When to downsize? When kids leave for college or later?

[Anonymous]

helpful or important to your kids

Don't live your life from this point of view - at least not after they are over 18 and off to college. There will always be some comfort to them to return to a home they grew up in, but that is no reason to change decisions for yourself - not once they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not every two bedroom house has to be small. Seems to me like a 2-bedroom condo with a large living area, a pool, and the city right outside your front door would be fun for kids. And you know, if the kids/grandkids don't like it well, too bad. I'm working my ass off to provide for their education and a great life now. I think by the time I'm 65 I will have earned the right to live how I damn well please.

+1 I think that once your children are "launched", you should live however you wish. Many condos have guest rooms that can be rented. We always used a condo room rental when visiting our parents. It actually worked well . . . we all had our privacy. And, how often will your kids visit anyway? If they have a place, you can go visit them there. Or you can all take a beach vacation together. I would not sacrifice my lifestyle for the few times that they visit.

I agree everybody should 'live how they damn well please"... but we visited our in-laws about 6 times a year (they love the grandchildren).

So Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July and 2 other random times.

Now they live in an apartment and we do not visit. It is not feasible for 6 (2 grandparents, us and our kids) adults to stay in a 2br apartment. There is nothing in the city we have not seen 3000 times. They are welcome to visit, but of course they don't want to visit, they are too set in their ways.

Personally I am happier, we have used those 6 opportunities to do what we want instead of visiting all the time, but they are sad and lonely and they do feel isolated.

I am all about downsizing and if my children invite me to visit I will be all over that. I will have spent a lifetime being the party planner/host/flophouse for all family gatherings and will be more than glad to pass the torch.

You have to be prepared for the torch to go out. If you are okay with that. You can't expect people to take up "your torch" they want to create their own torch and that might not include what you "expect".

Are you honestly criticizing the woman for not wanting to be the person who does everything for her family well into old age? If they don't want to plan and clean and prepare and harangue over details like she did, that's fine. But you can't make someone take up a grown child's slack for ages. If they want to make traditions of their own, they can invite her and she can decide to come or go. But relying on her to continue do everything she did for them as a child well into their adulthoods is the most asinine case of infantilization I've ever heard of.

[Anonymous]

Our friends have all upsized as they got older. More space to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not every two bedroom house has to be small. Seems to me like a 2-bedroom condo with a large living area, a pool, and the city right outside your front door would be fun for kids. And you know, if the kids/grandkids don't like it well, too bad. I'm working my ass off to provide for their education and a great life now. I think by the time I'm 65 I will have earned the right to live how I damn well please.

+1 I think that once your children are "launched", you should live however you wish. Many condos have guest rooms that can be rented. We always used a condo room rental when visiting our parents. It actually worked well . . . we all had our privacy. And, how often will your kids visit anyway? If they have a place, you can go visit them there. Or you can all take a beach vacation together. I would not sacrifice my lifestyle for the few times that they visit.

I agree everybody should 'live how they damn well please"... but we visited our in-laws about 6 times a year (they love the grandchildren).

So Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July and 2 other random times.

Now they live in an apartment and we do not visit. It is not feasible for 6 (2 grandparents, us and our kids) adults to stay in a 2br apartment. There is nothing in the city we have not seen 3000 times. They are welcome to visit, but of course they don't want to visit, they are too set in their ways.

Personally I am happier, we have used those 6 opportunities to do what we want instead of visiting all the time, but they are sad and lonely and they do feel isolated.

I am all about downsizing and if my children invite me to visit I will be all over that. I will have spent a lifetime being the party planner/host/flophouse for all family gatherings and will be more than glad to pass the torch.

You have to be prepared for the torch to go out. If you are okay with that. You can't expect people to take up "your torch" they want to create their own torch and that might not include what you "expect".

Are you honestly criticizing the woman for not wanting to be the person who does everything for her family well into old age? If they don't want to plan and clean and prepare and harangue over details like she did, that's fine. But you can't make someone take up a grown child's slack for ages. If they want to make traditions of their own, they can invite her and she can decide to come or go. But relying on her to continue do everything she did for them as a child well into their adulthoods is the most asinine case of infantilization I've ever heard of.

I think the PP was saying that you can't move on with your own life and then expect the kids to take up where you left off and do things as you would like to see them done. They have a right to live their own lives.

[Anonymous]

My parents moved to a different state as soon as I graduated high school, as I was starting college. I was the youngest of 4. Here is the good and bad. The bad: I didn't know their "new" area. I did visit. I had family there. I was always going to visit no matter where my parents lived. I didn't visit them every college vacation, but most. The good: It jump-started my adult life. In college I was very focused on my future and figuring out where I wanted to live. I knew there was no returning to my childhood environment. I was on my own. I've always thought it was good for me. But mostly Op do what works for you, once your "children" are adults. Don't plan around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Unless your house is huge, I'd wait.

Kids come back home after college these days. And they even when they leave, -- they marry and have children. You need space for them!

At some point, though, you do want to downsize. My parents didn't, and they are now too old to take care of their house - two stories, largish yard, and it's harder now to get them to move.

Can't agree more! Don't wait too long. My parents are now 67, 2 story house falling apart, big yard....but they are older now and it's so hard to get them to go thru their clutter and get their house ready to move even though it's what they want. They wish they would've done it 10 years ago when their kids were mid-20s and they didn't have grandkids yet. They had more free time and more energy!

67 is not old.

[Anonymous]

I thought nowadays most people don't end up downsizing until they are sort of too old for the maintenance. Maximizing their growth I thought?

[Anonymous]

My parents are 74 and 75 and still in my childhood home 45 years.

They have kept it up and redid wood floors, renovated kitchen and all bathrooms. My mom is a decorating fiend and always in Homegoods. They wanted it to be in excellent condition and to quote my mom "not look like an old person's home"/

It looks great. My dad still does lawn care himself and mows, has his gardens.

My kids go for sleepovers--but since everyone but my brother (bachelor) lives in the area only the grandkids spend the night.

My dad hates the idea of shared walls/condo living.

My house is close-in, very walkable on a smaller lot. There is a full bath and bedroom in finished basement for guests. I don't see the need to down-size ever. It's a great 'medium-size', convenient house. Guests and my college-age nephews love to visit because you can walk to bars, restaurants and Metro.

[Anonymous]

I think the PP was saying that you can't move on with your own life and then expect the kids to take up where you left off and do things as you would like to see them done. They have a right to live their own lives.

I am a new poster. I agree with you both up to a point but, wouldn't it be nice if the "adult children" had a few years of shared responsiblity for a Thanksgiving or Christmas to repay their parents in some way for all the entertaining they did while growing up? For example, it was tradition for my DH and his family to alternate between his parents and his Aunt and Uncle's house for Thanksgiving. As a married couple and then with kids we went as well. Maybe not every year but, a good amount of times.

Flash forward to two years ago and I knew they weren't up to hosting so my DH and I invited the Aunt and Uncle as well as DH's mom ( Father passed away) over to our house for Thanksgiving. It wasn't done their way but, we all had a good time.

We were willing to do it a few years but, this year they decided to visit their own children. However, I am glad we at least did it a few times to thank them. I'm sure the 'passing the torch" person wouldn't mind new traditions but, I can see why she would be tired.

[Anonymous]

We bought our forever home where WE wanted to live. Four of our five are grown and gone. Trying to buy near your kids doesn't make sense in today's more transient world. I have one in Wyoming. One in Colorado. One in Georgia. One in DC. One high schooler still at home. We bought in Florida in a community with a water park, several pools, skate park, play ground, horse trails..... near the beach, a couple of hours from Orlando. We have four bedrooms and an enclosed pool. We bought in a place we knew our kids and grandkids would want to visit. It worked. We've had all of our kids home for Christmas and summer vacation every year for the last five years. Our oldest two are married and I kinda feel bad for their in laws. The kids come here way more often because we have plenty of space and live in a place many people choose to vacation.

We have a house full of grandkids. Downsizing would have been a bad decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We bought our forever home where WE wanted to live. Four of our five are grown and gone. Trying to buy near your kids doesn't make sense in today's more transient world. I have one in Wyoming. One in Colorado. One in Georgia. One in DC. One high schooler still at home. We bought in Florida in a community with a water park, several pools, skate park, play ground, horse trails..... near the beach, a couple of hours from Orlando. We have four bedrooms and an enclosed pool. We bought in a place we knew our kids and grandkids would want to visit. It worked. We've had all of our kids home for Christmas and summer vacation every year for the last five years. Our oldest two are married and I kinda feel bad for their in laws. The kids come here way more often because we have plenty of space and live in a place many people choose to vacation.

We have a house full of grandkids. Downsizing would have been a bad decision.

Wow. That sounds really nice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We bought our forever home where WE wanted to live. Four of our five are grown and gone. Trying to buy near your kids doesn't make sense in today's more transient world. I have one in Wyoming. One in Colorado. One in Georgia. One in DC. One high schooler still at home. We bought in Florida in a community with a water park, several pools, skate park, play ground, horse trails..... near the beach, a couple of hours from Orlando. We have four bedrooms and an enclosed pool. We bought in a place we knew our kids and grandkids would want to visit. It worked. We've had all of our kids home for Christmas and summer vacation every year for the last five years. Our oldest two are married and I kinda feel bad for their in laws. The kids come here way more often because we have plenty of space and live in a place many people choose to vacation.

We have a house full of grandkids. Downsizing would have been a bad decision.

Wow. That sounds really nice!

We love it! And it's so cheap to live here. We only paid 350,000 for the house. Unreal to me after many years in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We bought our forever home where WE wanted to live. Four of our five are grown and gone. Trying to buy near your kids doesn't make sense in today's more transient world. I have one in Wyoming. One in Colorado. One in Georgia. One in DC. One high schooler still at home. We bought in Florida in a community with a water park, several pools, skate park, play ground, horse trails..... near the beach, a couple of hours from Orlando. We have four bedrooms and an enclosed pool. We bought in a place we knew our kids and grandkids would want to visit. It worked. We've had all of our kids home for Christmas and summer vacation every year for the last five years. Our oldest two are married and I kinda feel bad for their in laws. The kids come here way more often because we have plenty of space and live in a place many people choose to vacation.

We have a house full of grandkids. Downsizing would have been a bad decision.

Wow. That sounds really nice!

We love it! And it's so cheap to live here. We only paid 350,000 for the house. Unreal to me after many years in DC.

I'm pro-downsizing but I agree with the PP that your way of choosing a new home sounds really nice. There are more than a few ways to skin a cat and it is quite possible to 'downsize' your expenses while still upsizing your life.

[Anonymous]

My parents are hitting 70 and still live in my childhood home (a 4,000+ sqft house, NOT "DC square footage" but a genuine 4K sqft that doesn't factor in basements or attics or garages into the square footage).

Every time I go home I joke with them about downsizing into something smaller and easier to maintain, but they always say "we like it here." They are comfortable with their house and they keep it up quite well. So the answer to the OP's question is that there's no right time to downsize. It's entirely up to you and what you want out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not every two bedroom house has to be small. Seems to me like a 2-bedroom condo with a large living area, a pool, and the city right outside your front door would be fun for kids. And you know, if the kids/grandkids don't like it well, too bad. I'm working my ass off to provide for their education and a great life now. I think by the time I'm 65 I will have earned the right to live how I damn well please.

+1 I think that once your children are "launched", you should live however you wish. Many condos have guest rooms that can be rented. We always used a condo room rental when visiting our parents. It actually worked well . . . we all had our privacy. And, how often will your kids visit anyway? If they have a place, you can go visit them there. Or you can all take a beach vacation together. I would not sacrifice my lifestyle for the few times that they visit.

I agree everybody should 'live how they damn well please"... but we visited our in-laws about 6 times a year (they love the grandchildren).

So Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, 4th of July and 2 other random times.

Now they live in an apartment and we do not visit. It is not feasible for 6 (2 grandparents, us and our kids) adults to stay in a 2br apartment. There is nothing in the city we have not seen 3000 times. They are welcome to visit, but of course they don't want to visit, they are too set in their ways.

Personally I am happier, we have used those 6 opportunities to do what we want instead of visiting all the time, but they are sad and lonely and they do feel isolated.

I am all about downsizing and if my children invite me to visit I will be all over that. I will have spent a lifetime being the party planner/host/flophouse for all family gatherings and will be more than glad to pass the torch.

You have to be prepared for the torch to go out. If you are okay with that. You can't expect people to take up "your torch" they want to create their own torch and that might not include what you "expect".

Are you honestly criticizing the woman for not wanting to be the person who does everything for her family well into old age? If they don't want to plan and clean and prepare and harangue over details like she did, that's fine. But you can't make someone take up a grown child's slack for ages. If they want to make traditions of their own, they can invite her and she can decide to come or go. But relying on her to continue do everything she did for them as a child well into their adulthoods is the most asinine case of infantilization I've ever heard of.

Wow! You sure did read a lot in there that did not exist.

She said she will "pass the torch". ... but she imagines that somebody will receive the torch. I NEVER said she needs to continue these parties but if SHE WANTS PARTIES ... she will need to plan them and throw them. She can't expect her DIL to want to just "receive the torch" and carry on her traditions and turn her house into a flophouse (her words). (Because you know none of these moms are passing the torch to their sons.)

It is not a "grown child's slack"... they will move away, have their own house and their own family and more than likely will not visit if there is no home to visit. I did not say it is right, or wrong it just is... if you make the decision, own it... don't get all pissy because your DIL did not take over the party planning/throwing/etc. She chose to make her house a flophouse, that does not mean her DIL wants her house to be a flophouse.