Mother Being Secretive about Will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are begrudging your stepfather money from a business that he has successfully helped run for 25 years? Stop it.

Apologize to your mom, and then leave it alone.

No, I am not begrudging him money.

The issue from my point of view is that he is not our dad.

If my mom leaves him her estate when she dies, it's very possible that he could remarry and not leave my brother or I anything at all later on. The thought of that is upsetting because I already feel a great deal of resentment about neglect due to her relationship with my stepdad, which i feel she prioritizes. My mom sent me to boarding school when I was 9 years old so that she could spend more time with my step dad. My step dad was not open to bringing my brother into the business, which would not have been true if it was his own child. However, he did lead him on about it for several years, during which my brother worked for the business with the hopes of being brought in in a more serious way. This is time he could have spent preparing for a different career.

As I said above, the issue is loaded with emotional baggage.

Well in your original post you said it was something you thought was very normal to ask, but clearly given the backstory you knew it wasn't.

If your mom sent you away at age 9 to spend more time with step father why in the world would you think she would prioritize you now over him?

Also you are assuming if your father lived he would have ran the business successfully and passed it along to your brother.
Neither of those things are guarantees, though I have much empathy for your loss and need to almost fantasize about your father and create such a wonderful image in your head of who he was and would have been. (I do that as well)

However the fact remains that your step father ran the business for 25 years and the successes are due largely to him and your mom.
It doesn't take away from what your father started, but business's fail all the time and this one didn't.

I get that, but, my mom runs the business just as much as my stepdad does. In fact, she is far more prudent. My step dad would objectively NOT have done as well without her.

I think most moms would want to make sure that their kids (or even skip over kids and go right to grandkids) got part of that hard work. If she leaves everything to him, someone who is not our dad then that's not really looking out for her own family. I'm prepared that it might happen. But I felt compelled to make my point in light of the fact that you seemed to assume that my stepdad was the brains of the operation.

you sound really immature.

[Anonymous]

In the words of Queen Elsa from Disney's "Frozen"...

Let it Go

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think it would be a normal thing to discuss, especially considering that my stepfather (whose entire livelihood comes from a business my father started) could easily remarry if my mom were to pass away.

OP, yes it is not unusual for some families to discuss this. It is also not unusual for some people to be more private and not want to discuss this. There is no "normal" when it comes to discussing money. What is not appropriate is potential heirs asking about their inheritance. It is the right of the person who holds the money to decide to discuss or not discuss the situation with their heirs without being nagged about it. Asking about an inheritance is rude and inappropriate. If your parent/relative offers the information freely, that's kind, but otherwise, you aren't entitled to that information.

Regarding the PP who mentioned her mother dying intestate, the issue here is not that your mother failed to discuss her estate with you, but that she was neglectful in taking care of her estate and planning. Had she drawn up a will or put her belongings into a trust, then there would not have been such difficulties for you. You would have just been executor of her will and taken care of things as she had planned. It was the fact that she didn't make any plans that was an issue, not whether or not she discussed it with you.

Likewise, for OP, the issue is not the actual will, property or inheritance, but her mother's lack of prior consideration for OP and her brother. What OP really wanted to discuss was whether her mother had made any allowances for her biological children in her estate, rather than the will and/or contents of the estate. After she sent her email, her mother responded with the information she wanted. But the original question was rude and inappropriate which is what her mother responded to. She was not willing to describe her assets, but was willing to convey that she would make allowances for her biological children. OP asked the wrong question, but ultimately got what she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think it would be a normal thing to discuss, especially considering that my stepfather (whose entire livelihood comes from a business my father started) could easily remarry if my mom were to pass away.

OP, yes it is not unusual for some families to discuss this. It is also not unusual for some people to be more private and not want to discuss this. There is no "normal" when it comes to discussing money. What is not appropriate is potential heirs asking about their inheritance. It is the right of the person who holds the money to decide to discuss or not discuss the situation with their heirs without being nagged about it. Asking about an inheritance is rude and inappropriate. If your parent/relative offers the information freely, that's kind, but otherwise, you aren't entitled to that information.

Regarding the PP who mentioned her mother dying intestate, the issue here is not that your mother failed to discuss her estate with you, but that she was neglectful in taking care of her estate and planning. Had she drawn up a will or put her belongings into a trust, then there would not have been such difficulties for you. You would have just been executor of her will and taken care of things as she had planned. It was the fact that she didn't make any plans that was an issue, not whether or not she discussed it with you.

Likewise, for OP, the issue is not the actual will, property or inheritance, but her mother's lack of prior consideration for OP and her brother. What OP really wanted to discuss was whether her mother had made any allowances for her biological children in her estate, rather than the will and/or contents of the estate. After she sent her email, her mother responded with the information she wanted. But the original question was rude and inappropriate which is what her mother responded to. She was not willing to describe her assets, but was willing to convey that she would make allowances for her biological children. OP asked the wrong question, but ultimately got what she wanted.

OP here. I didn't ask her any questions about her assets. I just asked if she was including my brother and I directly in her will. I don't agree that it's not appropriate to ask a parent this question. She could always say she didn't want to tell me and that it's none of my business. But that's not what she did, she huffed and hung up on me.

Anyway, we are fine now. We had a few exchanges, including additional conversation about her wishes later in life. It's too early to discuss every detail of that, but I'm glad to know she is open to having open discussions about how she wants her later years to look in various situations so that I can participate accordingly. I was expecting her to be more belligerent about that conversation.

If I had to guess, I think she hung up on me because my stepdad was in the room without my having realized it during our first phone conversation. But that's just a guess.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for you OP.

I know you wanted to vent a little and get a little feedback. Sadly, this isn't the best place for that. The stupidity and general lack of reading comprehension on these threads is astounding.
Your mother has a lot to answer for, but you are unlikely to get those answers.

[Anonymous]

When my sister died, she left behind a husband and 2 kids, and a $500K life insurance policy. You'd think that would mean my nieces would be taken care of in terms of education, but no. He was dating within 3 months, spent 30K on a ring, 100K on a wedding shortly thereafter, and on who knows what else to make his new bride happy. There are no college funds for the girls and there will be nothing for them when he dies.

Moral of the story, you can only trust your husband until you die and new pussy comes along. Sad but true. Go visit a lawyer and lock your shit up ladies, if you care about your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my sister died, she left behind a husband and 2 kids, and a $500K life insurance policy. You'd think that would mean my nieces would be taken care of in terms of education, but no. He was dating within 3 months, spent 30K on a ring, 100K on a wedding shortly thereafter, and on who knows what else to make his new bride happy. There are no college funds for the girls and there will be nothing for them when he dies.

Moral of the story, you can only trust your husband until you die and new pussy comes along. Sad but true. Go visit a lawyer and lock your shit up ladies, if you care about your kids.

Ugh, I'm pissed just reading that and I don't know any of the people involved. Would it have been different if she had put the kids names as benefactors? Or a trust? How does that work to guarantee the funds are used appropriately?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my sister died, she left behind a husband and 2 kids, and a $500K life insurance policy. You'd think that would mean my nieces would be taken care of in terms of education, but no. He was dating within 3 months, spent 30K on a ring, 100K on a wedding shortly thereafter, and on who knows what else to make his new bride happy. There are no college funds for the girls and there will be nothing for them when he dies.

Moral of the story, you can only trust your husband until you die and new pussy comes along. Sad but true. Go visit a lawyer and lock your shit up ladies, if you care about your kids.

OMG, that is vile! Wow. Unbelievable. And this man did this to his OWN KIDS. Puke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for you OP.

I know you wanted to vent a little and get a little feedback. Sadly, this isn't the best place for that. The stupidity and general lack of reading comprehension on these threads is astounding.
Your mother has a lot to answer for, but you are unlikely to get those answers.

Thanks for that. I was expecting some nasty replies, so it's ok. Even those gave me some information. I just wanted to gage how people feel about this kind of thing in general. It actually helped me because it helped me see that it's common not to be super open with your family about finances. That helped me feel less upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have altruistic motives. I would strive to get my kids set up in life, and I think my mother should do the same.

I just accept that her behavior is not my choice, and that acceptance is what I'm emphasizing.

It just strikes some of us as strange, OP. I strive to get my son set up in life, but that has little to do with money. I wasn't left money and I have no intention of leaving him money. But I will leave him with the certainty that he is treasured and valued and with all that I an do to instll in him a sense of his own competence, along with curiosity, compassion, empathy, and caring.

it seems like your mom failed you emotionally but you're looking to this money as some kind of recompense, and it's not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I didn't read all 5 pages so I'm sure that I missed some things but will give you my answer without being nasty.

I think it's appropriate to ask your 60-something parent if they have a will with executor and medical power of attorney. If it's you, then you don't want to be surprised when the situation arises. I asked my own mother this question last year, and the answer was yes she and my dad both have all the paperwork in place and they have named my brother as executor and power-of-attorney primarily because he lives closer than I do. Now, are there other family dynamics at play? Of course there are in my family, but they aren't relevant. The important thing is knowing that they've taken the steps necessary to get their affairs in order, whatever those affairs might look like.

Where I think you went wrong was in asking about the contents of the will. I personally don't think that the details are the business of anyone but the person whose will it is, unless they feel that there's something others would want or need to know in order to do advance planning for some reason. Partly, that's because money does weird things to people. And, partly, because you can change a will at any time so even if she'd given you the answer you wanted, there's nothing to say that she won't have changed it by the time she actually passes away. This happened in my own family. When my grandmother died, my grandfather's will was going to leave everything evenly divided among his children, one of whom was executor. Within two years he'd met another woman, and by the time he died 3yrs after that she had convinced him to re-write the will making her own son the executor and leaving everything to her. So much pain in our family, and most of it wasn't about money (of which there wasn't much), but about our family sentimental heirlooms.

Good luck moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have altruistic motives. I would strive to get my kids set up in life, and I think my mother should do the same.

I just accept that her behavior is not my choice, and that acceptance is what I'm emphasizing.

It just strikes some of us as strange, OP. I strive to get my son set up in life, but that has little to do with money. I wasn't left money and I have no intention of leaving him money. But I will leave him with the certainty that he is treasured and valued and with all that I an do to instll in him a sense of his own competence, along with curiosity, compassion, empathy, and caring.

it seems like your mom failed you emotionally but you're looking to this money as some kind of recompense, and it's not.

With all due respect, that is idealistic and naive to the point of approaching outright stupidity. Of course getting set up in life involves money.

You get to decide what to do with your own money, that's up to you. But it's up to your son to decide if he thinks you fairly balanced your own needs/desires and his long-term well being.