Bat Mitzvah invitation - DD's classmate's mom RSVP'd yes (WWYD)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

Its a huge imposition to expect the parents to drive and drop off two different venues and find something to do during that time while the child is there. OP should do back to back and rent a bus if no parents are invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

Its a huge imposition to expect the parents to drive and drop off two different venues and find something to do during that time while the child is there. OP should do back to back and rent a bus if no parents are invited.

It's a huge milestone lifecycle event for a jewish child. In addition to the kids coming, lots of extended family come in from out of town. It's not a 7 year olds pizza and bowling party so please you sound insane saying its a "huge imposition" the family is having an evening party with the morning service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

Its a huge imposition to expect the parents to drive and drop off two different venues and find something to do during that time while the child is there. OP should do back to back and rent a bus if no parents are invited.

It's a huge milestone lifecycle event for a jewish child. In addition to the kids coming, lots of extended family come in from out of town. It's not a 7 year olds pizza and bowling party so please you sound insane saying its a "huge imposition" the family is having an evening party with the morning service.

I know what it is but if you do not include parents you should provide transportation to the party site and be reasonable. For a best friend fine, but not a classmate my kid is barely friends with.

[Anonymous]

Weird - I'm not Jewish but pretty much every bar mitzvah I've been to there has been a service in the morning and then hours later at night a party. What's the big deal? Is the above poster complaining about drop offs Jewish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

Its a huge imposition to expect the parents to drive and drop off two different venues and find something to do during that time while the child is there. OP should do back to back and rent a bus if no parents are invited.

It's a huge milestone lifecycle event for a jewish child. In addition to the kids coming, lots of extended family come in from out of town. It's not a 7 year olds pizza and bowling party so please you sound insane saying its a "huge imposition" the family is having an evening party with the morning service.

I know what it is but if you do not include parents you should provide transportation to the party site and be reasonable. For a best friend fine, but not a classmate my kid is barely friends with.

It's very nice your kid was invited. Your kid is not required to say yes to the invite. Think of it as 2 parties --- because let's be clear they are feeding your child two meals. A bus costs an additional 600 for our event on top of the 40k for everything else. What are you giving as a gift $36. Be thankful they invited your child. Some people are obnoxious and you seem like one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

Its a huge imposition to expect the parents to drive and drop off two different venues and find something to do during that time while the child is there. OP should do back to back and rent a bus if no parents are invited.

It's a huge milestone lifecycle event for a jewish child. In addition to the kids coming, lots of extended family come in from out of town. It's not a 7 year olds pizza and bowling party so please you sound insane saying its a "huge imposition" the family is having an evening party with the morning service.

I know what it is but if you do not include parents you should provide transportation to the party site and be reasonable. For a best friend fine, but not a classmate my kid is barely friends with.

It's very nice your kid was invited. Your kid is not required to say yes to the invite. Think of it as 2 parties --- because let's be clear they are feeding your child two meals. A bus costs an additional 600 for our event on top of the 40k for everything else. What are you giving as a gift $36. Be thankful they invited your child. Some people are obnoxious and you seem like one of them.

I wouldn't brag about crappy catered food that has been sitting for hours. My kid would not eat it so its a non-issue and we'd feed before they went. If they choose to spend $40K that is their choice and an extra $600 at that point is no big deal. That is why we are not having one. That's a year's worth of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

Its a huge imposition to expect the parents to drive and drop off two different venues and find something to do during that time while the child is there. OP should do back to back and rent a bus if no parents are invited.

It's a huge milestone lifecycle event for a jewish child. In addition to the kids coming, lots of extended family come in from out of town. It's not a 7 year olds pizza and bowling party so please you sound insane saying its a "huge imposition" the family is having an evening party with the morning service.

I know what it is but if you do not include parents you should provide transportation to the party site and be reasonable. For a best friend fine, but not a classmate my kid is barely friends with.

It's very nice your kid was invited. Your kid is not required to say yes to the invite. Think of it as 2 parties --- because let's be clear they are feeding your child two meals. A bus costs an additional 600 for our event on top of the 40k for everything else. What are you giving as a gift $36. Be thankful they invited your child. Some people are obnoxious and you seem like one of them.

I wouldn't brag about crappy catered food that has been sitting for hours. My kid would not eat it so its a non-issue and we'd feed before they went. If they choose to spend $40K that is their choice and an extra $600 at that point is no big deal. That is why we are not having one. That's a year's worth of college.

Hey you are the one that is complaining on here about driving to the synagogue and the night party. I am always happy to drive my child to a bar or bat mitzvah so they can experience this life cycle event. Sounds like you have some internal issues around not having a bar/bat mitzvah and party for your own child. I know several people who didn't want to spend the money on synagogue dues, religious school and in your case driving to those things and later when their kid was invited to other kids bar mitzvah parties, all of a sudden their kid wanted one. The good news is you can be 80 years old and have a bar mitzvah then! As to your comment about 40k for college instead of a bar mitzvah, how about saving 160,000 per kid for college and I think it's 260,000 to raise a child until age 18, just don't have kids. Be child free and you want have any kids expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

+1. It's not all about you. Feel free to deprive people of the grace of your presence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:34, the beautiful thing about an invitation is that you are free to accept or decline. If an event feels like too much hassle to you, all you have to do is check "decline" and you're done. voila - your day is now free to do your "daily activities," and the hosts will save the $75 or $100 that they were going to spend on your child's attendance at the bat mitzvah.

Its a huge imposition to expect the parents to drive and drop off two different venues and find something to do during that time while the child is there. OP should do back to back and rent a bus if no parents are invited.

It's a huge milestone lifecycle event for a jewish child. In addition to the kids coming, lots of extended family come in from out of town. It's not a 7 year olds pizza and bowling party so please you sound insane saying its a "huge imposition" the family is having an evening party with the morning service.

I know what it is but if you do not include parents you should provide transportation to the party site and be reasonable. For a best friend fine, but not a classmate my kid is barely friends with.

It's very nice your kid was invited. Your kid is not required to say yes to the invite. Think of it as 2 parties --- because let's be clear they are feeding your child two meals. A bus costs an additional 600 for our event on top of the 40k for everything else. What are you giving as a gift $36. Be thankful they invited your child. Some people are obnoxious and you seem like one of them.

I wouldn't brag about crappy catered food that has been sitting for hours. My kid would not eat it so its a non-issue and we'd feed before they went. If they choose to spend $40K that is their choice and an extra $600 at that point is no big deal. That is why we are not having one. That's a year's worth of college.

Hey you are the one that is complaining on here about driving to the synagogue and the night party. I am always happy to drive my child to a bar or bat mitzvah so they can experience this life cycle event. Sounds like you have some internal issues around not having a bar/bat mitzvah and party for your own child. I know several people who didn't want to spend the money on synagogue dues, religious school and in your case driving to those things and later when their kid was invited to other kids bar mitzvah parties, all of a sudden their kid wanted one. The good news is you can be 80 years old and have a bar mitzvah then! As to your comment about 40k for college instead of a bar mitzvah, how about saving 160,000 per kid for college and I think it's 260,000 to raise a child until age 18, just don't have kids. Be child free and you want have any kids expenses.

I didn't have one and I knew my parents were saving for college, which they fully paid for. Looking back, college and graduate school served me far better. $40,000 for a party is insane to me. We spent a few thousand for our wedding at a nice inn and years later, I'm glad we did not do a lavish one. Those may be your values, but not someone else's which is ok. Most kids just want the party. That is normal.

[Anonymous]

19:44, this is OP. It's so interesting that you managed to turn a thread that was about inclusion and how to help smooth over someone's misunderstanding into a complaint about just about everything. If your child is one of the children we invited, please feel free to decline for him or her.

We have spent a ton of time and effort (and money) trying to design an experience at which our guests would feel welcome and happy - choosing foods for all kinds of eaters, designing a program to explain the service to those who are not familiar with it, even (if you read the thread above) inviting more people to make sure that everyone has someone to talk to (and inviting all of our single friends with a guest). If your child declines because you think the driving is a hassle and aren't willing to carpool with another member of our class (which most people will be doing), I am sorry to hear this. If you're declining because your child won't eat the food we are providing,then that is a little strange because you don't even know what we picked. And if you're just opposed to this whole thing on the merits, please let me tell you that my daughter is the one who chose to learn Hebrew and study and become a Bat Mitzvah at an age that is a little bit older than traditional, and I am learning Hebrew and studying to become a Bat Mitzvah myself next year. This event is marking my daughter's decision to publicly affirm her commitment to the Jewish religion and to accept her responsibilities as a Jewish adult. That's it - it's about gathering family and friends around who want to come and celebrate alongside us, and if we have decided to have an evening party to celebrate her big day, this is about our family and a choice we are making. If you or your child is not someone who wants to come with joy to help us celebrate, please don't come.

You can feel free to decline our invitation, and where it says "declines with regrets," you can even cross out the "with regrets" so that you're clear you're declining with pleasure. Fortunately, we have a wonderful community around us who can't wait for this experience -- especially since most of the children (as I said) have never attended at Bat Mitzvah before and can't wait to experience what one is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:44, this is OP. It's so interesting that you managed to turn a thread that was about inclusion and how to help smooth over someone's misunderstanding into a complaint about just about everything. If your child is one of the children we invited, please feel free to decline for him or her.

We have spent a ton of time and effort (and money) trying to design an experience at which our guests would feel welcome and happy - choosing foods for all kinds of eaters, designing a program to explain the service to those who are not familiar with it, even (if you read the thread above) inviting more people to make sure that everyone has someone to talk to (and inviting all of our single friends with a guest). If your child declines because you think the driving is a hassle and aren't willing to carpool with another member of our class (which most people will be doing), I am sorry to hear this. If you're declining because your child won't eat the food we are providing,then that is a little strange because you don't even know what we picked. And if you're just opposed to this whole thing on the merits, please let me tell you that my daughter is the one who chose to learn Hebrew and study and become a Bat Mitzvah at an age that is a little bit older than traditional, and I am learning Hebrew and studying to become a Bat Mitzvah myself next year. This event is marking my daughter's decision to publicly affirm her commitment to the Jewish religion and to accept her responsibilities as a Jewish adult. That's it - it's about gathering family and friends around who want to come and celebrate alongside us, and if we have decided to have an evening party to celebrate her big day, this is about our family and a choice we are making. If you or your child is not someone who wants to come with joy to help us celebrate, please don't come.

You can feel free to decline our invitation, and where it says "declines with regrets," you can even cross out the "with regrets" so that you're clear you're declining with pleasure. Fortunately, we have a wonderful community around us who can't wait for this experience -- especially since most of the children (as I said) have never attended at Bat Mitzvah before and can't wait to experience what one is like.

AMEN!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not invite extra parents, but I would also call her and explain that the invitation did not extend to her.

You could start a domino effect with other parents feeling hurt that you invited so-and-so's parents but not them. Call her and tell her very nicely that the invitation was only to the classmates alone and not their parents.

Framing it well will leave no misunderstanding. The invites are for the kids. For all you know, she thinks "ah, I don't go to these sorts of things, but I don't want to offend the mom, so I guess I'll go." The other PP explained that Confirmation invitations are for the family of Kid X. Maybe this mom's background leads her believe similarly? Since you're totally open to her coming, you can afford to be completely open. You'd love having her there, but wouldn't want to feel compelled. If you decide not to say anything to her, just trust that she's an adult and can handle a social event without a collection of familiar parents. You mentioned that at least three families will be familiar to her anyway--yours and the two best friend classmates. She'll have the opportunity to meet new people, so I wouldn't think to add more parents from the class. Just have a couple of friends make her feel welcome.

It's really sweet that you're overthinking this. It seems easily managed though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it would be nice to invite a few other parents just as the pp above suggested.

Also, your concern for making others comfortable is the epitome of good manners. Classy move and a lovely lesson to to teach your daughter about being generous in spirit as she reaches this milestone.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was invited to her first bar mitzvah recently. I knew the party invitation was only for her but was unclear whether a parent should attend the service with her. It was very helpful to get a follow-up note from the parents, sent to all the boy's friends, explaining when and where to drop off (for both service and party), what they should wear, etc. And that would also make it more clear that the invite was for the kids, not for their parents.

I don't understand this. Why would it be unclear if a parent should come? The parent was not invited. The child was invited. Presumably your child is over the age of three and can handle a drop-off. So why in any way would you think you should attend if you weren't invited?

See the two explainations above from.the two Catholics.

You would not invite your kid's friend to a confirmation and not include the parents. If that is all the parent knows, and has zero experience with a Bar/Bat mitzvah they might get confused as to what is appropriate.

[Anonymous]

There are two ways parties are done: 1) a party right after the service, either at the temple social hall, or more likely elsewhere. In that case, there is often transportation provided. (in our case, we had a bus take kids from the temple to the party).

The other option is an evening party. In this scenario there is no way to be responsible for the children between the service and the party as you are looking at a gap of 4-5 hours between events.

The latter is done largely because judaism prohibits work on the sabbath (fri sundown to Saturday Dark). In a more religious community (conservative jews, etc), people will have a kiddish lunch after the service (think sandwiches), and then have the big party in the evening.

This is not being done to inconvenience you, it is being done because of tradition.