My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs

[Anonymous]

You say you trust your mother after she spanked your child hard, without your permission, and knowing you don't spank. You also plan to make your son spend the holidays with her.

[Anonymous]

I wonder about your mother...spanking sounds out of character for her...is she changing in other ways? Getting anxiety?

But, gosh, after spending your son, it would take a lot for me to go back anytime soon. I might insist that she apologize to her grandchild for hitting him over something so minor in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never told anyone on our families that my child has adhd.

We have also chosen not to make my kid's (different) issues a topic of discussion. It's been so long that my parents were around young kids I don't think that they can tell. I spend my days talking about my kid to specialists, teachers, therapists. When I see my family at the holidays all I want is for someone to tell me how sweet/cute/adorable he is and leave it there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom. You should be glad that she cares enough to say her opinion. They are over diagnosing, and a lot of boys grow out of it. Ask the elderly who used to be teachers, they will tell you that boys out grow it. Find him a different school if that would help.

OP again. I love and trust my mom, but can't agree with her on this one. We have seen multiple specialists, all of whom tell us that he has special needs. And they are helpful, in that their guidance and therapy is making a difference. My oldest doesn't struggle with these issues, excels at everything, is well-mannered, and my mother points to her as an example of "how we did it right." Makes me crazy. We simply can't parent both kids the same.

And I will never believe in spanking, my mother's solution. It breaks my heart.

I don't know how you could trust your mom around your son. This would change my relationship with my mom forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom. You should be glad that she cares enough to say her opinion. They are over diagnosing, and a lot of boys grow out of it. Ask the elderly who used to be teachers, they will tell you that boys out grow it. Find him a different school if that would help.

OP again. I love and trust my mom, but can't agree with her on this one. We have seen multiple specialists, all of whom tell us that he has special needs. And they are helpful, in that their guidance and therapy is making a difference. My oldest doesn't struggle with these issues, excels at everything, is well-mannered, and my mother points to her as an example of "how we did it right." Makes me crazy. We simply can't parent both kids the same.

And I will never believe in spanking, my mother's solution. It breaks my heart.

I don't know how you could trust your mom around your son. This would change my relationship with my mom forever.

Yes. All of it is difficult.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not going to find a just-right solution that makes your mother see reason. Not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Smile, ignore, change subject. Be strong. Avoid her if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well she is right.

Your poor parenting choices are preventing him from getting help. He needs medication. Get it for him. That's what a good parenting decision looks like.

Hello Pharmaceutical Rep! Nice to see you trolling here!

As an adult with ADHD, I am loving the fact that OP is NOT taking the easy road and going to straight to medication. Every road is different, but to me, that is what a good parenting decision looks like, It is tough to parent a child with ADHD. AS an adult who has been on the medication, I can honestly tell you I hated it. It literally took the joy out of my day. I was robotic. I have learned to deal with it in other ways. On good days, I work hard and focus. On other days - I give in to my ADHD and am all over the place.

Back to the OP's original post. I would honestly tell your mom that her comments are not showing great 'grandparenting' and that while she is always welcome to join you for the holidays, her comments are hurtful and not welcome. And should she start up with them, look at her straight on and let her know she is being hurtful and change the topic of conversation. Keep repeating until she gets a clue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she is right.

Your poor parenting choices are preventing him from getting help. He needs medication. Get it for him. That's what a good parenting decision looks like.

Hello Pharmaceutical Rep! Nice to see you trolling here!

As an adult with ADHD, I am loving the fact that OP is NOT taking the easy road and going to straight to medication. Every road is different, but to me, that is what a good parenting decision looks like, It is tough to parent a child with ADHD. AS an adult who has been on the medication, I can honestly tell you I hated it. It literally took the joy out of my day. I was robotic. I have learned to deal with it in other ways. On good days, I work hard and focus. On other days - I give in to my ADHD and am all over the place.

Back to the OP's original post. I would honestly tell your mom that her comments are not showing great 'grandparenting' and that while she is always welcome to join you for the holidays, her comments are hurtful and not welcome. And should she start up with them, look at her straight on and let her know she is being hurtful and change the topic of conversation. Keep repeating until she gets a clue.

OP- I am the above poster. I wrote this before I read the post where she spanked him for not sitting still (Did I mention I have adult ADHD? I can be all over the place at times- so I don't always read through all of the posts). ANYWAY, That crossed the lines. Period. I am not a fan of spanking - and would not allow others to spank my child. I do understand a parents 'need' to spank, but it should be reserved for certain circumstances. Not sitting still is not one of them. Bottom line, your mom crossed the line and I would not have her back to my house until she understood that and could agree to treat my child in a civil matter.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?

I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.

OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.

So ... he wasn't being destructive or disrespectful, just exhibiting behavior normally associated with a six year old boy? I mean he wasn't making messes and refusing to clean them, or refusing to turn down the TV volume, or anything like that?

Yeah, not cool at all.

[Anonymous]

Op,
I also have a 6 year old with ADHD and very old school parents. They spanked all of us growing up (and we are all well adjusted adults who don't spank)--that was just the way it was done back then. They've never spanked my kids but my father has occasionally threatened it, and I've told him not to do it. My kids really adore them and they generally have a great relationship--I'm not in the boat of those that think this is the kind of thing that merits cutting off ties with your mom. It really depends on a lot of factors, including your kids relationship with her more generally and whether her attitude is that she'd do it again, or whether she's sorry she broke your rules. When people get older, they do often have shorter fuses and you need to keep that in mind when your son and she are interacting.
One thing that really made a difference for my mom was reading a basic book about ADHD. I can't even remover which one, but it was on my coffee table and she picked it up when she was bored on day. She immediately recognized my son and I think it all just sort of clicked as an explanation for why he is the way he is. Since your mom is getting some really bad info off Fox, maybe you could feed her some real info that wouldn't help her understand? She's using the outdated and ineffectual tools she has (punitive discipline).

Also, I'd say another thing that made a difference for my parents is seeing the difference when he's on medication. I think it really highlighted for them that it is a medical problem. Of course, that can be non-pharmacological solutions to medical problems, but the effectivelness of the drugs sort of makes it obvious.

Good luck! I hope you find a solution that works for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I never told anyone on our families that my child has adhd.

Me too. We never told anyone. Now that he is a teen we are so happy we kept his medical conditions to ourselves.

I would suggest as others have a heart to heart with your mom. Just say you only discuss ADHD with your doctor. Stay firm.

We also did not jump on medication. I wish we had my son on medication sooner. In the end medication was a lifesaver.

Good luck.

I agree. My son is a teen now. His health info is private. I am glad he has control over who he shares it with.
I keep my health info private too.

+1! DS has ASD but the same applies.
You don't have to share your DC's health information, you' don't have to put up with a family debate over theories of genetics/parenting, you don't have to stay at the house, you don't have to go, if it comes to that.
Make the choices you feel are best for your family, OP!

[Anonymous]

Just want to put in a word for dietary changes as a treatment for ADHD. Getting rid of chemicals and additives in food as well as grains, sugar and diary can improve ADHD symptoms. As a parent, I'd try dietary changes first before even considering medication. Google ADHD and diet, and you'll find a lot of studies on the web showing the connection between diet and ADHD.

Medication is a quick fix, but studies are beginning to emerge showing that medication has a deleterious effect on a child's developing brain. Better take the harder, longer route.

As for your mom, OP, I'm afraid she's not going to change. It must be very frustrating that you can't confide in her about your son, but if I were you, I'd stay completely away from that subject when talking with her. Of course she's your mom, and you want to have a good relationship with her, but you have to protect your child. He's only 6, and it's quite true, he "might" outgrow some of his symptoms, but the therapeutic approaches you are taking may speed that process. In any case, talk about the weather, fashion, the news, neutral subjects, and refrain from discussing your son with your mom. If she brings it up, change the subject. And limit visits with her, or time them for when your son is the most rested and focused.

Some older people just can't handle any bad news. A friend has a brain-damaged child, and her parents are in 100% denial about this kid. She just tells them he's fine, and limits their time with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Advice?

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.

jesus christ. that's borderline abusive. at best. that would be a total deal breaker for me, as in "Mom, you HIT MY CHILD and you may not be alone with him under any circumstances until I say otherwise. All the research shows that spanking is bad for kids, and this is my child. I get to choose how he is disciplined."

Seriously, that's a huge deal. I cannot imagine how scared your poor boy must have been.

[Anonymous]

Spanked him? Hard?
Sorry but I would tell my parent she is no longer welcome in my home and we won't be visiting her home in the future.
did she leave marks? Use an implement? Call CPS on her.
Signed- no patience with abusers.