Should I tell his wife that he's cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your situation about 9 months ago. I know how you feel. I know it's hard, but the PP who said to "ghost him" is 100% right. I didn't and things really blew up in my face. Please learn from my mistakes.

Completely ghost him.
In 6 months, if you still feel the need to tell his wife, DON'T tell her about YOU. You say he is probably cheating with someone else now too (and I will bet you are right!) so see if you can find out about that and tell her about THAT.
How could she have discovered about the two of you? Did you communicate through phone/texts? Tell her to check the phone bills. Did you often meet in a certain place? Tell her to check there. Give her evidence (not YOUR texts/emails) that people know intimate details about her husband---if he has a birthmark or scar in an intimate place, details about the bedroom that someone would only know if they've been in there, does he prefer a certain brand/type of underwear that is distinctive (that was the case in my situation), etc. But make sure this info does not lead to YOU specifically.

You want her to find out about the other women--not YOU. She can make your life hell--are you married? She could tell your husband. If not, she could tell your parents, your co-workers, etc. and just make everyone else in your life lose respect for you.

PP you are very cowardly. You are angry that the wife told the truth about you. She did not make your life hell, YOU did by sleeping with a married man. At least be honest with what you are advising OP to do. You are telling her to end the situation in a way that avoids as many of the consequences of her bad behavior as possible.

This is just a perpetuation of the immaturity of the AP. The core of an affair is a self delusion that what you are doing will remain secret and doesn't affect or hurt anyone else. Ending things in this way is just more of the same behavior. If OP wants to grow as a person and leave behind the behavior patterns that got her into this mess (and maybe she doesn't), she will be honest with the wife and take her lumps.

Speaking as a cheated upon wife, the only good part of your advice is to end the relationship and wait some period of time before telljng, and point the wife where she can see evidence for herself - texts, email, credit card bills, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was in your situation about 9 months ago. I know how you feel. I know it's hard, but the PP who said to "ghost him" is 100% right. I didn't and things really blew up in my face. Please learn from my mistakes.

Completely ghost him.
In 6 months, if you still feel the need to tell his wife, DON'T tell her about YOU. You say he is probably cheating with someone else now too (and I will bet you are right!) so see if you can find out about that and tell her about THAT.
How could she have discovered about the two of you? Did you communicate through phone/texts? Tell her to check the phone bills. Did you often meet in a certain place? Tell her to check there. Give her evidence (not YOUR texts/emails) that people know intimate details about her husband---if he has a birthmark or scar in an intimate place, details about the bedroom that someone would only know if they've been in there, does he prefer a certain brand/type of underwear that is distinctive (that was the case in my situation), etc. But make sure this info does not lead to YOU specifically.

You want her to find out about the other women--not YOU. She can make your life hell--are you married? She could tell your husband. If not, she could tell your parents, your co-workers, etc. and just make everyone else in your life lose respect for you.

PP you are very cowardly. You are angry that the wife told the truth about you. She did not make your life hell, YOU did by sleeping with a married man. At least be honest with what you are advising OP to do. You are telling her to end the situation in a way that avoids as many of the consequences of her bad behavior as possible.

This is just a perpetuation of the immaturity of the AP. The core of an affair is a self delusion that what you are doing will remain secret and doesn't affect or hurt anyone else. Ending things in this way is just more of the same behavior. If OP wants to grow as a person and leave behind the behavior patterns that got her into this mess (and maybe she doesn't), she will be honest with the wife and take her lumps.

Speaking as a cheated upon wife, the only good part of your advice is to end the relationship and wait some period of time before telljng, and point the wife where she can see evidence for herself - texts, email, credit card bills, etc.

I disagree. My wife got an email from a woman who said she was my AP (not true in any way.) This woman even said she had proof. My wife, bless her, did not believe her and made it a mission to make this woman's life hell, as was mentioned by someone else above. I think the best thing to do OP is to walk away and heal yourself.

[Anonymous]

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Watch out you cheating whore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if it's a crisis of conscience as much as I suddenly realized he'd been lying to me. I was reading here actually a post where a woman said her husband had told his OW they never had sex when in fact they were having sex 3 to 5 times a week.

That made me think about him and I started to realize he could have been lying to me about sexlessness in order to sleep with me. I thought she didn't like sex so in my mind - I know it's twisted - but I felt like I wasn't doing something very wrong to her if I was just doing something with him that she didn't want to do anyway.

But I've caught him in lies before, I know he lies a lot, and that post just made me think about the times he's talked about their sex life and how he could have been following my lead in what to say.

I believe I am the other thread poster you are talking about (with the husband sleeping with me 3-5 times a week). I don't know how I feel about this. On the one hand, I guess it's good that something is getting through to you, but on the other hand you still seem to be lacking empathy. When you are writing about this, it seems all about you and how he lied to you. But what about what BOTH of you have done to his wife? I know I was painted as someone who gave no love (sex or otherwise) to my husband, and we actually were in counseling during some of the affair (which he said he never told his mistress), but I am not a monster and I was not who he portrayed me as to this other woman. Of course he didn't highlight his flaws to her or how he might have contributed to the problems in our relationship.

My takeaway is that I think you should think long and hard about your part in this. Even if his wife is not sleeping with him, or isn't the most emotionally demonstrative person, that doesn't mean she deserves this. She does not. Nobody does. The pain I have endured from my husband's affair is very, very deep and I don't think I will ever get over it. I blame my husband, sure, but I also think the other woman has blame too and I never did anything to her to warrant such horrible treatment. I am not trying to pile on to you, but I really think you should seriously consider therapy to figure out why you thought this was okay until you realized he lies to you too. Break the cycle of hurting people. Go figure out what it is in you that could allow you to go down this path. Honestly, you should be having a crisis of conscience. But it's fixable if you cease the affair and work on yourself so that you don't do these types of things again.

As far as whether I would want to know, I would. Definitely.