Mother Being Secretive about Will

[Anonymous]

Update for anyone who is interested:

I wrote my mom an email saying that I regretted asking the question (I didn't apologize because I'm not sorry - in my opinion an ideal family is transparent and not weird about it) and telling her I wouldn't ask again. I wasn't rude or passive aggressive in the email.

She wrote back with a long reply explaining her position and a rough sketch of her plans, which seem reasonable. It made me feel good to know my brother and I are a consideration because I have often felt that is not the case.

I was grateful and surprised that she was willing to have a frank discussion. I think maybe email made it easier.

[Anonymous]

So what are the plans? Is she leaving the business to the stepdad?
Does your brother work for the business now?

[Anonymous]

I'm assuming there's a lot you're not telling us about your relationship with your mother.

My parents are as secretive as it gets when it comes to money and inheritance, but when I attempt to broach the subject, they don't get offended - the necessary information just doesn't get transmitted

I think you were perfectly within your rights to ask. Anyone can ask a question! I don't understand why your mother had to get huffy about it, but then I don't know the backstory...

[Anonymous]

Oops, didn't see your update... glad to see your mother became more reasonable!

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm glad you were able to have a frank conversation with your mom about her plans. My mom just died intestate, and even though I am her sole survivor and heir, the paperwork and decisions have been a total nightmare! My mom refused to even discuss this stuff (and did nothing to prepare), and now I'm having to make all these very intimate decisions without any guidance. Doing the best I can, but I am often furious at mom for being so ridiculous and leaving this mess for me to clean up.

So, even is she chooses to leave everything to your step-dad, I think she owes it to you to tell you what her plans are. You don't get to argue about what she wants, but you do have a right to know.

[Anonymous]

They will be selling the business in the next couple of years because my mom is retiring and my stepdad actually hates it and looks forward to the next chapter of his life. He has another business that he'll be focusing on once they sell the first one. (I knew these things).

My mom explained to me that although she has long term care insurance, it's possible that she'll have to spend some of her money in her retirement and also that she might want to enjoy it recreationally, naturally, having worked hard her whole life.

She also explained what everyone (including the posters here) already knew which is that my stepdad has been instrumental in their business success.

She reassured me that my brother and I are directly in her will but the exact dollar amount is yet to be determined due to unforeseeable market changes and end of life circumstances.

This satisfies me because I really just wanted to know that she was thinking about us considering that he is not our real dad.

The last thing I'll add is that the fact that this was originally my father's business is relevant to an extent, but not very much. This would be on my mind even if she had started the business with my stepdad.

I actually care fo my stepdad and think he's a good person, but he has shown my brother and I over the years that he doesn't think of us as real progeny. We are not his legacy, and he doesn't have an attachment to us that way. This is why, in my view, he has cared more about his own gratification than making sacrifices to get my brother set up in the family business, as an example.

I don't blame him for that. But it's just a reality that I'd feel better knowing my mother was realistic about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm glad you were able to have a frank conversation with your mom about her plans. My mom just died intestate, and even though I am her sole survivor and heir, the paperwork and decisions have been a total nightmare! My mom refused to even discuss this stuff (and did nothing to prepare), and now I'm having to make all these very intimate decisions without any guidance. Doing the best I can, but I am often furious at mom for being so ridiculous and leaving this mess for me to clean up.

So, even is she chooses to leave everything to your step-dad, I think she owes it to you to tell you what her plans are. You don't get to argue about what she wants, but you do have a right to know.

Yes, this. I am helping a recently widowed friend sort out her husband's affairs and it would have been so much easier for her if she knew exactly what he wanted to have happened. His beneficiaries don't match up with his will, will is outdated, etc and it is so painful on top of her loss. I have asked both of my parents to at least provide my brother and I with a copy of their wills and instructions so we can respect their wishes.

[Anonymous]

OP here again: For some reason the "reply" button disappeared on me, but I wanted to tell the PP that I am sorry for your loss. That sounds very hard. Although it sounds like a crazy burden, I am happy for you in that she trusted you to handle some of these decisions. Maybe I am looking through rose colored glasses but I hope that implies closeness and love.

[Anonymous]

OP, the issue it seems to be isn't the will. It's the after effect of your father's death, your mother's remarriage and her decision to sort of check out of parenting and send y'all to boarding school so she could focus on her new marriage. I see sirens there, OP. I am happy you had a civil conversation, but you will never, ever have an open honest relationship with your mother unless those issues are dealt with. Now, everything carries such a subtext.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm on your side. You are not asking for anything but clarity regarding a very important issue. I can sympathize. My mother is a very reasonable and realistic person. My dad--not so much. Neither was his mom, my grandmother, who first gave my mother her will, then stole it from her purse just before my parents left the house. Ah, family...

No words of wisdom, I just don't think there is anything that can be done. My father would rather accuse me of everything under the sun before discussing his affairs for the sake of his only daughter and his only grandchild. Oh well. The fact that his possessions are minimal makes it completely ridiculous. But he is a mentally sick man incapable of caring about anybody, so there's that.

[Anonymous]

Methinks thou doth protest too much 93rd your altruistic motives. It is none of your business and you sound greedy.

[Anonymous]

I don't have altruistic motives. I would strive to get my kids set up in life, and I think my mother should do the same.

I just accept that her behavior is not my choice, and that acceptance is what I'm emphasizing.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about money, this is about neglect. You are still very upset about the decision she made when she married that man. And you hate this man simply cause your mother have always prefer him over the kids. But, you are actually upset at her not him. She knows you never liked this step dad.
What will be left to you and your brother may not solve this deep rooted issue. But, its the only tangible thing that may give you a sense of love, and acceptance, that perhaps, finally, if she can't fixed that part, she can at least leave something for you that was the father's.

And perhaps, you envy the stepdad's closed relationship in his family. Note that its this man that help your mom keep the business alive and bring her back to life after losing her husband. In honesty, you don't know how your mom felt after losing her husband. Maybe the kids reminded her of the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Ok, maybe this is how a lot of people feel (the sentiment of the responses so far).

My DH's family, as one example, is very different. Everything is transparent, and they feel like more of a family, from my point of view. The family is more of a unit and less of people keeping score.

My mom, for the record, is similarly separatist with her siblings, which I also find off-putting.

I will handle this issue very differently with my own kids.

In any case, since it's so sensitive to her, I'll just steer clear of the topic from now on.

Good idea, OP. I believe you that you don't really care about what she does with her money but it's clear that she feels you bringing it up is intrusive. You are better off accepting the things you cannot change.

[Anonymous]

It's up to your mother to decide if she wants to be transparent about it or not. What you think an ideal family should be is irrelevant in this case. You can do the ideal family thing once it's time for you to decide about who will inherit whatever you have to pass on.