Should I tell his wife that he's cheating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I caught my H a week ago.

I know others knew and did not tell me. I wish somebody had the courage to tell me.

I told the H of the OW.

I sent and email that simple said our spouses were having an affair and I was sorry to tell him and I was sorry if he didn't want to know but I would want to know.

He did not respond, but obviously received the message.

His wife may have deleted the email. Resend.

I know her. He kicked her out. She is living with one of our friends. I don't want him to respond. This is not a drama situation. Our families need to start healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I really don't think I'd believe you. Maybe if I was already suspicious, but I'm sitting here imagining getting an anonymous phone call right now that DH was cheating, and it would be so unexpected that I'd probably write the person off as a nut.

I think you should keep quiet and just end the relationship. But, if you do tell, don't do so anonymously.

Would you call them a nut if they produced photos, emails, texts, chats, and hotel receipts? I doubt the OW would call without sufficient backup as not to look crazy.

Op here. There's no way I could call her, I'd start crying or chicken out and hang up. It would have to be email. But the things I could tell her so she'd know it was true are just so hurtful. I was with him in her house. I've been there while he spoke to her on the phone. Looking back now at the things I've done, it's creepy and disgusting. It's hard to imagine admitting it to her, to anyone really except my therapist. It's hard writing about it here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I really don't think I'd believe you. Maybe if I was already suspicious, but I'm sitting here imagining getting an anonymous phone call right now that DH was cheating, and it would be so unexpected that I'd probably write the person off as a nut.

I think you should keep quiet and just end the relationship. But, if you do tell, don't do so anonymously.

Would you call them a nut if they produced photos, emails, texts, chats, and hotel receipts? I doubt the OW would call without sufficient backup as not to look crazy.

Op here. There's no way I could call her, I'd start crying or chicken out and hang up. It would have to be email. But the things I could tell her so she'd know it was true are just so hurtful. I was with him in her house. I've been there while he spoke to her on the phone. Looking back now at the things I've done, it's creepy and disgusting. It's hard to imagine admitting it to her, to anyone really except my therapist. It's hard writing about it here.

"You were in their house" -- blah, blah -- who cares??? Move on and leave this family alone. Your sound crazy and if you contact the wife, it will just make her H glad he dumped you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know, I really don't think I'd believe you. Maybe if I was already suspicious, but I'm sitting here imagining getting an anonymous phone call right now that DH was cheating, and it would be so unexpected that I'd probably write the person off as a nut.

I think you should keep quiet and just end the relationship. But, if you do tell, don't do so anonymously.

Would you call them a nut if they produced photos, emails, texts, chats, and hotel receipts? I doubt the OW would call without sufficient backup as not to look crazy.

Op here. There's no way I could call her, I'd start crying or chicken out and hang up. It would have to be email. But the things I could tell her so she'd know it was true are just so hurtful. I was with him in her house. I've been there while he spoke to her on the phone. Looking back now at the things I've done, it's creepy and disgusting. It's hard to imagine admitting it to her, to anyone really except my therapist. It's hard writing about it here.

I would likely not give the wife all of those details OP. Your goal isnt to prove yourself, it's to put her on alert. Either she will heed your warning or she won't, but it's not your job to make her.

[Anonymous]

FFS don't tell her. You do not give a fuck about her, so leave her be.

[Anonymous]

In all honesty, I would want to know.

I can see how some people would love to turn a blind eye to the issue, and even some would not want to know about it....But I like things to be straight forward so even an anonymous email from someone would allow me a head's up to the fact that my husband is being untrue to me.

[Anonymous]

Op here. There's no way I could call her, I'd start crying or chicken out and hang up. It would have to be email. But the things I could tell her so she'd know it was true are just so hurtful. I was with him in her house. I've been there while he spoke to her on the phone. Looking back now at the things I've done, it's creepy and disgusting. It's hard to imagine admitting it to her, to anyone really except my therapist. It's hard writing about it here.

Leave her alone, dump her husband, and focus on dealing with your own issues.

[Anonymous]

Of course the wife would want & need to know! Wouldn't you? To the posters who are saying don't tell - would they prefer to live a lie and be clueless just so they don't feel upset? I don't get that, you are saying it's better to be ignorant about who you are married to than upset?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op here. There's no way I could call her, I'd start crying or chicken out and hang up. It would have to be email. But the things I could tell her so she'd know it was true are just so hurtful. I was with him in her house. I've been there while he spoke to her on the phone. Looking back now at the things I've done, it's creepy and disgusting. It's hard to imagine admitting it to her, to anyone really except my therapist. It's hard writing about it here.

Leave her alone, dump her husband, and focus on dealing with your own issues.

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

I can see how some people would love to turn a blind eye to the issue, and even some would not want to know about it....But I like things to be straight forward so even an anonymous email from someone would allow me a head's up to the fact that my husband is being untrue to me.

I don't really think that is the issue. While the wife may prefer to know, OP is not the person who should be telling her. Instead, she should be getting herself disentangled from this man, his wife, and the situation, and moving on.

[Anonymous]

I have been cheated on and would want to know. I saw signs, but ignored them until I accidentally found proof that I could not dismiss. I can't imagine living a lie and blaming myself for all of the problems in the marriage forever (e.g., he was being distant and kind of mean, so I blamed myself and tried extra hard to be loving, thinking it was all my fault - it's such a mind game).

I would probably have been totally shocked to hear it from the other woman, and I probably would have needed proof like emails or something like that.

I don't know if you suddenly developed some crisis of conscience. Have you ended things? You are 1/2 to blame for this affair, which likely will crush the wife. And many of the bad things he told you about her are likely wrong. You should work on yourself to make sure you don't get into another situation like this, both for yourself and for the people who are hurt badly.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it's a crisis of conscience as much as I suddenly realized he'd been lying to me. I was reading here actually a post where a woman said her husband had told his OW they never had sex when in fact they were having sex 3 to 5 times a week.

That made me think about him and I started to realize he could have been lying to me about sexlessness in order to sleep with me. I thought she didn't like sex so in my mind - I know it's twisted - but I felt like I wasn't doing something very wrong to her if I was just doing something with him that she didn't want to do anyway.

But I've caught him in lies before, I know he lies a lot, and that post just made me think about the times he's talked about their sex life and how he could have been following my lead in what to say.

[Anonymous]

Butt out, leave this family alone. It's not your place to cause more distruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if it's a crisis of conscience as much as I suddenly realized he'd been lying to me. I was reading here actually a post where a woman said her husband had told his OW they never had sex when in fact they were having sex 3 to 5 times a week.

That made me think about him and I started to realize he could have been lying to me about sexlessness in order to sleep with me. I thought she didn't like sex so in my mind - I know it's twisted - but I felt like I wasn't doing something very wrong to her if I was just doing something with him that she didn't want to do anyway.

But I've caught him in lies before, I know he lies a lot, and that post just made me think about the times he's talked about their sex life and how he could have been following my lead in what to say.

Yeah, he is probably lying to you about a lot of things. If he can't be honest with someone he took vows with and is comfortable lying to her face every day, then he is probably lying to you too. Especially given that you've already caught him in lies, if nothing else that should've been your sign right there.
What do you want to become of your relationship with him? If you have any visions of a future with him I have to advise you to rethink them, I'm sure you deserve better than this and looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life.
If he ever left his wife for you do you know what that would make you? Next in line.

[Anonymous]

Who are you crazy wives that wouldn't want to know!?!?

Hell yes tell her.