Bat Mitzvah invitation - DD's classmate's mom RSVP'd yes (WWYD)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's just intending to go to the service, which would be fine - services in a temple are open to everyone off the street. *I* could attend your daughter's bat mitzvah.

That is rude unless you are invited or a member of the temple.

I guess it depends on your temple - where I come from, it's a Saturday morning Shabbat service, so anyone who wants to attend THAT, does. If there happens to be a bar or bat mitzvah going on during that service, so be it. There were lots of people at my bat mizvah that I didn't really know. Some were there because they're more observant and always showed up on Saturdays, some were there for mourner's Kiddush, some were there because they want to be a kind face in the congregation for the rabbi when s/he looks out, etc.

I'm sorry you aren't a member of a more welcoming temple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's just intending to go to the service, which would be fine - services in a temple are open to everyone off the street. *I* could attend your daughter's bat mitzvah.

That is rude unless you are invited or a member of the temple.

I guess it depends on your temple - where I come from, it's a Saturday morning Shabbat service, so anyone who wants to attend THAT, does. If there happens to be a bar or bat mitzvah going on during that service, so be it. There were lots of people at my bat mizvah that I didn't really know. Some were there because they're more observant and always showed up on Saturdays, some were there for mourner's Kiddush, some were there because they want to be a kind face in the congregation for the rabbi when s/he looks out, etc.

I'm sorry you aren't a member of a more welcoming temple.

NP. This is my experience too, at the temple I grew up in, the temple I attended as an adult in MD, and the one I go to now in the Midwest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's just intending to go to the service, which would be fine - services in a temple are open to everyone off the street. *I* could attend your daughter's bat mitzvah.

That is rude unless you are invited or a member of the temple.

I guess it depends on your temple - where I come from, it's a Saturday morning Shabbat service, so anyone who wants to attend THAT, does. If there happens to be a bar or bat mitzvah going on during that service, so be it. There were lots of people at my bat mizvah that I didn't really know. Some were there because they're more observant and always showed up on Saturdays, some were there for mourner's Kiddush, some were there because they want to be a kind face in the congregation for the rabbi when s/he looks out, etc.

I'm sorry you aren't a member of a more welcoming temple.

NP. This is my experience too, at the temple I grew up in, the temple I attended as an adult in MD, and the one I go to now in the Midwest.

Our temple in DC is like this as well. Shabbat services are open to the public. Plus, it's not unheard of for parents of invited children to stick around and enjoy the service if they know the bar or bat mitzvah. I've always viewed it as a kind gesture on their part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would feel comfortable being on both ends of this conversation:

"Thanks for RSVPing for Jack! The party is really for the kids; a couple of other parents will be there just for support. You're very welcome to stay, but also feel free to enjoy an evening minus one kid!"

I'd take that as a hint I am not welcome and decline for both my child and myself, especially if the party was held as a separate location depending on transportation.

[Anonymous]

My DD was invited to her first bar mitzvah recently. I knew the party invitation was only for her but was unclear whether a parent should attend the service with her. It was very helpful to get a follow-up note from the parents, sent to all the boy's friends, explaining when and where to drop off (for both service and party), what they should wear, etc. And that would also make it more clear that the invite was for the kids, not for their parents.

[Anonymous]

^^ agree with this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you in an area with few jews?

I grew up in the midwest, and this year in my 40-spmething life my 13 year old was invited to our family's (generations back) bar mitzvah. It is the only invite he received so I assume there are few jewish families in our area.

I reached out to the mom to see if I was supposed to go (because I truly did not know what would be expected, and she stammered a bit until I was able to let her know that I was asking because I truly have no idea. The equivalent ceremony in my faith is confirmation, and if you invite a kid you usually invite the family, as you only invite those very close to you to confirmation. (Usually just family, but occasionally a very close friend.)

Maybe she also really does not know what is standard?

+1

I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school and know nothing about the Jewish faith. I would not know either if a parent is expected to attend. Since I still have to remind my kid to sit still in mass sometimes, I would tend to think you would expect a parent to attend a religious celebration. Also, my idea of reception after a religious ceremony was a very open buffet/potluck lunch with cake and punch in the church hall.

[Anonymous]

OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD was invited to her first bar mitzvah recently. I knew the party invitation was only for her but was unclear whether a parent should attend the service with her. It was very helpful to get a follow-up note from the parents, sent to all the boy's friends, explaining when and where to drop off (for both service and party), what they should wear, etc. And that would also make it more clear that the invite was for the kids, not for their parents.

I don't understand this. Why would it be unclear if a parent should come? The parent was not invited. The child was invited. Presumably your child is over the age of three and can handle a drop-off. So why in any way would you think you should attend if you weren't invited?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would it be unclear if a parent should come?

Maybe because I'm not Jewish and didn't know? I thought that the service might be open to all and that it might be more polite for me to be there. I drop off my child all the time, but not usually at houses of worship. Forgive me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would leave it alone. When is Bar Mitzvah again? I didn't go to any that my DD was invited to, but I knew I wasn't invited. The only thing is I feel bad for her son as he will be mortified that his mom is there, but she might find out from him that no other parents are coming in the meantime. You are a very gracious host as it is and thinking more of her feelings.

[Anonymous]

I'd be very wary of inviting more parents - the kids will all see who has parents there and who doesn't creating a bigger issue among the parents of why some were and some weren't invited
I think she'll figure it out as it gets closer ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and thank you for the helpful responses. The family is from the mid-south, and it's likely they have never had any experience with Bat or Bar Mitzvahs. I can absolutely imagine that the mom thinks she is being extra supportive of my daughter by RSVP'ing that she is coming too -- she drew smiley faces and other cute drawings on the RSVP card, clearly signaling enthusiasm.

I really don't feel right saying anything to her at all about the misunderstanding, but i do think it might make sense to share some info about what to expect with the parents in the class. I can easily send out a class email as it gets closer telling them pick up times from the temple and the party (and yes, one is morning and the other is evening, at different venues) and also sharing a little more info. As I said, DD is the only Jewish child in the class - this is part of why we actually joined a temple, because we weren't naturally meeting a Jewish community where we live now - so I think this info would probably be helpful to those who have no idea what to expect (probably most).

DH and I talked about this tonight, and we absolutely both agree that if this mom is set to come, then we are very happy to have her and will not tell her not to come. Our temple is very inclusive and welcoming and even more, this is our family style to be inclusive and welcoming. I will find a group for her to sit with and will certainly invite a couple more of the moms I am a little more friendly with and their DHs, so that there is a bit more of a cohort from our class. She is a lovely woman and clearly trying to do the right thing. I love the suggestion to share more info with the class - and then if she figures out herself, no harm done and if she comes, again, no harm done.

Thanks to everyone for the input!

This sounds perfect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD was invited to her first bar mitzvah recently. I knew the party invitation was only for her but was unclear whether a parent should attend the service with her. It was very helpful to get a follow-up note from the parents, sent to all the boy's friends, explaining when and where to drop off (for both service and party), what they should wear, etc. And that would also make it more clear that the invite was for the kids, not for their parents.

I don't understand this. Why would it be unclear if a parent should come? The parent was not invited. The child was invited. Presumably your child is over the age of three and can handle a drop-off. So why in any way would you think you should attend if you weren't invited?

NP: Unclear because it never would have occurred to me that it would be appropriate, let alone expected, to drop my kid off at a place of worship unattended. Just not done in my faith. A party yes, but not a religious service. That's awkward to me, so I'd hope to be told pretty explicitly that it is normal and expected and appropriate that the religious service is just for kids. Otherwise, I'd assume they expected me to be there with him for the service, and would think I was rude to just drop him off and leave. I've only been to one bat mitzvah in my life, and that was as an adult (and I don't recall any unattended children there).

[Anonymous]

Some online invitation might say, "How many will attend?" Even some mailed invitation will have that option, so I don't understand PPs who are confused that there might be a confusion. There are many transplants here who might have no clue about such traditions and might think it is rude not to come and might be extra careful not to offend the host. Not everybody was born in Potomac, Bethesda, Kemp Mill, Olney, etc...OP is indeed a very thoughtful and caring person, as she is now inviting more parents so that nobody feels bad. I vote her for poster of the year!