How do you know husband is "in love" with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:>>DH here. This is me. I love my wife, and I care about her, but I'm not in love with her.

I realize that for some of you this makes no sense, but we've been together for over half of our lives, and maybe there was a time when I felt this way, but the reality is, I'm not now, and haven't been for a very, very long time. We do all the couple things, we're always on the same page with the kids, finances, etc. Our marriage is a successful enterprise, but over time it's become painfully obvious how different we are. I don't miss her when she's gone. And sex? Obligatory, disconnected.

I want her to be happy, because she's a good person and deserves to be happy, so I do all of the things that have been said here that make the other DWs feel that their husbands are in love with them. All of these gestures - they're thoughtful, and loving, and they certainly are symptoms of a happy, healthy marriage, but for me, it's just going through the motions. Not because I don't love and care for her, but because I feel obligated to do what I need to do to sustain the marriage, to keep things "happy."

But inside I am dying (probably literally) for something more, to feel in love, and for me that's a genuine connection, a kind of emotional chemistry that is utterly absent from our relationship. I've felt this way for years, and every day is a struggle to try to feel happy, to want what I've got, but I don't, and I feel trapped, because when all's said and done, we've built a life together, and I can't bear to think of what it would mean for our family if I were to move on.

So every day is a struggle to come to terms with this. You make it work. Because that's what you do. Just make it work.<<

This is heartbreaking. Have you tried counseling? Does your wife know how you feel? Do you seriously think that being with someone who is dying inside & feeling trapped by your marriage is honestly the right thing to give to your life partner you seem to respect? I hope to God this isn't my husband posting. Gives me chills....

DH here -

What is it that I'm not giving her? Honesty? Authenticity? More than anything else, my wife values stability and security, and just plain getting shit done. So that's what I provide. I make her feel loved and protected. I support her in her career, and am emotionally available 24/7, for her and the children. The marriage endures, the children are bright and happy. Don't get me wrong, our life is far from perfect, but what I'm saying is I'm doing everything right, marriage-wise, but I'm not in love. I'm committed to the life we have built together, and especially the lives we have created together. This - the children - is why I suffer through. Because I know that if I were to ever leave it would change everything with them, and for me, that is a fate far worse than a lifetime of emotional disconnect.

And by the way, I'm hardly alone in feeling this way. Countless marriages like this exist, with one or both of the partners suffering through, not because of abuse, or neglect, or terrible dysfunction, but because you drift apart, or maybe you realize that there was never really much of a connection to begin with, and getting married was just what came next. So you try to find ways to feel okay about it, you cherish every moment with the children before they're gone. You try to look forward, but mostly you're just trying to figure out how make it work, to want what you've got for the rest of your life, because that's what you're supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Does he do all types of shit for you and not expect anything in return? If he does, he's in love with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:>>DH here. This is me. I love my wife, and I care about her, but I'm not in love with her.

I realize that for some of you this makes no sense, but we've been together for over half of our lives, and maybe there was a time when I felt this way, but the reality is, I'm not now, and haven't been for a very, very long time. We do all the couple things, we're always on the same page with the kids, finances, etc. Our marriage is a successful enterprise, but over time it's become painfully obvious how different we are. I don't miss her when she's gone. And sex? Obligatory, disconnected.

I want her to be happy, because she's a good person and deserves to be happy, so I do all of the things that have been said here that make the other DWs feel that their husbands are in love with them. All of these gestures - they're thoughtful, and loving, and they certainly are symptoms of a happy, healthy marriage, but for me, it's just going through the motions. Not because I don't love and care for her, but because I feel obligated to do what I need to do to sustain the marriage, to keep things "happy."

But inside I am dying (probably literally) for something more, to feel in love, and for me that's a genuine connection, a kind of emotional chemistry that is utterly absent from our relationship. I've felt this way for years, and every day is a struggle to try to feel happy, to want what I've got, but I don't, and I feel trapped, because when all's said and done, we've built a life together, and I can't bear to think of what it would mean for our family if I were to move on.

So every day is a struggle to come to terms with this. You make it work. Because that's what you do. Just make it work.<<

This is heartbreaking. Have you tried counseling? Does your wife know how you feel? Do you seriously think that being with someone who is dying inside & feeling trapped by your marriage is honestly the right thing to give to your life partner you seem to respect? I hope to God this isn't my husband posting. Gives me chills....

DH here -

What is it that I'm not giving her? Honesty? Authenticity? More than anything else, my wife values stability and security, and just plain getting shit done. So that's what I provide. I make her feel loved and protected. I support her in her career, and am emotionally available 24/7, for her and the children. The marriage endures, the children are bright and happy. Don't get me wrong, our life is far from perfect, but what I'm saying is I'm doing everything right, marriage-wise, but I'm not in love. I'm committed to the life we have built together, and especially the lives we have created together. This - the children - is why I suffer through. Because I know that if I were to ever leave it would change everything with them, and for me, that is a fate far worse than a lifetime of emotional disconnect.

And by the way, I'm hardly alone in feeling this way. Countless marriages like this exist, with one or both of the partners suffering through, not because of abuse, or neglect, or terrible dysfunction, but because you drift apart, or maybe you realize that there was never really much of a connection to begin with, and getting married was just what came next. So you try to find ways to feel okay about it, you cherish every moment with the children before they're gone. You try to look forward, but mostly you're just trying to figure out how make it work, to want what you've got for the rest of your life, because that's what you're supposed to do.

Np. This could be me...I am a dw. I agree with every single thing you have said. My DH desires stability above all else. I desire emotional connections. While the two do not have to be mutually exclusive, for some reason my DH does not have the bandwidth to be both a great father and a husband who still desires and fosters an emotional connection. A year of couples therapy helped us in managing our lives better as a team, but only individual therapy will help him grow, and he is just not interested. On the inside, I cry a lot. But my kiddos keep me in it and we do have a good (great) family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:>>DH here. This is me. I love my wife, and I care about her, but I'm not in love with her.

I realize that for some of you this makes no sense, but we've been together for over half of our lives, and maybe there was a time when I felt this way, but the reality is, I'm not now, and haven't been for a very, very long time. We do all the couple things, we're always on the same page with the kids, finances, etc. Our marriage is a successful enterprise, but over time it's become painfully obvious how different we are. I don't miss her when she's gone. And sex? Obligatory, disconnected.

I want her to be happy, because she's a good person and deserves to be happy, so I do all of the things that have been said here that make the other DWs feel that their husbands are in love with them. All of these gestures - they're thoughtful, and loving, and they certainly are symptoms of a happy, healthy marriage, but for me, it's just going through the motions. Not because I don't love and care for her, but because I feel obligated to do what I need to do to sustain the marriage, to keep things "happy."

But inside I am dying (probably literally) for something more, to feel in love, and for me that's a genuine connection, a kind of emotional chemistry that is utterly absent from our relationship. I've felt this way for years, and every day is a struggle to try to feel happy, to want what I've got, but I don't, and I feel trapped, because when all's said and done, we've built a life together, and I can't bear to think of what it would mean for our family if I were to move on.

So every day is a struggle to come to terms with this. You make it work. Because that's what you do. Just make it work.<<

This is heartbreaking. Have you tried counseling? Does your wife know how you feel? Do you seriously think that being with someone who is dying inside & feeling trapped by your marriage is honestly the right thing to give to your life partner you seem to respect? I hope to God this isn't my husband posting. Gives me chills....

DH here -

What is it that I'm not giving her? Honesty? Authenticity? More than anything else, my wife values stability and security, and just plain getting shit done. So that's what I provide. I make her feel loved and protected. I support her in her career, and am emotionally available 24/7, for her and the children. The marriage endures, the children are bright and happy. Don't get me wrong, our life is far from perfect, but what I'm saying is I'm doing everything right, marriage-wise, but I'm not in love. I'm committed to the life we have built together, and especially the lives we have created together. This - the children - is why I suffer through. Because I know that if I were to ever leave it would change everything with them, and for me, that is a fate far worse than a lifetime of emotional disconnect.

And by the way, I'm hardly alone in feeling this way. Countless marriages like this exist, with one or both of the partners suffering through, not because of abuse, or neglect, or terrible dysfunction, but because you drift apart, or maybe you realize that there was never really much of a connection to begin with, and getting married was just what came next. So you try to find ways to feel okay about it, you cherish every moment with the children before they're gone. You try to look forward, but mostly you're just trying to figure out how make it work, to want what you've got for the rest of your life, because that's what you're supposed to do.

Np. This could be me...I am a dw. I agree with every single thing you have said. My DH desires stability above all else. I desire emotional connections. While the two do not have to be mutually exclusive, for some reason my DH does not have the bandwidth to be both a great father and a husband who still desires and fosters an emotional connection. A year of couples therapy helped us in managing our lives better as a team, but only individual therapy will help him grow, and he is just not interested. On the inside, I cry a lot. But my kiddos keep me in it and we do have a good (great) family life.

DH again -

So sorry, pp. I feel you. For me, it's just this gnawing pit in my stomach, this thing that hangs over me, that I try to ignore and pretend isn't there. And then I beat myself up for feeling this way. How dare you complain when you have so much? You know the grass isn't greener! Don't you know that people would kill for what you have? It's just you! You're doing it wrong! Work harder!

And yet I still feel so hollowed out and empty. I'm so raw, and I know that this feeling is everywhere, because even a conversation with a beautiful stranger in the grocery line, or another dw at dd's practice will occasionally turn ever so slightly intimate, and you can see it in their eyes. And you want to say, "I know. Me too." But you don't. So you pack up and go home and think about her for a while, and wonder about her life.

And then you get back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he do all types of shit for you and not expect anything in return? If he does, he's in love with you.

He's certainly hoping for stuff, just not expecting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he do all types of shit for you and not expect anything in return? If he does, he's in love with you.

Or perhaps he loves anal.

[Anonymous]

Are you the woman who, several years after your marriage, are resentful with your DH because after a few dates with your now-DH he went back to his old girlfriend and later when he came back to you you just couldn't get over the fact that he once loved someone else? if not, you sure do sound like her. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

OMFG with all these long quotes!! Takes half a page jeeezuz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:>>DH here. This is me. I love my wife, and I care about her, but I'm not in love with her.

I realize that for some of you this makes no sense, but we've been together for over half of our lives, and maybe there was a time when I felt this way, but the reality is, I'm not now, and haven't been for a very, very long time. We do all the couple things, we're always on the same page with the kids, finances, etc. Our marriage is a successful enterprise, but over time it's become painfully obvious how different we are. I don't miss her when she's gone. And sex? Obligatory, disconnected.

I want her to be happy, because she's a good person and deserves to be happy, so I do all of the things that have been said here that make the other DWs feel that their husbands are in love with them. All of these gestures - they're thoughtful, and loving, and they certainly are symptoms of a happy, healthy marriage, but for me, it's just going through the motions. Not because I don't love and care for her, but because I feel obligated to do what I need to do to sustain the marriage, to keep things "happy."

But inside I am dying (probably literally) for something more, to feel in love, and for me that's a genuine connection, a kind of emotional chemistry that is utterly absent from our relationship. I've felt this way for years, and every day is a struggle to try to feel happy, to want what I've got, but I don't, and I feel trapped, because when all's said and done, we've built a life together, and I can't bear to think of what it would mean for our family if I were to move on.

So every day is a struggle to come to terms with this. You make it work. Because that's what you do. Just make it work.<<

This is heartbreaking. Have you tried counseling? Does your wife know how you feel? Do you seriously think that being with someone who is dying inside & feeling trapped by your marriage is honestly the right thing to give to your life partner you seem to respect? I hope to God this isn't my husband posting. Gives me chills....

DH here -

What is it that I'm not giving her? Honesty? Authenticity? More than anything else, my wife values stability and security, and just plain getting shit done. So that's what I provide. I make her feel loved and protected. I support her in her career, and am emotionally available 24/7, for her and the children. The marriage endures, the children are bright and happy. Don't get me wrong, our life is far from perfect, but what I'm saying is I'm doing everything right, marriage-wise, but I'm not in love. I'm committed to the life we have built together, and especially the lives we have created together. This - the children - is why I suffer through. Because I know that if I were to ever leave it would change everything with them, and for me, that is a fate far worse than a lifetime of emotional disconnect.

And by the way, I'm hardly alone in feeling this way. Countless marriages like this exist, with one or both of the partners suffering through, not because of abuse, or neglect, or terrible dysfunction, but because you drift apart, or maybe you realize that there was never really much of a connection to begin with, and getting married was just what came next. So you try to find ways to feel okay about it, you cherish every moment with the children before they're gone. You try to look forward, but mostly you're just trying to figure out how make it work, to want what you've got for the rest of your life, because that's what you're supposed to do.

Np. This could be me...I am a dw. I agree with every single thing you have said. My DH desires stability above all else. I desire emotional connections. While the two do not have to be mutually exclusive, for some reason my DH does not have the bandwidth to be both a great father and a husband who still desires and fosters an emotional connection. A year of couples therapy helped us in managing our lives better as a team, but only individual therapy will help him grow, and he is just not interested. On the inside, I cry a lot. But my kiddos keep me in it and we do have a good (great) family life.

DH again -

So sorry, pp. I feel you. For me, it's just this gnawing pit in my stomach, this thing that hangs over me, that I try to ignore and pretend isn't there. And then I beat myself up for feeling this way. How dare you complain when you have so much? You know the grass isn't greener! Don't you know that people would kill for what you have? It's just you! You're doing it wrong! Work harder!

And yet I still feel so hollowed out and empty. I'm so raw, and I know that this feeling is everywhere, because even a conversation with a beautiful stranger in the grocery line, or another dw at dd's practice will occasionally turn ever so slightly intimate, and you can see it in their eyes. And you want to say, "I know. Me too." But you don't. So you pack up and go home and think about her for a while, and wonder about her life.

And then you get back to work.

Thanks for being honest, DH.
Just the same I hope you find a way to reconnect with DW some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read all these wonderful things that your husbands do for you, ladies, and it makes me glad that I'm divorcing mine and looking for one more like yours. (And no, I'm not after your husbands!) *grin*

Don't expect these wonderful things from many men. Some men are great and wonderful but they just don't do these grand romantic gestures.
I'd say maybe 5% of men do that kind of stuff?
I honestly had a BF like that with the whole putting me on a pedestal thing that he did and he wanted to marry me but I didn't love him. It was a bit unbalanced and also he coupled that with telling me what to do sometimes. No thanks.
I'm pleased with my not so romantic husband (he brings me pancakes in bed on Saturday mornings - that's enough) who is great to talk to and overall pretty nice, respectful and supportive. No grand gestures is fine - isn't that more common in the movies and not do much in real life?

[Anonymous]

To those of you who feel so emotionally disconnected with your spouses and feel like you are dying inside--

I am sorry to say this, but consider the possibility that the problem is you. That finding another, better person is not the answer, but rather that you will feel this way no matter who you are with unless you change yourself.

Seriously, consider therapy. And maybe medication. Feeling hollow and dead inside can be a symptom of depression. It may also be that you are repeating patterns you learned when you were very young in your family, and therapy is great for exploring that. Just because you long for emotional connection doesn't mean you aren't, at the same time, emotionally isolating yourself. I speak from experience here.

What's more, your spouse, who you assume is happy with the way things are, may also be secretly lonely and feel disconnected and unhappy but, like you, is keeping up appearances. You feel so lonely and it may be that there is another lonely person right there to connect with. You won't know unless you try.