do from "get naked" all the way through to the "now go make me a sammich" part.

That's just an unnecessarily complicated form of masturbation.

Ha! And you wonder why you're not getting laid. Hilarious. Sucks to be you.

[Anonymous]

I thought it was SOP for the girl to get hers first. Huh.