S/O - If your family refused to meet your partner...

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, it would depend. To me, refusing to meet because the person is the "wrong race, gender or religion" are not equal characteristics.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't cut off my family, but I wouldn't allow them to exclude my partner either. If we're catching up on the phone, I wouldn't mention my partner where relevant, not throwing the relationship in their faces but also not pretending my partner doesn't exist. If they want to make plans to get together, I'll go if my partner is included and politely decline if he's not. I would continue to be open to them, but with a clear understanding that accepting me also means accepting my choice of partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your family refused to meet your partner because they were of the wrong race, religion, or gender, would you cut off your relationship with your family or continue to reach out for acceptance?

It doesn't have to be so simplistic. You can still have relationship with your family without including your partner. I would skip the holidays and spend time with them alone.

But why continue spending time with people who clearly don't love you enough to meet someone that's important to you? Especially if it means spending time away from a partner who does love you?

Yes, because I love them and want them in my life. I also have no doubt that they love me, just disagree with me on certain things and chices. It's OK, I am going to be tolerant and not hate them for that.

What if your tolerance of your family's views meant hurting your partner?

How would they hurt my partner? They are not going to see him. I don't have to discuss their feelings with him. So no, I am not going to cut people who gave birth to me and raised me out of my life. Sure, its more work but I'll do it to keep both sides happy.

Are you saying that you would be okay being in a relationship where your partner saw their parents, but you would never meet them? I feel like it would become very clear to me that they simply didn't want to meet me. I guess I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that knowing that my partner didn't stick up for me.

Stick up for me how? By forcing people who don't want to meet me meet me? Not sure I want to be in a situation like that. But I also don't want him to cut off relationship with his parents and siblings. Don't want to live with that type of sacrifice made in my name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point in my life, I would not trade my family for a sex partner. These two are simply not comparable.

We're not talking about a booty call, we're talking about the person you are building your life with, be they a spouse or a long term partner.

I don't think I'd be building a life with someone who doesn't jive with with people I dearly love. They will always be there. Partners, including LTRs and spouses, tend to drop off the face of the earth.

You are bent on restricting this to discrimination of legally protected classes, but people may not like each other for a number of unrelated reasons. Read the Family Forum and weep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it would depend. To me, refusing to meet because the person is the "wrong race, gender or religion" are not equal characteristics.

So you think some discrimination is okay? You wouldn't want your colleagues or neighbors to think you are a racist perhaps but don't mind if you are seen as a closed-minded bigot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, it would depend. To me, refusing to meet because the person is the "wrong race, gender or religion" are not equal characteristics.

Why are they different? They are all characteristics that you cannot change because you were born with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your family refused to meet your partner because they were of the wrong race, religion, or gender, would you cut off your relationship with your family or continue to reach out for acceptance?

It doesn't have to be so simplistic. You can still have relationship with your family without including your partner. I would skip the holidays and spend time with them alone.

How does that work, they never come to your house or your partner has to find another place to stay when they visit you?

[Anonymous]

My best friends family refused to meet his affair partner so he saw them on their terms. They never met her. They were only married 5 years so I guess he went to family events without her for about 8 years.

His son ran into them once, he hugged his dad, made small talk and then went on his business as if she was not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your family refused to meet your partner because they were of the wrong race, religion, or gender, would you cut off your relationship with your family or continue to reach out for acceptance?

It doesn't have to be so simplistic. You can still have relationship with your family without including your partner. I would skip the holidays and spend time with them alone.

But why continue spending time with people who clearly don't love you enough to meet someone that's important to you? Especially if it means spending time away from a partner who does love you?

Yes, because I love them and want them in my life. I also have no doubt that they love me, just disagree with me on certain things and chices. It's OK, I am going to be tolerant and not hate them for that.

What if your tolerance of your family's views meant hurting your partner?

How would they hurt my partner? They are not going to see him. I don't have to discuss their feelings with him. So no, I am not going to cut people who gave birth to me and raised me out of my life. Sure, its more work but I'll do it to keep both sides happy.

Are you saying that you would be okay being in a relationship where your partner saw their parents, but you would never meet them? I feel like it would become very clear to me that they simply didn't want to meet me. I guess I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that knowing that my partner didn't stick up for me.

Stick up for me how? By forcing people who don't want to meet me meet me? Not sure I want to be in a situation like that. But I also don't want him to cut off relationship with his parents and siblings. Don't want to live with that type of sacrifice made in my name.

I'm not sure what a good compromise here would be, but it would certainly be really weird to me if I never met my in-laws and DH went on vacation with them once a year and just never mentioned me. I would feel like I didn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your family refused to meet your partner because they were of the wrong race, religion, or gender, would you cut off your relationship with your family or continue to reach out for acceptance?

It doesn't have to be so simplistic. You can still have relationship with your family without including your partner. I would skip the holidays and spend time with them alone.

How does that work, they never come to your house or your partner has to find another place to stay when they visit you?

Right, not at our house. They are the ones causing problem so they'll have to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your family refused to meet your partner because they were of the wrong race, religion, or gender, would you cut off your relationship with your family or continue to reach out for acceptance?

It doesn't have to be so simplistic. You can still have relationship with your family without including your partner. I would skip the holidays and spend time with them alone.

How does that work, they never come to your house or your partner has to find another place to stay when they visit you?

Right, not at our house. They are the ones causing problem so they'll have to host.

Would you just leave your partner behind? Like they would spend the holidays alone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point in my life, I would not trade my family for a sex partner. These two are simply not comparable.

We're not talking about a booty call, we're talking about the person you are building your life with, be they a spouse or a long term partner.

I don't think I'd be building a life with someone who doesn't jive with with people I dearly love. They will always be there. Partners, including LTRs and spouses, tend to drop off the face of the earth.

You are bent on restricting this to discrimination of legally protected classes, but people may not like each other for a number of unrelated reasons. Read the Family Forum and weep.

Well, I guess I'm just lucky that my family is full of good, loving people that wouldn't force me to make a decision like this. We welcome partners with open arms, even if we aren't each other's cup of tea, because we love each other and want each other to be happy.

[Anonymous]

If my family refused to meet my Middle Eastern husband because he was Middle Eastern, they would not be seeing either one of us, or our child. Full stop.

I highly doubt that their bigotry would be restricted to this issue, though, so probably I would not feel like it's a huge loss.

As to the person who said you can have relationships about other things and be "tolerant" I guess if that works for you, great, but I cannot imagine being "tolerant" of family members who refuse to even meet my husband because of his ethnic origin. I do not find it intolerant to refuse to reward that kind of behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At this point in my life, I would not trade my family for a sex partner. These two are simply not comparable.

We're not talking about a booty call, we're talking about the person you are building your life with, be they a spouse or a long term partner.

I don't think I'd be building a life with someone who doesn't jive with with people I dearly love. They will always be there. Partners, including LTRs and spouses, tend to drop off the face of the earth.

You are bent on restricting this to discrimination of legally protected classes, but people may not like each other for a number of unrelated reasons. Read the Family Forum and weep.

Well, I guess I'm just lucky that my family is full of good, loving people that wouldn't force me to make a decision like this. We welcome partners with open arms, even if we aren't each other's cup of tea, because we love each other and want each other to be happy.

I think it's important that the discrimination is related to legally protected classes because many practical solutions exist if the issue was just behavioral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Stick up for me how? By forcing people who don't want to meet me meet me? Not sure I want to be in a situation like that. But I also don't want him to cut off relationship with his parents and siblings. Don't want to live with that type of sacrifice made in my name.

I'm not sure what a good compromise here would be, but it would certainly be really weird to me if I never met my in-laws and DH went on vacation with them once a year and just never mentioned me. I would feel like I didn't matter.

Sure it's weird and inconvenient but bottom line is do you want to stay with your partner/husband because you can't imagine living without him? If yes, then his odd relatives come with the package.