accidentally invited "twin" to party
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Anonymous
I won't lie to you. It's an issue and I'm one that likes to separate same gender twins so they can have their own circle of friends. There was one painful week when we got an invite about one party birthday, but it wasn't addressed to a specific child. It was a very small party according to the guest list and the RSVPs were clearly for one child. Before I had a chance to email the parents, Twin A and I ran into Larla during pick up one afternoon and Larla asked if Twin A was coming to the party. I kind of checked that off my to do list by RSVP'ing for Twin A. What I didn't realize is that Twin B had been playing with Larla at recess and eating lunch with Larla for two weeks straight. The next day at school lunch Twin B was sitting with Larla as usual and the party apparently came up. Twin B recounted to me that Larla mentioned that she wanted to add Twin B to the list for her party and had told her mom to send me an email. No email that day. We then ran into Larla together at school a few days later after an activity and she mentioned again that her mom would email me to add Twin B to the party. Larla's nanny was with her and was nodding when Larla was talking about this. Well that email never came either. Maybe the mom was busy or she forgot or didn't have room or whatever. I did not know the mom and thought that if she didn't include the other twin there was good reason for it so I didn't bring myself. I ended up taking Twin A alone to the party. Twin B was DEVASTATED and cried for several days. It was awful. Both kids are used to not being invited to parties that the other attends but this was the first time it was the party of someone both considered a friend. Not sure what I could have done differently. Maybe I should have emailed Larla's parents anyway? Or changed my RSVP for the first twin to a no? This party stuff is normally fun but when situations like this come up it's really hard to see your child hurting so much at such a young age. |
Anonymous
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I had something similar happen to me. I sent the invitation to one child, but got an email from the Mom saying that my daughter had mentioned the party to both sibs. She said they were fine either way, but just checking.
I invited both. The family is a very nice family and has now gone out of their way for my daughter, too. The gracious response will get you much farther. |
Anonymous
I'm surprised people are asking this question. My son goes to school with a set of twins and is friends with one of them, but doesn't know the other well at all - just to say hi to. There are 5 classes per grade, and he has never been in a class or afterschool activity with the other boy. We do play dates with the twin he is friends with at our house, because the family has a dog and DS is allergic - I guess the situation might be different otherwise? |
Anonymous
Wow. I'm the PP you responded to. Thanks for sharing. It would have been very difficult for me, too. I guess one issue with all of this is there are competing values. On one hand, you want to teach your twins that they do have separate identities, that they shouldn't be crushed if they are both not invited to the same thing, and that it is mannerly to not assume that you both are invited to everything. On the other hand, I think I would also want to instill a sense of 'if doing something would hurt your sibling's feelings, then it is not worth doing." I know that's a little harsh and maybe to Asian guilty-ish (I'm Asian), but I do want them to stick up for each other and be each other's fiercest advocate. And if that means me (as the mom) saying to Larla's parents that, I'm sorry, Twin B thought he was Larla's friend and watching Twin A attend would hurt him/her too much" then maybe that's what I would do? I don't know - that also means Twin A suffers and could end up resenting Twin B. Argghhhh. Not excited about having to deal with this. |
Anonymous
Yup. Like the mom who invited my non-disabled twin to her son's b-day party when both twins were in the birthday boy's class. |
Anonymous
My kids are 4 and in a preschool where the classes intermingled on the playground and st lunch. They know kids from every class. The one time they were in two different classes we had a big invite list for their birthday because we invited everyone from both classes plus a select few from one other class (kids they played with on the playground) plus family friends. I ended up just rrenting out a play facility which included 30 kids and they charged me $10 e tea per child over 30. Fortunately with no shows we stayed under 30 and I didn't't have to pay extra. However in OP's situation, she sent an invitation to a first grade party to twins without addressing it to one anybody. It's an honest misunderstanding that both twins were included. One would think that if a host needed to restrict the number of attendees she would have addressed the invitation to the invited child. Without a child identified on the invite at all, I can see why it happened and think OP should just cope since she made the error. |
Anonymous
It's not odd not to be friends with both if one is in a different class, but it is a little odd if DS did not even know the twin of his friend existed. OP, the mom, did not know, but perhaps her DS never thought to mention it. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Not exactly my choice of words - but yes to the sentiment. What mean and uptight old biddies are turning away 6 year old twins, for christ's sake? So completely nasty. So utterly uptight. So MARYLAND. |
Anonymous
| Non-twin mom here. Accommodate them. I assumed at that age twins were a package deal. I wouldn't exclude one at that age - especially if they're the same gender. The same thing happened to me once but I blamed myself - my kid knew they were twins, and knew the twin, but didn't say anything. After that, I asked (but invited both.) |
Anonymous
Have you been to elementary school? They know the kids in the other class. My daughter has two twins in her class and knows both of their brothers (in another class.) Specials, lunch, recess ... We aren't talking about some kid they found on the street. |
Anonymous
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When I got a "which twin" email for my daughter's party I was SO embarassed. I had no idea they were twins (but my daughter did!) and felt awful that the mom or child might have thought one five year old was being excluded.
It's a house party. One six year old really DOESNT make a difference, unless you live in one of those "tiny homes." |
Anonymous
| This is the reaction I've seen from parents we know at our school. Usually they are bending over backwards to try to be as inclusive as possible to the other twin. We try to only bring both of them to parties where both of them are friends with the birthday kid but their circles overlap a lot and they have swap friends a lot. |
Anonymous
| Twin mom here (same sex identical twins). Whenever it's not clear who is invited to a play date or birthday I do ask but can see how the twin mom made the mistake. And at this point (twins are in second grade) they basically have the same pool of friends. Twins aren't necessarily a package deal - my older son is friends with one of a set of twins whose friends are distict from one another. I think it just depends. Mine get along well and have shared interests for the most part so it makes sense they are friends with the same group. Anyway, bottom line I don't think it's rude of either the twin mom or the OP and OP should assume she has to invite both twins to everything going forward, but should be more clear. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like an opportunity for your kid to make a new friend. |