how many of us have a mother or MIL who never worked outside the home in her lifetime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother tried a few half-hearted jobs but never really had a career. I hated it and always wished she worked. She was outrageously suffocating and just a total drag on the family. It got to the point that when I was a teen my brother and I told our dad we'd support him if he wanted to divorce her.

She's like the perfect example of everything NOT to do as a SAHM.

+1. My mom never worked. It was just because she was lazy, not because she cared about raising fine children. She now gets along with no one, takes everything as a personal insult. She's never been forced to get along with personalities as a result of work environment or anything of the sort. Also things like "having to go to an appointment" is a huge ordeal for her because she has to be somewhere at a certain time and it screws up her schedule of nothingness and tv shows.

I worked for many years before I had kids but my kids have no memory of me working because I stopped working after they were born. Does it matter that I ever worked if they never saw me working?

Fuck them if they do.
Yes, that does matter. You worked outside the home in your lifetime which is not what the OP as asking.

I guess my point is that, yes, while I did work before I had kids, my own kids have never and may never see me working. Does it matter that I worked for years before they were born? Or, because they have no memory of me going into the office and working long hours every day, does that mean that it doesn't "count" because they never saw it. Does the fact that I have been a SAHM mean that my future DILs will have reason to look down their noses at me?

I think it's a legitimate question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just spent a week with my inlaws and I'm always struck by the fact that my MIL has never worked in a paid position.
She got went to college, got married, and has been a homemaker ever since (she's now 72). Her husband worked as an
attorney and continues to work part time in retirement at close to 75.
My own mother took off about 10 years to raise children but before that worked to put my dad through law school. She went
back to work again once her kids were in middle school and worked for close to 25 years.

It's easy for me to be critical of my MIL because at times she's been critical of me for working. Also I can't imagine never
earning a cent in a lifetime. However, when I think about it, several of her friends were the same way. How common is (was) this?

It's none of your fucking business. How's that for an answer ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL worked a few years in her 20s before getting married and never worked again. The problems with her setup were/are:

1. My FIL was a cheating asshole who treated her like crap and I personally believe she stuck it out with him because she thought she didn't have any better options and was too scared to go it alone.
2. She had zero independent access or insight into their money situation. See the part about how he was an asshole. She was pretty much on an allowance and when he died before her, she was utterly clueless. As in, she didn't know how to write a check.

I certainly think that some women can never work their whole lives and have great lives, great relationships, add a ton of value to their community and families, etc. But for some women, like my MIL, the whole thing seems very disempowering.

Pretty much this in a nutshell.

[Anonymous]

It is a legitimate question. It's also why we all need to teach our children and to keep talking and raising awareness that all work has value, whether it's paid or not. Your grandma working on the family farm, your mom doing the admin work in what you call your father's business, care for children and elders should all count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother tried a few half-hearted jobs but never really had a career. I hated it and always wished she worked. She was outrageously suffocating and just a total drag on the family. It got to the point that when I was a teen my brother and I told our dad we'd support him if he wanted to divorce her.

She's like the perfect example of everything NOT to do as a SAHM.

+1. My mom never worked. It was just because she was lazy, not because she cared about raising fine children. She now gets along with no one, takes everything as a personal insult. She's never been forced to get along with personalities as a result of work environment or anything of the sort. Also things like "having to go to an appointment" is a huge ordeal for her because she has to be somewhere at a certain time and it screws up her schedule of nothingness and tv shows.

I worked for many years before I had kids but my kids have no memory of me working because I stopped working after they were born. Does it matter that I ever worked if they never saw me working?

Fuck them if they do.
Yes, that does matter. You worked outside the home in your lifetime which is not what the OP as asking.

I guess my point is that, yes, while I did work before I had kids, my own kids have never and may never see me working. Does it matter that I worked for years before they were born? Or, because they have no memory of me going into the office and working long hours every day, does that mean that it doesn't "count" because they never saw it. Does the fact that I have been a SAHM mean that my future DILs will have reason to look down their noses at me?

I think it's a legitimate question.

From the standpoint of how I have influenced my own children though, I don't think that there is that much difference between me and an equally involved SAHM who never worked before she had her kids.

[Anonymous]

No. Even my affluent ex-H's UMC Jewish grandmother worked outside the home before and after kids. It was a vanity job, but she worked.

I don't really care about the Mommy wars on this issue, though. I know both great and terrible moms in both camps. I wish all families could be in a financial position to do whatever worked best for their kids. Personally, I was best at both parenting and my career when I did contract work and could more or less set my own schedule. I did it again this summer and it was awesome, but I am returning on Monday to a fixed schedule, permanent position for financial reasons. We'll survive, but I'll be a bit less patient and "present" in both roles.

[Anonymous]

My mother worked, but took some time off with each child. The longest was 2 years. My MIL was a SAHM until her 50s, then had to get a job because of their financial situation.

Both my grandmothers worked prior to getting married and having children. One had a father who went blind when she was in middle school, so the children were called upon to support the family. She still managed to finish high school. The other was an immigrant who worked as a seamstress before meeting my grandfather.

[Anonymous]

My mother worked during high school and college. She worked before she had children. She stopped working for a few years when she had young children and then resumed work.

My mother's mother worked before marriage. She was not allowed to continue in her job as a librarian once she was married. She never worked after that.

My father's mother worked before marriage in a family business. She stopped working when she had children and resumed work when her marriage imploded.

My mother in law worked during high school. She stopped working when she had children and resumed work when her marriage imploded.

My mother in law's mother worked beginning in childhood. She took a short break from working when her husband was stationed overseas.

So far as I know, there is no one in my family line, male or female, who has not worked outside the home, same in my husband's. We don't come from rich people. Often the women who took time off during child rearing years were doing something else to bring in money, such as taking in a neighbor's kids or taking in sewing.

[Anonymous]

Most of the women I know worked at least some and I am on the older end (50s) for DCUM so we are talking an older generation. My mother was a lawyer. MIL worked on an off, more in admin type roles. Both of my grandmothers (one wealthy, one not) worked at least initially when they graduated from college although both then did stay home after that but did volunteer type work. I guess it is notable that both of my grandmothers (who were born around 1910) went to college, although one went to a teachers college that I don't think was 4 years.

[Anonymous]

MIL, who's in her 80s, started working when she was widowed at age 50. She had some tough years but got through.

Two of her daughters never worked. They're in their early 60s. One is well provided for by her husband who set up various funds, insurances, etc to cover her lifestyle in the event of his death. The other already lives hand to mouth and has no savings.

They're typical of their generations. The only thing the extended family worry about, is how the second SIL will be able to support herself if her husband becomes incapacitated.

To me the whole debate of SAHM vs WOHM is missing the point. One is not better or superior to the other. The bottom line is really financial responsibility and solvency. If you are solely dependent on your spouse's income and has absolutely no safety net or emergency funds, then staying at home is really the wrong choice for you.

[Anonymous]

I'm the person whose mom has an advanced degree from a good school but only worked for a few years in an entry-level job.

The thing is, that doesn't stop my mom from thinking she knows what's right about every job or career situation.

[Anonymous]

My Mom came from a broken home and had nothing. She knew there was no way for her to go to college and so she went to secretary school and then married my Dad at 20. Maybe 19? He also had come from nothing. She had me at 22, worked part time as a secretary until my brother was born 3 years later, and has never returned to paid work. She now sits on two boards, volunteers at her church, and at my kids schools. She was the epitome of a great and aspirational SAHP. My Dad made a ton of money thanks in part to her staying home and they live a great life now at 63, three homes, winter in FL, summer on the eastern shore, and the rest of the year live right near their kids and grandkids. They play golf together all the time and have a great relationship going on 45 years.

My MIL also had no money or resources to go to college. She also married my FIL young. She had 4 kids and opened up her own purse store at some point with a friend, but that was part time. She stopped work altogether when my husband was about 5? She also has been happily married to my FIL for 51 years and they enjoy a lovely retirement together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow there's a lot of sanctimonious bullshit in this thread. Live and let live.

+1 women don't need to worry about misogyny. No one puts another women down quite like a woman who made a different choice. We need a whole lot of grow the f$ck up and mind your own business. Perhaps we need to work more on instilling tolerance and understanding in our own sex instead of bitching about men holding us back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a class thing and a generational thing. Poor women have always worked. Women n their 70s married to an attorney ? It was a status thing back then. They are the same women who started the " women's movement " giving women the right to work.

This. Hating on the women who fought for the opportunities you have today. Shameful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every woman in my family (mom, stepmom, both of my grandmothers) worked outside of the home. Even my great-grandmothers worked (on my mom's side - Puerto Rican - poor women have always worked!).

Growing up in DC, all of my friends mothers worked. Once I was spending some time with my stepmother's SIL and asked her what she did for work. She snapped "I'm raising a family." I was ten and had just never been around SAHMs! Now I'm a SAHM to a toddler and can't imagine myself doing this when my kids are in middle school, which is how old hers were at that time.

Thank you.

The housewife fable from the first half of the 20th century only applies to a certain class -- or to men who were willing to live in poverty because they were opposed to their wives working.