When to downsize? When kids leave for college or later?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Unless your house is huge, I'd wait.

Kids come back home after college these days. And they even when they leave, -- they marry and have children. You need space for them!

At some point, though, you do want to downsize. My parents didn't, and they are now too old to take care of their house - two stories, largish yard, and it's harder now to get them to move.

Can't agree more! Don't wait too long. My parents are now 67, 2 story house falling apart, big yard....but they are older now and it's so hard to get them to go thru their clutter and get their house ready to move even though it's what they want. They wish they would've done it 10 years ago when their kids were mid-20s and they didn't have grandkids yet. They had more free time and more energy!

Why don't you leave them alone? Its their stuff. We have cleared out homes of both sets of parents. really, its not hard once they are gone. Don't be lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Unless your house is huge, I'd wait.

Kids come back home after college these days. And they even when they leave, -- they marry and have children. You need space for them!

At some point, though, you do want to downsize. My parents didn't, and they are now too old to take care of their house - two stories, largish yard, and it's harder now to get them to move.

Can't agree more! Don't wait too long. My parents are now 67, 2 story house falling apart, big yard....but they are older now and it's so hard to get them to go thru their clutter and get their house ready to move even though it's what they want. They wish they would've done it 10 years ago when their kids were mid-20s and they didn't have grandkids yet. They had more free time and more energy!

67 is not old.

+1

DH will be 67 when DS graduates from college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Unless your house is huge, I'd wait.

Kids come back home after college these days. And they even when they leave, -- they marry and have children. You need space for them!

At some point, though, you do want to downsize. My parents didn't, and they are now too old to take care of their house - two stories, largish yard, and it's harder now to get them to move.

Can't agree more! Don't wait too long. My parents are now 67, 2 story house falling apart, big yard....but they are older now and it's so hard to get them to go thru their clutter and get their house ready to move even though it's what they want. They wish they would've done it 10 years ago when their kids were mid-20s and they didn't have grandkids yet. They had more free time and more energy!

67 is not old.

+1

DH will be 67 when DS graduates from college.

+2 Holy heck. I guess you're supposed to go straight from the office into an eldercare facility the minute you retire???? And according to you they were supposed to have started this process of transitioning into a facility during their 50's???

Ha. No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not every two bedroom house has to be small. Seems to me like a 2-bedroom condo with a large living area, a pool, and the city right outside your front door would be fun for kids. And you know, if the kids/grandkids don't like it well, too bad. I'm working my ass off to provide for their education and a great life now. I think by the time I'm 65 I will have earned the right to live how I damn well please.

+1 I think that once your children are "launched", you should live however you wish. Many condos have guest rooms that can be rented. We always used a condo room rental when visiting our parents. It actually worked well . . . we all had our privacy. And, how often will your kids visit anyway? If they have a place, you can go visit them there. Or you can all take a beach vacation together. I would not sacrifice my lifestyle for the few times that they visit.

I agree everybody should 'live how they damn well please"... but we visited our in-laws about 6 times a year (they love the grandchildren).

So Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July and 2 other random times.

Now they live in an apartment and we do not visit. It is not feasible for 6 (2 grandparents, us and our kids) adults to stay in a 2br apartment. There is nothing in the city we have not seen 3000 times. They are welcome to visit, but of course they don't want to visit, they are too set in their ways.

Personally I am happier, we have used those 6 opportunities to do what we want instead of visiting all the time, but they are sad and lonely and they do feel isolated.

I am all about downsizing and if my children invite me to visit I will be all over that. I will have spent a lifetime being the party planner/host/flophouse for all family gatherings and will be more than glad to pass the torch.

You have to be prepared for the torch to go out. If you are okay with that. You can't expect people to take up "your torch" they want to create their own torch and that might not include what you "expect".

Are you honestly criticizing the woman for not wanting to be the person who does everything for her family well into old age? If they don't want to plan and clean and prepare and harangue over details like she did, that's fine. But you can't make someone take up a grown child's slack for ages. If they want to make traditions of their own, they can invite her and she can decide to come or go. But relying on her to continue do everything she did for them as a child well into their adulthoods is the most asinine case of infantilization I've ever heard of.

Wow! You sure did read a lot in there that did not exist.

She said she will "pass the torch". ... but she imagines that somebody will receive the torch. I NEVER said she needs to continue these parties but if SHE WANTS PARTIES ... she will need to plan them and throw them. She can't expect her DIL to want to just "receive the torch" and carry on her traditions and turn her house into a flophouse (her words). (Because you know none of these moms are passing the torch to their sons.)

It is not a "grown child's slack"... they will move away, have their own house and their own family and more than likely will not visit if there is no home to visit. I did not say it is right, or wrong it just is... if you make the decision, own it... don't get all pissy because your DIL did not take over the party planning/throwing/etc. She chose to make her house a flophouse, that does not mean her DIL wants her house to be a flophouse.

JFC, lady, chill. You're the one who's reading too much into this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Unless your house is huge, I'd wait.

Kids come back home after college these days. And they even when they leave, -- they marry and have children. You need space for them!

At some point, though, you do want to downsize. My parents didn't, and they are now too old to take care of their house - two stories, largish yard, and it's harder now to get them to move.

Can't agree more! Don't wait too long. My parents are now 67, 2 story house falling apart, big yard....but they are older now and it's so hard to get them to go thru their clutter and get their house ready to move even though it's what they want. They wish they would've done it 10 years ago when their kids were mid-20s and they didn't have grandkids yet. They had more free time and more energy!

67 is not old.

+1

DH will be 67 when DS graduates from college.

+2. Your parents must just be lazy or seriously unhealthy. My parents have no issues maintaining their houses and their yards have never looked better since they retired. Grandparents are in their 90s and still maintaining their houses. Grandpa even mows the lawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think the PP was saying that you can't move on with your own life and then expect the kids to take up where you left off and do things as you would like to see them done. They have a right to live their own lives.

I am a new poster. I agree with you both up to a point but, wouldn't it be nice if the "adult children" had a few years of shared responsiblity for a Thanksgiving or Christmas to repay their parents in some way for all the entertaining they did while growing up? For example, it was tradition for my DH and his family to alternate between his parents and his Aunt and Uncle's house for Thanksgiving. As a married couple and then with kids we went as well. Maybe not every year but, a good amount of times.

Flash forward to two years ago and I knew they weren't up to hosting so my DH and I invited the Aunt and Uncle as well as DH's mom ( Father passed away) over to our house for Thanksgiving. It wasn't done their way but, we all had a good time.

We were willing to do it a few years but, this year they decided to visit their own children. However, I am glad we at least did it a few times to thank them. I'm sure the 'passing the torch" person wouldn't mind new traditions but, I can see why she would be tired.

I hate the obligatory "repaying" that you are referring to. It is one thing if someone *wants* to carry on with family traditions, quite another to be expected to step into those shoes.

Some folks are natural hosts and other folks have a hard time with that sort of thing. It's o.k. to establish new traditions.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to hear some of the older posters chime in. I know that my parents find it exhausting (and they are just barely 70) when people visit. Generally, my siblings treat it like vacation so my parents are doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry. They much prefer it to have everyone gather at someone else's house or we all travel and meet somewhere new (VRBO, airnb etc)

I'm with the condo in the city and lake/mountain house lady. That's my plan. We will be 48 when our youngest of three graduates HS. We'll sell our home, get a row home in the city and a house in the mountains for holidays, summers, etc.

Also, not all kids come home for summers in college, if they plan on grad school etc - they have to do internships or other programs to get into a good program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Unless your house is huge, I'd wait.

Kids come back home after college these days. And they even when they leave, -- they marry and have children. You need space for them!

At some point, though, you do want to downsize. My parents didn't, and they are now too old to take care of their house - two stories, largish yard, and it's harder now to get them to move.

Can't agree more! Don't wait too long. My parents are now 67, 2 story house falling apart, big yard....but they are older now and it's so hard to get them to go thru their clutter and get their house ready to move even though it's what they want. They wish they would've done it 10 years ago when their kids were mid-20s and they didn't have grandkids yet. They had more free time and more energy!

67 is not old.

+1

DH will be 67 when DS graduates from college.

+2 Holy heck. I guess you're supposed to go straight from the office into an eldercare facility the minute you retire???? And according to you they were supposed to have started this process of transitioning into a facility during their 50's???

Ha. No way.

My DH is 69 and runs five miles a day. We're thinking of doing like pp with the big beach house and buying a house in a part of the world where we can have a MORE active lifestyle!

[Anonymous]

I have experience in this matter. I have two grown children and they are doing well for themselves. My goal was to raise them so they would be able to handle life on their own. We have a great relationship with them and they are proud to be on their own. I believe you need to to plan do what's best for you when the time comes. You spent most of your life doing what was best for your kids. You will have a new normal but all will work out from there. Too often parents keep their lives focused on their kids even after the kids move on. This is not healthy for them or for you. A new chapter for everyone. How exciting. There will be a transitional period but if it's done right it will not last long. I wish you all the very best.

[Anonymous]

I have experience in this matter. My husband and I have two grown children and they are doing well for themselves. Our goal was to raise them so they would be able to handle life on their own. We have a great relationship with them and they are proud to be on their own. I believe you need to to plan do what's best for you when the time comes. You spent most of your life doing what was best for your kids. You will have a new normal but all will work out from there. Too often parents keep their lives focused on their kids even after the kids move on. This is not healthy for them or for you. A new chapter for everyone. How exciting. There will be a transitional period but if it's done right it will not last too long. I wish you all the very best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Unless your house is huge, I'd wait.

Kids come back home after college these days. And they even when they leave, -- they marry and have children. You need space for them!

At some point, though, you do want to downsize. My parents didn't, and they are now too old to take care of their house - two stories, largish yard, and it's harder now to get them to move.

Can't agree more! Don't wait too long. My parents are now 67, 2 story house falling apart, big yard....but they are older now and it's so hard to get them to go thru their clutter and get their house ready to move even though it's what they want. They wish they would've done it 10 years ago when their kids were mid-20s and they didn't have grandkids yet. They had more free time and more energy!

Why don't you leave them alone? Its their stuff. We have cleared out homes of both sets of parents. really, its not hard once they are gone. Don't be lazy.

Difficulty depends on how much stuff. Most of or super clutter is stuff my young adult children accumulated. Then stuff from parent's house THEY wanted. I'm retired and the place is market ready except for 2 things and clutter. Furnishings pass the realtor test-not too much and fine blend of antique/contemporary. I do not now how to motivate them on clean-out.

[Anonymous]

... treat it like vacation so my parents are doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry

It doesn't have to be this way. Since my children left for college, here is how it is when they come home - - aside from maybe a special dinner planned - - they grocery shop for themselves, fix meals for themselves, do their own laundry (of course) We operate more like roommates, adult roommates. I don't feel that I am "hosting"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We bought our forever home where WE wanted to live. Four of our five are grown and gone. Trying to buy near your kids doesn't make sense in today's more transient world. I have one in Wyoming. One in Colorado. One in Georgia. One in DC. One high schooler still at home. We bought in Florida in a community with a water park, several pools, skate park, play ground, horse trails..... near the beach, a couple of hours from Orlando. We have four bedrooms and an enclosed pool. We bought in a place we knew our kids and grandkids would want to visit. It worked. We've had all of our kids home for Christmas and summer vacation every year for the last five years. Our oldest two are married and I kinda feel bad for their in laws. The kids come here way more often because we have plenty of space and live in a place many people choose to vacation.

We have a house full of grandkids. Downsizing would have been a bad decision.

Wow. That sounds really nice!

We love it! And it's so cheap to live here. We only paid 350,000 for the house. Unreal to me after many years in DC.

Do you mind sharing where you ended up in FL? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Was just debating this with my friend since I am selling the house and will not be setting up another home for infrequent visits or any potential live-in adult children, and since I’ll be 60 years old I do not think that such additional years of maintaining a home “just in case” they don’t grow up and become self sufficient immediately is reasonable. I say, welcome to the 1950s boys because I’m old fashioned and it’s time you become the men I’ve raised you to be now, and thank you for respecting that I am more than just a mom and for understanding that its time for me to pursue any of the dreams I put on the back burner because of my decisions made when I placed motherhood ahead of my own individuality.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Was just debating this with my friend since I am selling the house and will not be setting up another home for infrequent visits or any potential live-in adult children, and since I’ll be 60 years old I do not think that such additional years of maintaining a home “just in case” they don’t grow up and become self sufficient immediately is reasonable. I say, welcome to the 1950s boys because I’m old fashioned and it’s time you become the men I’ve raised you to be now, and thank you for respecting that I am more than just a mom and for understanding that its time for me to pursue any of the dreams I put on the back burner because of my decisions made when I placed motherhood ahead of my own individuality.[/quote]

You don't sound like a Mom. But that is maybe cause you are a boy mom.

If you had all daughters there would be bridal showers, baby showers, engagement dinners, weddings etc. You need a big house. However, I noticed most men are close their wives parents not their own parents once married with kids.