Bat Mitzvah invitation - DD's classmate's mom RSVP'd yes (WWYD)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

Its a huge imposition to expect the parents to drive and drop off two different venues and find something to do during that time while the child is there. OP should do back to back and rent a bus if no parents are invited.

So decline. Easy preasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's just intending to go to the service, which would be fine - services in a temple are open to everyone off the street. *I* could attend your daughter's bat mitzvah.

That is rude unless you are invited or a member of the temple.

I guess it depends on your temple - where I come from, it's a Saturday morning Shabbat service, so anyone who wants to attend THAT, does. If there happens to be a bar or bat mitzvah going on during that service, so be it. There were lots of people at my bat mizvah that I didn't really know. Some were there because they're more observant and always showed up on Saturdays, some were there for mourner's Kiddush, some were there because they want to be a kind face in the congregation for the rabbi when s/he looks out, etc.

I'm sorry you aren't a member of a more welcoming temple.

Yes, at my shul, a small one, I was told that whatever I did for kiddish had to accommodate 40 people before counting my own. People are there for a whole host of easons. Kiddish doesn't have to be the elaborate smoked fish extravaganza I chose to do. It could just be some challah and honey cake.

But whatever you do, you have to remember that this is a service and not a performance. People will come because it is Saturday. Some will come because they like your kid. Some will come because they are hungry. That is what we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would feel comfortable being on both ends of this conversation:

"Thanks for RSVPing for Jack! The party is really for the kids; a couple of other parents will be there just for support. You're very welcome to stay, but also feel free to enjoy an evening minus one kid!"

I'd take that as a hint I am not welcome and decline for both my child and myself, especially if the party was held as a separate location depending on transportation.

The bar mitzvah cycle is just the beginning of events you will do separate from your child. Get over yourself.

I'm not sure I would phrase things as the above, but people really don't know sometimes whether it is a kids party or a family party. We make different choices. I mostly I voted families, but some kids without parents. I asked everyone in who dropped a kid off, and a few joined us for a drink, most were thrilled I gave them a night off.

And is the driving really that big of a deal? Heck, my son's party was closer than the middle school for most of his guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would feel comfortable being on both ends of this conversation:

"Thanks for RSVPing for Jack! The party is really for the kids; a couple of other parents will be there just for support. You're very welcome to stay, but also feel free to enjoy an evening minus one kid!"

I'd take that as a hint I am not welcome and decline for both my child and myself, especially if the party was held as a separate location depending on transportation.

The bar mitzvah cycle is just the beginning of events you will do separate from your child. Get over yourself.

I'm not sure I would phrase things as the above, but people really don't know sometimes whether it is a kids party or a family party. We make different choices. I mostly I voted families, but some kids without parents. I asked everyone in who dropped a kid off, and a few joined us for a drink, most were thrilled I gave them a night off.

And is the driving really that big of a deal? Heck, my son's party was closer than the middle school for most of his guests.

This. The way we handled it was my DD's closest friends, whom we knew and socialized with the families, we invited the families. For DD's friends from Camp/Temple/School, who we never saw before and will never see again, we invited just the kids. We invited 140 people: 100 adults and 40 kids. we had 70 adults and about 20 kids.

[Anonymous]

First world Jewish problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

I agree with everything except inviting more parents just because that one mom is going. I attended a bat mitzvah as a child with my family (we aren't Jewish) and I know it's very expensive. You are just going to cause more annoyance for yourself by inviting more parents .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

I agree!

This sounds perfect!