Bat Mitzvah invitation - DD's classmate's mom RSVP'd yes (WWYD)
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Anonymous
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We recently sent out invitations for our daughter's Bat Mitzvah in the fall, and today we got an RSVP back from a boy in her class, which replied yes for both the boy and the mom. The boy was invited - as were all the children in my daughter's class of 24 kids, but we hadn't invited the mom. In fact, we only invited two sets of parents from the class. The people we invited are people we are close to; we did not invite anyone else from the class or the school, and this isn't going to be a huge affair (100 guests total, 55+ of whom are children).
I really like the mom who RSVP'd yes and am actually totally happy that she will come. She is a very nice person, and my daughter and I both agreed that if anyone were going to make this mistake and read an invitation addressed to her son as also addressed to her, then we are happy it was she. My question is whether I should now invite a few other parents from our class, or whether she will feel funny coming and being one of only two parents there. Of the two sets of parents from the class whom we invited, one is having a baby right around then, so they are not likely to come. The other set of parents are my daughter's best friend's parents. I worry that when the mom in question gets to the Bat Mitzvah, she will realize that there is no one else from the class there and will feel funny that she RSVP'd yes. I am actually fairly friendly with a couple of other moms in the class - friendly enough to have coffee but not really to invite them to an event like this, but I am wondering now if I should send them (and their spouses, where relevant) invitations too. Of course these would have to go out as just to the parents, since I already invited the children. WWYD? I don't want this mom to come and feel awkward. My daughter is the only Jewish child in her class, and I know for sure that most of the children have never been to a Bat or Bar Mitzvah, so it's possible that the mom didn't realize that this is sort of a special event and not really a "come one, come all" sort of thing. Advice? Thanks! |
Anonymous
| I would let her know she is not invited and let her decide if she will allow her son to go without her. For what ever reason she or he is not comfortable attending without her. |
Anonymous
| OP here - thanks but I don't think that is the case. The son goes to lots of social events without the mom, so this isn't what is going on. I think the mom didn't look at the envelope and see that it was addressed just to her son. I really think it was a mistake. I am definitely not telling her she wasn't invited. She is a lovely person and I won't embarrass her. I am trying, in this post, to get advice on how to make her feel more welcome and included (and not have her realize her mistake). I'm not looking to make her feel less welcome. |
Anonymous
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Are you in an area with few jews?
I grew up in the midwest, and this year in my 40-spmething life my 13 year old was invited to our family's (generations back) bar mitzvah. It is the only invite he received so I assume there are few jewish families in our area. I reached out to the mom to see if I was supposed to go (because I truly did not know what would be expected, and she stammered a bit until I was able to let her know that I was asking because I truly have no idea. The equivalent ceremony in my faith is confirmation, and if you invite a kid you usually invite the family, as you only invite those very close to you to confirmation. (Usually just family, but occasionally a very close friend.) Maybe she also really does not know what is standard? |
Anonymous
| You are a good person for doing this, OP. If it's in your budget, I'd invite a few other sets of parents. If you are friendly enough to have coffee, I'd say something like "the numbers worked out so that we could invite more of our friends too in addition to the kids, we really hope you can make it!" - because obviously they know they were not in the first round of invites. |
Anonymous
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I think it would be nice to invite a few other parents just as the pp above suggested.
Also, your concern for making others comfortable is the epitome of good manners. Classy move and a lovely lesson to to teach your daughter about being generous in spirit as she reaches this milestone. |
Anonymous
| I would not invite extra parents, but I would also call her and explain that the invitation did not extend to her. |
Anonymous
| That's very thoughtful of you, OP. Is it possible to verbally invite the other parents you are close to to avoid weird second mailed invitation issue? |
Anonymous
| Is the service in the AM and the party in the PM? You could invite a few more parents to celebrate at the service and kiddush and then explain that the party is predominantly for children. |
Anonymous
You could start a domino effect with other parents feeling hurt that you invited so-and-so's parents but not them. Call her and tell her very nicely that the invitation was only to the classmates alone and not their parents. |
Anonymous
Unless the party is at a different location, it would appear very inhospitable not to invite the parent to join the party after the service and kiddush. |
Anonymous
| Maybe she's just intending to go to the service, which would be fine - services in a temple are open to everyone off the street. *I* could attend your daughter's bat mitzvah. |
Anonymous
Obviously, that's why I asked if the service was a morning service. |
Anonymous
That is rude unless you are invited or a member of the temple. |
Anonymous
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I think I would feel comfortable being on both ends of this conversation:
"Thanks for RSVPing for Jack! The party is really for the kids; a couple of other parents will be there just for support. You're very welcome to stay, but also feel free to enjoy an evening minus one kid!" |