Bat Mitzvah invitation - DD's classmate's mom RSVP'd yes (WWYD)

[Anonymous]

OP is indeed a very thoughtful and caring person, as she is now inviting more parents so that nobody feels bad. I vote her for poster of the year!


I agree -- OP is a wonderful person. OP, best congratulations on your daughter's special day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

OP, my child was recently invited to a bar mitzvah, this was only my second one. The way the invitation was worded i assumed too we were invited to the party. I rsvp'd my child +1, my husband would go. I received an email from the mom uninviting us. We thought we were being nice by having at least one of us attend. We're not familiar with the tradition - the first one my child attended, he went to the ceremony and party. He was asked why had we not come to the party, so I decided to be cautious with our second invite and rsvp'd for one of us to go. I was really put off when the mother emailed and uninvited us, both my husband and I thought the invites were not clear we were not to attend.


We are on our 6th invites so far this year. It's been a breeze to just put some cash in an envelop and send my kid off for the day or most of it. Strangely, the above kid is one of the least friendly or liked in a group of popular kids. He has a reputation for being somewhat of a bully, he is always looking for weaknesses in other kids to pick on. Needless to say, I will be less likely now to encourage my kid to socialize with this kid outside of school as they've done on occasions.

[Anonymous]

The way the invitation was worded i assumed too we were invited to the party. I rsvp'd my child +1, my husband would go. I received an email from the mom uninviting us. We thought we were being nice by having at least one of us attend. We're not familiar with the tradition - the first one my child attended, he went to the ceremony and party. He was asked why had we not come to the party, so I decided to be cautious with our second invite and rsvp'd for one of us to go. I was really put off when the mother emailed and uninvited us, both my husband and I thought the invites were not clear we were not to attend.

She didn't "uninvite" you! You assumed you were invited in the first instance, but you weren't. The OP of this post is being extremely kind and gracious, which is awesome, but it would also be socially acceptable to contact the parent and clear up the misunderstanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The way the invitation was worded i assumed too we were invited to the party. I rsvp'd my child +1, my husband would go. I received an email from the mom uninviting us. We thought we were being nice by having at least one of us attend. We're not familiar with the tradition - the first one my child attended, he went to the ceremony and party. He was asked why had we not come to the party, so I decided to be cautious with our second invite and rsvp'd for one of us to go. I was really put off when the mother emailed and uninvited us, both my husband and I thought the invites were not clear we were not to attend.

She didn't "uninvite" you! You assumed you were invited in the first instance, but you weren't. The OP of this post is being extremely kind and gracious, which is awesome, but it would also be socially acceptable to contact the parent and clear up the misunderstanding.

+1

In my experience, the people invited to the event are the ones on the envelope, just like for any event including weddings. Others are welcome to the service, but only the addressee(s) are invited to the reception. And, as with any invitation, when in doubt, ask! It was never weird for my parents not to come to a b'nai mitzvah party. More time to hang out with friends without direct supervision!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

OP, my child was recently invited to a bar mitzvah, this was only my second one. The way the invitation was worded i assumed too we were invited to the party. I rsvp'd my child +1, my husband would go. I received an email from the mom uninviting us. We thought we were being nice by having at least one of us attend. We're not familiar with the tradition - the first one my child attended, he went to the ceremony and party. He was asked why had we not come to the party, so I decided to be cautious with our second invite and rsvp'd for one of us to go. I was really put off when the mother emailed and uninvited us, both my husband and I thought the invites were not clear we were not to attend.


We are on our 6th invites so far this year. It's been a breeze to just put some cash in an envelop and send my kid off for the day or most of it. Strangely, the above kid is one of the least friendly or liked in a group of popular kids. He has a reputation for being somewhat of a bully, he is always looking for weaknesses in other kids to pick on. Needless to say, I will be less likely now to encourage my kid to socialize with this kid outside of school as they've done on occasions.

How was it worded that made you assume you were invited? How could it have been worded differently so you wouldn't have assumed?

[Anonymous]

When my son was invited to his friends Bar Mitzvah it was pretty clear to me that only he was invited as the invitation was addressed to him only. One of my other mom friends however did not realize this and she attended with her son. there was only one other set of mom friends there who were close to the family and were legitimately invited, the other adults were all family and close friends.

OP, I think it's fine for that mom to attend and I don't think it's necessary to invite others if that was not your original plan. Actually, I think it would be good, so that hopefully she will realize that she is one of very few parents there and that the invitation was for her son only. I mean, she really should know, for future reference if nothing else, and this way you don't have to embarrass her or yourself by saying anything.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't do a thing. I think if you send out more information to the whole class she will piece together that she isn't actually invited "Children should be dropped off at xx time and picked up at xx time" She'll either not come or will call you and apologize. At that point you can just say, oh yes, typically just kids are invited, but if you want to come, feel free!

She probably will not come and you won't have to deal with figuring out who else to invite. And if she does come, it is fine.

good luck!

[Anonymous]

ps, I should say that I didn't know anything about baatmitzvahs when my daughter joined a fancy private school and was invited to gobs. I was totally traumatized when we got the first invite. give money in amounts of $18!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was invited to her first bar mitzvah recently. I knew the party invitation was only for her but was unclear whether a parent should attend the service with her. It was very helpful to get a follow-up note from the parents, sent to all the boy's friends, explaining when and where to drop off (for both service and party), what they should wear, etc. And that would also make it more clear that the invite was for the kids, not for their parents.

I don't understand this. Why would it be unclear if a parent should come? The parent was not invited. The child was invited. Presumably your child is over the age of three and can handle a drop-off. So why in any way would you think you should attend if you weren't invited?

Over the age of 3? What kind of irresponsible person would drop off their 3-5/6 year old with often strangers they don't know? Given the party is often at a different location, I would not drop off my kid so they could ride with a stranger.

[Anonymous]

I attended a number of bar mitzvah services without an invite. Sometimes it was because I just happened to be going to shul that day, and kiddish is for everyone. I also tried my best to go to the services of all my child's friends, whether invited or not. I really like watching the kids shine. Never attended a party without an invite and never got confused about who was on the invite, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ps, I should say that I didn't know anything about bat mitzvahs when my daughter joined a fancy private school and was invited to gobs. I was totally traumatized when we got the first invite. give money in amounts of $18!!!

OP here - WHAT??? Someone actually wrote that on the invitation??? Yuck.

I didn't know until recently that kids gave each other money. This just seems so weird to me, but we asked parents of older girls, and this is what they told us to do when DD goes to her friends' bat mitzvahs. I honestly don't care if DD gets gifts at all - this is such an exciting event for her (and for our family) that frankly, having the festivities and everyone gathered to celebrate her is enough of a present as far as I am concerned. And for the first time in my life, I am going to go up on the chair during the Hora, and I can't wait!

Thanks again to those who weighed in with advice.

[Anonymous]

OP - You and DH are a very gracious and caring couple, but probably a note with the invitation on details of attire and drop off and pickup of each event "for her classmates" might have clarified that it was for students only. You are also very considerate about gifts as many might not know about certain traditions in gift giving.

Is the Mom of the boy in question a single Mom because if not, then what about DH being invited, too, now if you are including an additional one or two couples? If she is a single Mom, then inviting a few additional couples may well just make her feel out of place wouldn't it?

[Anonymous]

I would not invite more parents. It would be even more weird for her if she realized you invited other people just to make her feel comfortable.

I had no clue what to do when DD received her first bat mitzvah invite. At my church, you would never drop off a child who had never been there before. I didn't know if it was ok to drive up to the synagogue, if I should go in with DD, what I should wear if I walked in with her, if it was ok for her to have her cell phone if it was turned off, how I would know when to pick her up when the time was not listed on the invite and she didn't have her phone. Thank goodness DCUM provided many useful tips! I agree it would be very helpful to send a letter or email to parents letting them know drop off and pick up times and locations, appropriate attire for the service and party, tips about cell phone use, gifts at the service, etc. The mother will probably be relieved when she realizes she doesn't have to spend her day at the service and reception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

I'm Jewish but no way am I driving my kid all day to two different venues at very different times. You should have done them back to back and rented a bus or invited the parents. Its inconsiderate to have parents racing around all day Knowing it was two different venues, I'd agree to one but not two (and we do almost daily activities).

[Anonymous]

16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.