Reply to So I'm I being too picky...I don't want to date a man with a child

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm a divorced 39 yo guy with a 6 yo son (shared custody).   Since you asked for perspectives on the situation from divorced people with kids, I'll give you mine.

I think in some ways you are being very smart,  and in other ways, not so much.

The smart part is you know yourself and a kid (or kids) will take time away from coupledom and fun stuff. If you want 100% attention, you won't get that dating a single parent. There also can be issues with an ex.  That is the case for anyone, because everyone has exes of some sort,  but if the guy has shared custody, the ex will be in your life.   Though I also think many exes are fine (like mine) .

The less smart part is wanting 100% attention,  period.  As a good couples counselor told me,  a marriage is not a merger.  Boundaries and separation in some spheres can help your relationship by aiding the attraction and allowing you both to maintain your individual personas. Read Esther Perel, for instance.

In addition, if you want kids, you may be giving up on someone who is good with them.  Taking care of young kids is not easy.  It really helps to have already done that.  If a guy has kids, you can get an idea how he would be.  (sorry pp) If he doesn't, he may not ultimately be good at it.  The qualities that make one a solid parent aren't necessarily apparent on the surface or the same things you look for in a romantic companion.  Eg,  a guy that is charismatic and charming and loves adventure might really regret being tied down to a kid and home, etc.

All that said, your reaction to the situation is completely normal.  From my experience matching with people on dating apps when I mentioned my kid in my profile vs not mentioning him there (but mentioning him at or before the first date),  I estimate that 1/3 of women around here don't want to do it,  and another 1/3 have a strong thumb on the scale against it.

Anyways, best of luck

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