Reply to Should I tell his wife that he's cheating?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't know if it's a crisis of conscience as much as I suddenly realized he'd been lying to me. I was reading here actually a post where a woman said her husband had told his OW they never had sex when in fact they were having sex 3 to 5 times a week.

That made me think about him and I started to realize he could have been lying to me about sexlessness in order to sleep with me. I thought she didn't like sex so in my mind - I know it's twisted - but I felt like I wasn't doing something very wrong to her if I was just doing something with him that she didn't want to do anyway.

But I've caught him in lies before, I know he lies a lot, and that post just made me think about the times he's talked about their sex life and how he could have been following my lead in what to say. [/quote]

I believe I am the other thread poster you are talking about (with the husband sleeping with me 3-5 times a week).  I don't know how I feel about this.  On the one hand, I guess it's good that something is getting through to you, but on the other hand you still seem to be lacking empathy.  When you are writing about this, it seems all about you and how he lied to you.  But what about what BOTH of you have done to his wife?  I know I was painted as someone who gave no love (sex or otherwise) to my husband, and we actually were in counseling during some of the affair (which he said he never told his mistress), but I am not a monster and I was not who he portrayed me as to this other woman.  Of course he didn't highlight his flaws to her or how he might have contributed to the problems in our relationship.

My takeaway is that I think you should think long and hard about your part in this.  Even if his wife is not sleeping with him, or isn't the most emotionally demonstrative person, that doesn't mean she deserves this.  She does not.  Nobody does.  The pain I have endured from my husband's affair is very, very deep and I don't think I will ever get over it.  I blame my husband, sure, but I also think the other woman has blame too and I never did anything to her to warrant such horrible treatment.  I am not trying to pile on to you, but I really think you should seriously consider therapy to figure out why you thought this was okay until you realized he lies to you too.  Break the cycle of hurting people.  Go figure out what it is in you that could allow you to go down this path.  Honestly, you should be having a crisis of conscience.  But it's fixable if you cease the affair and work on yourself so that you don't do these types of things again.

As far as whether I would want to know, I would.  Definitely.  [/quote]

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