So I'm I being too picky...I don't want to date a man with a child
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Anonymous
Not really - I'm a guy that made a thread about no being interested in single moms and wasn't 100% attacked. |
Anonymous
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I think that anyone who isn't prepared to have a "bonus" child and be a step-parent, with all that may entail, should feel this way!
The last thing a kid needs is another adult in his/her home who isn't 100% in his/her corner all the time. I have no idea why someone would encourage people to date someone with kids who doesn't want to. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. |
Anonymous
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I'm a divorced 39 yo guy with a 6 yo son (shared custody). Since you asked for perspectives on the situation from divorced people with kids, I'll give you mine.
I think in some ways you are being very smart, and in other ways, not so much. The smart part is you know yourself and a kid (or kids) will take time away from coupledom and fun stuff. If you want 100% attention, you won't get that dating a single parent. There also can be issues with an ex. That is the case for anyone, because everyone has exes of some sort, but if the guy has shared custody, the ex will be in your life. Though I also think many exes are fine (like mine) . The less smart part is wanting 100% attention, period. As a good couples counselor told me, a marriage is not a merger. Boundaries and separation in some spheres can help your relationship by aiding the attraction and allowing you both to maintain your individual personas. Read Esther Perel, for instance. In addition, if you want kids, you may be giving up on someone who is good with them. Taking care of young kids is not easy. It really helps to have already done that. If a guy has kids, you can get an idea how he would be. (sorry pp) If he doesn't, he may not ultimately be good at it. The qualities that make one a solid parent aren't necessarily apparent on the surface or the same things you look for in a romantic companion. Eg, a guy that is charismatic and charming and loves adventure might really regret being tied down to a kid and home, etc. All that said, your reaction to the situation is completely normal. From my experience matching with people on dating apps when I mentioned my kid in my profile vs not mentioning him there (but mentioning him at or before the first date), I estimate that 1/3 of women around here don't want to do it, and another 1/3 have a strong thumb on the scale against it. Anyways, best of luck |
Anonymous
| Ok Op but are you also say you want a spouse/kids so you should be sure you will be okay with likely ending up on your own. you must be around/over 35 or this wouldn't come up. Guys who wanted to marry and have kids have already done so. The remainders have serious issues, or don't want that life. You've cut out half of a very small pool. In my circle of friends the 30-35 yo might have voiced your mantra, the 35-37 yo are starting to re-think it, and the 38-42 have a new mantra of being awesome aunts, spoiling their pets, and traveling, because the pickings are slim to none. I think some of them regret their earlier pickiness, but I've never asked. |
Anonymous
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I'm divorced and remarried with joint custody of my child. No additional children. My daughter's father is remarried with two small children.
I wouldn't recommend "blended" family life to anyone. I wish it wasn't my life, but living with my ex was way worse. I'm quite confident my ex's wife hates it even more than I do. My ex has had it in for me since our divorce and has wasted far too much of his time and emotional energy on his endless war on me - time he could have and should have dedicated to her and their kids. She was in her mid thirties and not particularly attractive, and signed up for what seemed like a good deal. I don't think it's been easy for her at all. It's been tough on me and my husband, too. My ex's obsession with me (ex: he'll fire off an angry email to us, threatening custody litigation, because he feels I ignored him at a soccer game) takes up too much of our time and emotional energy. It also sucks to schedule your life around joint custody. I didn't have any more kids because I didn't want my kid to be a part-time kid and have baby siblings who were full - time kids (which ended up being the situation in her other house). I don't hate my life but I would not recommend blended family life to anyone. |
Anonymous
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I married a man with children. And we have a pretty decent situation in terms of the ex as she's not crazy or anything. They co-parent well and the kids are all wonderful.
But I still would discourage anyone I know from marrying someone with children. As good as we have it, it's still been very stressful. |