Mother Being Secretive about Will

[Anonymous]

Please be kind in your replies because I am fragile when it comes to my mom.

Here is the story:

My mother is turning 65 this year. She has been married for 25 years to a man 15 years her junior. They married a few years after my father died. Together they run a very profitable business which was left to my mom by my father when he died 30 years ago.

Lately, she has been talking about her post-retirement plans, and has mentioned several times over the past few months that she needs to find an estate attorney.

Today, she brought it up again, and I asked a sensitive question that I knew might ruffle her feathers. Asking was perhaps not my best judgement, but I was curious.

I asked her if she was planning on leaving everything to my stepfather or if she was planning on dividing her estate between my brother and I and skip over my step dad or some combination of the two. I prefaced my question very clearly by saying that I wouldn't have an issue with however she plans to handle her affairs. I am married and have been living independently for many years.

Her reaction was to get defensive and weird and grumpy. She told me that she is not denying herself anything in her old age so that other people can get some of her stuff. (By the way, I couldn't care less if that is what ends up happening). She actually ended up hanging up on me.

I am angry that she refuses to partake in a frank, transparent conversation. I am angry that she has an attitude that I am trying to get something out of her when I haven't asked her for financial help since I was in my early 20's.

I think it would be a normal thing to discuss, especially considering that my stepfather (whose entire livelihood comes from a business my father started) could easily remarry if my mom were to pass away.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciative. Was my asking this question completely out of line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please be kind in your replies because I am fragile when it comes to my mom.

Here is the story:

My mother is turning 65 this year. She has been married for 25 years to a man 15 years her junior. They married a few years after my father died. Together they run a very profitable business which was left to my mom by my father when he died 30 years ago.

Lately, she has been talking about her post-retirement plans, and has mentioned several times over the past few months that she needs to find an estate attorney.

Today, she brought it up again, and I asked a sensitive question that I knew might ruffle her feathers. Asking was perhaps not my best judgement, but I was curious.

I asked her if she was planning on leaving everything to my stepfather or if she was planning on dividing her estate between my brother and I and skip over my step dad or some combination of the two. I prefaced my question very clearly by saying that I wouldn't have an issue with however she plans to handle her affairs. I am married and have been living independently for many years.

Her reaction was to get defensive and weird and grumpy. She told me that she is not denying herself anything in her old age so that other people can get some of her stuff. (By the way, I couldn't care less if that is what ends up happening). She actually ended up hanging up on me.

I am angry that she refuses to partake in a frank, transparent conversation. I am angry that she has an attitude that I am trying to get something out of her when I haven't asked her for financial help since I was in my early 20's.

I think it would be a normal thing to discuss, especially considering that my stepfather (whose entire livelihood comes from a business my father started) could easily remarry if my mom were to pass away.

Any thoughts on this would be appreciative. Was my asking this question completely out of line?

*any thoughts would be appreciated. - OP

[Anonymous]

Your mother sounds very smart to not discuss the will with you.

[Anonymous]

It was very wrong of you to ask. What your mother does with her money upon her death is up to her. She doesn't need to discuss it with anyone but her attorney.

[Anonymous]

my thoughts (and my working class family has no money so it is easy perhaps for me to say) - mind your own business. never count someone else's money and never assume ANY of it is owed to you. if my parents suddenly leave me some money or property, i'll be surprised and grateful. but I would never ask them while still alive. let them figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I would add this.

A decade ago, a friend's mother died. She had circumstances very similar to your mother's. She had remarried after being widowed. The second husband was younger and successful.

The mother and stepfather ran a very popular restaurant until the stepfather's adult children took over. Then the mother and stepfather went traveling for roughly five years. The mother developed BC and returned to the US for treatment. She didn't respond and soon died.

Before her mother died, my friend's husband pressured her to ask what was going to happen to the first estate: a small rented out house and some money left from the first husband. It was known to be modest, but he wanted to make sure that it didn't go to the stepfather.

So as my friend's mother was dying, she was asking her about the will. The mother shushed her out of the hospice room and called her attorney. She died a couple days later still not speaking to her daughter.

When the will was read, my friend learned that the mother and stepfather had originally intended to split both estates among the 4 adult children (my friend and her stepsiblings). instead, my friend inherited her biological parents' modest estate and would get nothing at all from the stepfather's much larger one.

It put a crack in the my friend's marriage that has never healed.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to know this information. You'll find out when she dies. Don't bring it up with her or in front of her again.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

Ok, maybe this is how a lot of people feel (the sentiment of the responses so far).

My DH's family, as one example, is very different. Everything is transparent, and they feel like more of a family, from my point of view. The family is more of a unit and less of people keeping score.

My mom, for the record, is similarly separatist with her siblings, which I also find off-putting.

I will handle this issue very differently with my own kids.

In any case, since it's so sensitive to her, I'll just steer clear of the topic from now on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your impulse, especially since it was a business started by your father. However, it was your father's choice to leave it entirely to his wife and not have a provision for you and your brother.
Is it the principle or do you need the money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would add this.

A decade ago, a friend's mother died. She had circumstances very similar to your mother's. She had remarried after being widowed. The second husband was younger and successful.

The mother and stepfather ran a very popular restaurant until the stepfather's adult children took over. Then the mother and stepfather went traveling for roughly five years. The mother developed BC and returned to the US for treatment. She didn't respond and soon died.

Before her mother died, my friend's husband pressured her to ask what was going to happen to the first estate: a small rented out house and some money left from the first husband. It was known to be modest, but he wanted to make sure that it didn't go to the stepfather.

So as my friend's mother was dying, she was asking her about the will. The mother shushed her out of the hospice room and called her attorney. She died a couple days later still not speaking to her daughter.

When the will was read, my friend learned that the mother and stepfather had originally intended to split both estates among the 4 adult children (my friend and her stepsiblings). instead, my friend inherited her biological parents' modest estate and would get nothing at all from the stepfather's much larger one.

It put a crack in the my friend's marriage that has never healed.

OP again: That's an interesting response from the mother. I wonder what their relationship was like before that happened.

In any case, the topic of money is obviously a very loaded one. In my case, there is a lot of family baggage contributing to why this devolved into an argument. Money is not the core issue, it's really just a symbol.

[Anonymous]

Presume you're getting nothing and be pleasantly surprised if you get something later.

[Anonymous]

So you are begrudging your stepfather money from a business that he has successfully helped run for 25 years? Stop it.

Apologize to your mom, and then leave it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Ok, maybe this is how a lot of people feel (the sentiment of the responses so far).

My DH's family, as one example, is very different. Everything is transparent, and they feel like more of a family, from my point of view. The family is more of a unit and less of people keeping score.

My mom, for the record, is similarly separatist with her siblings, which I also find off-putting.

I will handle this issue very differently with my own kids.

In any case, since it's so sensitive to her, I'll just steer clear of the topic from now on.

OP, my family is like your dh's. Everything with my dad's money was transparent. I knew how much he had, how the will was set up, how everything should be split. We also had good boundaries with money. In my family, your question would have made sense and not ruffled any feathers.

My dh's family is dysfunctional. We don't know how much money his mother has. She inappropriately distributed assets early, then needed to ask for them back. It's honestly quite messy. There are secrets, and poor boundaries. It's been a revelation to observe, and frankly, judging by the responses here, not that uncommon either. I think your question was fine, but clearly your mom has issues around money, and I agree it's probably best to just stay clear of the topic.

[Anonymous]

I'm very sorry that your father didn't protect you/(your siblings?) more when he passed. But that being said, everything is now your mother's and it is completely her own business.

I'd never ask about it again. Don't have any plans/expectations for this money. It's great that you've been standing on your own since your 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are begrudging your stepfather money from a business that he has successfully helped run for 25 years? Stop it.

Apologize to your mom, and then leave it alone.

No, I am not begrudging him money.

The issue from my point of view is that he is not our dad.

If my mom leaves him her estate when she dies, it's very possible that he could remarry and not leave my brother or I anything at all later on. The thought of that is upsetting because I already feel a great deal of resentment about neglect due to her relationship with my stepdad, which i feel she prioritizes. My mom sent me to boarding school when I was 9 years old so that she could spend more time with my step dad. My step dad was not open to bringing my brother into the business, which would not have been true if it was his own child. However, he did lead him on about it for several years, during which my brother worked for the business with the hopes of being brought in in a more serious way. This is time he could have spent preparing for a different career.

As I said above, the issue is loaded with emotional baggage.