S/O - If your family refused to meet your partner...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my family refused to meet my Middle Eastern husband because he was Middle Eastern, they would not be seeing either one of us, or our child. Full stop.

I highly doubt that their bigotry would be restricted to this issue, though, so probably I would not feel like it's a huge loss.

As to the person who said you can have relationships about other things and be "tolerant" I guess if that works for you, great, but I cannot imagine being "tolerant" of family members who refuse to even meet my husband because of his ethnic origin. I do not find it intolerant to refuse to reward that kind of behavior.

If you don't need your parents in your life, that's OK.

If my parents were bigots, no, I would not need them in my life. Do you people have no standards?

People who spent countless sleepless nights with me, cuddled with me, read to me, took care of me when I was sick (and well), made my meals, did my laundry for years, paid for my college? Yeah, my standards for them are pretty low

I cannot fathom how damaging it woukd be to a marriage or relationship if you prioritize bigots who hate and reject your spouse over her or him.

She doesn't understand that "good" people can also do evil. I wonder how far her loyalty to her family extends: drug dealers, murderers, child molesters? Or is it just bigots who get a pass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friends family refused to meet his affair partner so he saw them on their terms. They never met her. They were only married 5 years so I guess he went to family events without her for about 8 years.

His son ran into them once, he hugged his dad, made small talk and then went on his business as if she was not there.

Unless the AP was also "the wrong race, religion, or gender", this is not the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it would depend. To me, refusing to meet because the person is the "wrong race, gender or religion" are not equal characteristics.

Why are they different? They are all characteristics that you cannot change because you were born with it.

Not true at all. And besides, I thought we could now "change genders"... remember that?

They are all things you are, not things you do. That's why they are protected classes.

Really? Practicing a religion is something that you "do." Changing your gender is something that you "do."

Go back to the drawing board on this one. Your talking points aren't quite in order yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it would depend. To me, refusing to meet because the person is the "wrong race, gender or religion" are not equal characteristics.

Why are they different? They are all characteristics that you cannot change because you were born with it.

Not true at all. And besides, I thought we could now "change genders"... remember that?

They are all things you are, not things you do. That's why they are protected classes.

Really? Practicing a religion is something that you "do." Changing your gender is something that you "do."

Go back to the drawing board on this one. Your talking points aren't quite in order yet.

Religion is about what you believe. Most people act the same 99.9% of the time and would be indistinguishable during a 1-hour meet the parents meeting. So the problem is about the belief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it would depend. To me, refusing to meet because the person is the "wrong race, gender or religion" are not equal characteristics.

Why are they different? They are all characteristics that you cannot change because you were born with it.

Not true at all. And besides, I thought we could now "change genders"... remember that?

They are all things you are, not things you do. That's why they are protected classes.

Really? Practicing a religion is something that you "do." Changing your gender is something that you "do."

Go back to the drawing board on this one. Your talking points aren't quite in order yet.

I can really see you being a jerk to your kids significant other regardless though. So probably the distinction makes no difference to you.

[Anonymous]

As long as their judgment wasn't based on the way he treated me, but was based on some random demographic I would probably limit my interactions with my family.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone trying to force their views on the PP who wouldn't ditch her family for her partner?

[Anonymous]

I can't really imagine a world where I was raised by bigots, so honestly, I would probably start to be concerned that my parents had dementia or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone trying to force their views on the PP who wouldn't ditch her family for her partner?

Because she is just as disrespectful as her parents by being complicit in their racism. Worse, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my family refused to meet my Middle Eastern husband because he was Middle Eastern, they would not be seeing either one of us, or our child. Full stop.

I highly doubt that their bigotry would be restricted to this issue, though, so probably I would not feel like it's a huge loss.

As to the person who said you can have relationships about other things and be "tolerant" I guess if that works for you, great, but I cannot imagine being "tolerant" of family members who refuse to even meet my husband because of his ethnic origin. I do not find it intolerant to refuse to reward that kind of behavior.

If you don't need your parents in your life, that's OK.

If my parents were bigots, no, I would not need them in my life. Do you people have no standards?

People who spent countless sleepless nights with me, cuddled with me, read to me, took care of me when I was sick (and well), made my meals, did my laundry for years, paid for my college? Yeah, my standards for them are pretty low

Is sexual abuse okay too, or just emotional abuse?

I don't consider it to be emotional abuse. I love them, want them in my life, will overlook many of their flaws. Hope my kids will treat me the same.

That makes you a bigot by association. How does your partner feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So where are YOUR lines drawn? For me, racism is a dealbreaker. If I learned that my father was a racist, I wouldn't even need to be married to a person of color. I don't want people like that in my life, period.

No way I'd break up with my parents over their racist views. Ripping apart families along ideological and political lines is an ugly and a dangerous way of thinking.

But that means they would hate your mixed race kids as well. That would be ok with you?

[Anonymous]

Here's as example from my own family. Grandparent raised in a rural area in the South. Grandparent was a kind, loving parent to my parent and siblings. One sibling became very ill, Grandparent cared for the child 24/7, took the child to many doctors in different cities, despite cost (which was a factor), and eventually donated a kidney to the child. The child survived, grew up, had children, remained very close to Grandparent. This child's daughter married a man of another race. Grandparent was not very supportive of this decision. Should the child who received Grandparent's care, and kidney, have cut off the Grandparent because of this? (That's not what happened, by the way).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's as example from my own family. Grandparent raised in a rural area in the South. Grandparent was a kind, loving parent to my parent and siblings. One sibling became very ill, Grandparent cared for the child 24/7, took the child to many doctors in different cities, despite cost (which was a factor), and eventually donated a kidney to the child. The child survived, grew up, had children, remained very close to Grandparent. This child's daughter married a man of another race. Grandparent was not very supportive of this decision. Should the child who received Grandparent's care, and kidney, have cut off the Grandparent because of this? (That's not what happened, by the way).

I would not cut off someone really old. But I would make it clear they disappointed me and they wouldn't be allowed to see my mixed race kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone trying to force their views on the PP who wouldn't ditch her family for her partner?

Because she is just as disrespectful as her parents by being complicit in their racism. Worse, really.

No, she is not complicit simply because she does not choose to cut them off. Not agreeing with a loved one who may be ignorant or insular does not require me to cut them off my life.

Everyone gets to draw their own line regarding their family relationships. You don't get to dictate it. You don't get to pronounce one 'disrespectful' or 'complicit' because their boundaries and tolerance are different from yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone trying to force their views on the PP who wouldn't ditch her family for her partner?

Because she is just as disrespectful as her parents by being complicit in their racism. Worse, really.

No, she is not complicit simply because she does not choose to cut them off. Not agreeing with a loved one who may be ignorant or insular does not require me to cut them off my life.

Everyone gets to draw their own line regarding their family relationships. You don't get to dictate it. You don't get to pronounce one 'disrespectful' or 'complicit' because their boundaries and tolerance are different from yours.

I do, because she is. If you choose to support a bigot at the expense of your spouse, you are a bigot. Period.

Or maybe at every gathering she reminds them what terrible people they are? Doubt it.