S/O - If your family refused to meet your partner...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my family refused to meet my Middle Eastern husband because he was Middle Eastern, they would not be seeing either one of us, or our child. Full stop.

I highly doubt that their bigotry would be restricted to this issue, though, so probably I would not feel like it's a huge loss.

As to the person who said you can have relationships about other things and be "tolerant" I guess if that works for you, great, but I cannot imagine being "tolerant" of family members who refuse to even meet my husband because of his ethnic origin. I do not find it intolerant to refuse to reward that kind of behavior.

If you don't need your parents in your life, that's OK.

If my parents were bigots, no, I would not need them in my life. Do you people have no standards?

People who spent countless sleepless nights with me, cuddled with me, read to me, took care of me when I was sick (and well), made my meals, did my laundry for years, paid for my college? Yeah, my standards for them are pretty low

Is sexual abuse okay too, or just emotional abuse?

I don't consider it to be emotional abuse. I love them, want them in my life, will overlook many of their flaws. Hope my kids will treat me the same.

[Anonymous]

I would try to convince them of the errors of their ways as gently and kindly as possible, but I would eventually have to cut them off if they couldn't embrace the family I've made.

[Anonymous]

I would remind my family of who they claim to be, and how they promised to support me. I'd keep reminding them, gently, and attempting to build a bridge. But I would be non-negotiable in my partner and I being a combined package.

But my family, while wildly disfunctional in many areas, is pretty accepting and non-judgmental. One thing I never worried about is that anyone I loved, who treated me well, would be warmly welcomed into our family.

I am so sad for people who don't have that kind of acceptance in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So where are YOUR lines drawn? For me, racism is a dealbreaker. If I learned that my father was a racist, I wouldn't even need to be married to a person of color. I don't want people like that in my life, period.

No way I'd break up with my parents over their racist views. Ripping apart families along ideological and political lines is an ugly and a dangerous way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Refusing to even meet the person is pretty strong. I think I would cut off in that situation. My mother was never that rude - she always included my now husband - she just let me know privately that she did not approve of my interracial relationship. If I hadn't told him, I'm not sure he would have known of her "reservations." Fortunately I was able to impress upon her that her views were abhorrent to me and I would not be taking her side ever. When she realized I was serious about DH and about not caving, she came around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Refusing to even meet the person is pretty strong. I think I would cut off in that situation. My mother was never that rude - she always included my now husband - she just let me know privately that she did not approve of my interracial relationship. If I hadn't told him, I'm not sure he would have known of her "reservations." Fortunately I was able to impress upon her that her views were abhorrent to me and I would not be taking her side ever. When she realized I was serious about DH and about not caving, she came around.

Or didn't. Might be she is pretending in order to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So where are YOUR lines drawn? For me, racism is a dealbreaker. If I learned that my father was a racist, I wouldn't even need to be married to a person of color. I don't want people like that in my life, period.

No way I'd break up with my parents over their racist views. Ripping apart families along ideological and political lines is an ugly and a dangerous way of thinking.

I can see that. I mean if Goebbels didn't kill all of his children in the bunker with him and his wife, they would probably feel like you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Refusing to even meet the person is pretty strong. I think I would cut off in that situation. My mother was never that rude - she always included my now husband - she just let me know privately that she did not approve of my interracial relationship. If I hadn't told him, I'm not sure he would have known of her "reservations." Fortunately I was able to impress upon her that her views were abhorrent to me and I would not be taking her side ever. When she realized I was serious about DH and about not caving, she came around.

Or didn't. Might be she is pretending in order to spend time with you.

I don't think this would even matter to me. For me, it would be the disrespect that would be the dealbreaker. Have whatever opinion you want, but refusing to meet my partner is just plain rude. We can agree to disagree, but your actions need to be civil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it would depend. To me, refusing to meet because the person is the "wrong race, gender or religion" are not equal characteristics.

Why are they different? They are all characteristics that you cannot change because you were born with it.

Not true at all. And besides, I thought we could now "change genders"... remember that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it would depend. To me, refusing to meet because the person is the "wrong race, gender or religion" are not equal characteristics.

Why are they different? They are all characteristics that you cannot change because you were born with it.

Not true at all. And besides, I thought we could now "change genders"... remember that?

They are all things you are, not things you do. That's why they are protected classes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
So where are YOUR lines drawn? For me, racism is a dealbreaker. If I learned that my father was a racist, I wouldn't even need to be married to a person of color. I don't want people like that in my life, period.

No way I'd break up with my parents over their racist views. Ripping apart families along ideological and political lines is an ugly and a dangerous way of thinking.

That means that you share their views.
That says to me you'd never marry someone of a different race.
So you don't know how this would affect a family dealing with racism from the in-laws. Because I don't know a single person who would allow themselves or their mixed-race children to be treated like nobodies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my family refused to meet my Middle Eastern husband because he was Middle Eastern, they would not be seeing either one of us, or our child. Full stop.

I highly doubt that their bigotry would be restricted to this issue, though, so probably I would not feel like it's a huge loss.

As to the person who said you can have relationships about other things and be "tolerant" I guess if that works for you, great, but I cannot imagine being "tolerant" of family members who refuse to even meet my husband because of his ethnic origin. I do not find it intolerant to refuse to reward that kind of behavior.

If you don't need your parents in your life, that's OK.

If my parents were bigots, no, I would not need them in my life. Do you people have no standards?

People who spent countless sleepless nights with me, cuddled with me, read to me, took care of me when I was sick (and well), made my meals, did my laundry for years, paid for my college? Yeah, my standards for them are pretty low

I cannot fathom how damaging it woukd be to a marriage or relationship if you prioritize bigots who hate and reject your spouse over her or him.

[Anonymous]

I will keep trying to reach out my family. I also don't want to be the reason for the break, if it's his family that dislike me.

[Anonymous]

I would never date someone my family didn't approve of . I was raised to always follow my parents orders no matter what. This is why I'm single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your family refused to meet your partner because they were of the wrong race, religion, or gender, would you cut off your relationship with your family or continue to reach out for acceptance?

It doesn't have to be so simplistic. You can still have relationship with your family without including your partner. I would skip the holidays and spend time with them alone.

Why would you want to spend time with people that bigoted? I might attend funerals, but otherwise, they wouldn't see or hear from me.