So I'm I being too picky...I don't want to date a man with a child

[Anonymous]

I am happily married so hopefully won't ever run into this situation... But if I were dating again, I wouldn't want to date anyone without children. I think back to my mindset before having kids and non-parents just don't get what it is like to be a parent. Its perfectly acceptable for someone who, like OP, doesnt have kids to want 100% of the attention--that's the way it should be before kids! But once you have kids, priorities change quickly. And I would think it is easier for someone w/kids to be w/someone who also has kids who better understands that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am happily married so hopefully won't ever run into this situation... But if I were dating again, I wouldn't want to date anyone without children. I think back to my mindset before having kids and non-parents just don't get what it is like to be a parent. Its perfectly acceptable for someone who, like OP, doesnt have kids to want 100% of the attention--that's the way it should be before kids! But once you have kids, priorities change quickly. And I would think it is easier for someone w/kids to be w/someone who also has kids who better understands that.

I'm the single mom who prefers childless men who posted earlier. I've found it's harder to coordinate dates with men with kids because they're pretty much unavailable to me when their kids are in their custody. That's fine that they're putting their kids first, but it's not what I'm looking for in a partner right now. In my experience, having kids makes dating more complicated. The more kids there are in the picture, the more complicated dating is going to be. And I haven't found the bolded to be much of a problem, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does this apply equally to men with young kids and to men with older kids?

There is a difference between dealing with custody/support payments for a 2 year old or preschooler and dealing with teenagers or young adults.

That is true to a point, but as long as they are under 18, you are dealing with co-parenting. Not OP, but not for me, either.

Yes, but you aren't dealing with heavy duty childcare, bath time, nap time, diapers, potty training, play dates. With teens there is at least an end in sight plus it might be nice to spend time with them knowing that they (usually) are fairly self sufficient. They still need parents to establish/enforce rules, teach them how to drive, etc. But it isn't the hands on care that little children need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you, OP?

If you are 30 or under, you are fine. 35+ maybe ok. Over 40 is going to be tough.

Most married men have kids.

Men over 40 who don't have kids most likely never married.

Men over 40 who are never married HAVE SERIOUS BAGGAGE.

[Anonymous]

We ALL have our list of deal breakers & this is one of yours.

You shouldn't be pressured into giving them up just because another person disagrees w/them.

Your life = Your choice.

Plain + simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We ALL have our list of deal breakers & this is one of yours.

You shouldn't be pressured into giving them up just because another person disagrees w/them.

Your life = Your choice.

Plain + simple.

You're missing a point. If you've got a plan that actually works, great! But if you're sticking to your guns and excluding everybody, your choice but you're actually trying to stay single. It's as if I was holding out for a supermodel (I don't think I am) but didn't know how to make that happen. That's called choosing to fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am happily married so hopefully won't ever run into this situation... But if I were dating again, I wouldn't want to date anyone without children. I think back to my mindset before having kids and non-parents just don't get what it is like to be a parent. Its perfectly acceptable for someone who, like OP, doesnt have kids to want 100% of the attention--that's the way it should be before kids! But once you have kids, priorities change quickly. And I would think it is easier for someone w/kids to be w/someone who also has kids who better understands that.

Seriously. I didn't realize that in someways I wasn't an adult until I had that responsibility of children. Everything changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am happily married so hopefully won't ever run into this situation... But if I were dating again, I wouldn't want to date anyone without children. I think back to my mindset before having kids and non-parents just don't get what it is like to be a parent. Its perfectly acceptable for someone who, like OP, doesnt have kids to want 100% of the attention--that's the way it should be before kids! But once you have kids, priorities change quickly. And I would think it is easier for someone w/kids to be w/someone who also has kids who better understands that.

I'm PP @8:15 and now that I have a child, if I did find myself single again, I would probably feel the same way, for the bolded reason.

[Anonymous]

In my 20's I never would have dated a woman with kids. In my 30's it would have depended on the woman.

In my 40's I realize that most women who don't have kids by choice are probably too self absorbed to be worth spending time with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For someone who matried a man with kids - you are absolutely right! I live with regret daily

Really? I mean I get it can be hard, I am a stepkid.

I came here to say that I get it OP but that every marriage and every life you choose is going to have difficulties and you rarely fall in love with some perfect person that fit all your preconceived notions. If you really don't think you could handle embracing stepchildren as your own though you shouldn't do it.

Like this PP here. This is so hurtful. My stepdad would have said that having me (and my mom) in his life was worth every hardship that co-parenting brought. My stepmom, maybe a little less than that. But at the end of the day every life and every family has its own issues, thinking you can create some perfect box...if you life with regret daily then there is something wrong with your husband PP.

I'm the PP who wrote this and it has absolutely nothing to do with the stepchild and everything to do with my DH. The regret that I have is that I chose to have kids with my DH too soon and now I can't leave. He is a bullshit parent - which was easy to miss b/c I only saw him interact with step-DS on his weekends where everything was fun. When he got to be a teenager and DH would say things like "I don't want to punish him for X because he'll be mad at me and we won't have a fun visit" or he would discipline our kids for things that he let slide with step-DS...this is when I got to see the real him. He is a weak man.

Maybe it could have happened even if he had no kids but then I could step in and discipline without being told that I am overstepping my boundaries. As a step parent you have no choice but to sit back - you have no authority. Not a problem when things are going great but when you have a child testing boundaries, you need both parents on the same page. And it is at the point where step-DS own mother has put him out so I don't have a choice. I have a DH who won't discipline but gives step-DS money instead, an ex-wife who I'd like to co-parent with but she's so done with her own kid that she doesn't even want to live with the child, and a step-DS who barely acknowledges me in my own house. So yeah - if I could go back in time I would never marry someone with kids. All the love in the world isn't worth being stressed out in your own home.

[Anonymous]

If this is what you want, you should be unabashed about it. It's better that you take longer to marry and find your match than you marry and fuck up a kid. Evil stepmothers are true every step of the way, and women prioritize their own children over everybody. As they should. But that creates a conflict with children who already exist.

I am a 40+ married woman with three young kids. If my DH were to die, I am very certain I have no interest in marrying again because I don't want to upset anything in my children's lives. If I die before him, I made him promise to not marry a woman of childbearing age or a woman with young children - because I don't want my children sidelined by anyone else. Hopefully none of that will come to pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if it is a really good guy and his ex is remarried. They have a good parenting relationship and minimal drama. What is so bad about that?

tbh, that probably minimizes the chance of drama from the ex.

[Anonymous]

I felt this way when I was dating too and so never did it. Now I am divorced and dating again and most men at rhis point have kids and if they are older (teens) it is usually not an issue. Am dating a widower with adult kids now.

[Anonymous]

Single mom with 2 kids-9 and 6. I'm not dating because I don't want to date a man with kids and I don't another man raising my kids.

When the kids are grown and out of the house I'll date. For now, my life is full with friendships. Yes I miss intimacy and sex but not enough to let a man move into our house.

[Anonymous]

Kudos to OP - I'm a guy who fully supports her stance. Stay strong OP.

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/545970.page