Reply to Feel Like DH Abandoned Me

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm the OP.

I feel like DH could have been present more if he wanted to. He works from home and has more leave than he could ever use. His boss encouraged him to take time off. He declined. He splits custody 50/50 with his kids' mom. She offered to keep them on his scheduled weekends if needed. He declined. His grad school classes are online so it's not like he had to be somewhere at a specific time. It just seems like he could have been there more if it was important to him. Rationally I know that he didn't need to be there, there was nothing he could do, etc. My experience with family in the hospital is that you stay with them as much as you can but I get that everyone doesn't operate this way.

We don't have local family and my closest friends aren't here either so I was really dependent him. I felt incredibly guilty asking him to stay longer because I recognized that life was still going on even if I was stuck in the hospital. It was just a tough situation all around. I'm not angry at him now and I wasn't then.

Eventually I asked my mom to fly here and she did. When she arrived he checked out completely, which I guess also contributes to how I feel about the whole experience now. [/quote]

Me again.  I wanted to clarify that [b]I did not expect him to not prioritize his children first.[/b] I think DCUM is particularly hard on stepmoms. I completely understand that the kids were in his life before I was and [b]I don't expect him to ignore them because I needed him[/b].

Also the hospital is less than 15 minutes from home with free parking. The location/distance did not inhibit him from visiting. [/quote]

Actually, you DID expect him not to prioritize his children first.  You did expect him to ignore them.  You said that the kids' mom offered to keep them on HIS scheduled weekend, but he declined.  You seem like you think that was not the right thing to do -- otherwise, why raise it?  At least be honest with yourself (and others).  You expected him to give up time with his kids because YOU were sick, even though you were in the hospital where he could really add nothing in terms of your care except moral support, which it appears he already had been giving you for at least an hour a day.

You really need to think hard about how your future family looks and discuss this explicitly with your DH.  You should have done this before marriage and a baby, but it's never too late.  I have seen too many step moms go into their marriage thinking that they will have 100% of the attention of husband #2 and that the kids form the previous marriage will only be there 50% of the time and will just fit in with DH #2's family however the #2 mom wishes.  In reality, life doesn't go like this.  Your DH can't just give the kids back to his ex-wife for the weekend because something big is going on in his life with you.

My ex currently does this with his kids, and I can't tell you how painful it is to them.  Each time he gives up his scheduled visitation with them, they perceive it as he doesn't value his time with them and it doesn't reflect well on the new wife, who they perceive as being behind the diminished time their dad spends with them, because, of course, he never used to drop his visitation time with them until he got involved with her.  And, this is true even though my kids are in MS and HS and don't have a new sibling to contend with.  If their dad were to have a new baby, I would guess that not showing up for visitation would only make their insecurities worse.  I can spin it anyway I like (Dad's busy with work, Dad has an emergency, Dad has a special event, etc.) but they see it the same way YOU seem to see it -- he could have spent the time with me and he chose not to, so he really doesn't care.

That is a very "zero sum" or "the pie is only so big and a bigger slice for them means a smaller slice for me" way to look at it.  The only way to get out of that trap is either to understand that the size of the slice of pie you are getting is not reflective of your worth, or to grow the pie.  In the sense of "growing the pie," I have to ask, why did DH have to be at the hospital?  Couldn't you have combined telephone check-ins during the day with the hourly visit if you thought you needed more attention and support?  If you were bored, couldn't you have asked DH to bring specific things to entertain you?  Wouldn't that have reflected his care for you just as well? Also, why do you seem to view DH's presence with the kids and you as an either or choice? Did you encourage your DH to bring the kids to the hospital to visit?  Did you say, "gosh DH, I miss the kids too, maybe you can bring them with you after work one evening and we can all eat dinner together and play a board game?"  Or maybe the kids could have come and done an arts and crafts project with you in the hospital to while away the time on the weekend, or even watched TV or read a book to you if you were really sick.

It is an unreasonable expectation that your DH should have to forgo visitation time with his children, especially when he only sees them 50% of the time.  It's also an unreasonable expectation to view your husband's physical presence or lack thereof as an important measure of your worth to him.  I also don't think that it's a reasonable expectation that "you stay with family as much as you can in the hospital".  Are you American?  That seems like a very culturally-laden expectation.  I've seen it in other countries where it is necessary that family remain present to get good hospital care, but it is not my experience in the US. In fact, most hospitals have "visiting hours" and do not permit visitors at other times.

And as far as bringing your mom in, that basically sent the message to your DH that you needed more than what he was doing, so of course he would "check out".  I really can't imagine what you needed your mom to do that your DH was not doing?  Was your mom helping you with something in the hospital that nurses or other professionals weren't?  [/quote]

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