My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?

I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.

OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.

OP, you do need to have a real talk with your mom. That could prevent another spanking incident, assuming you plan ever to see her again after that. It sounds like you are, since you're pondering the holidays. I think that's your choice and I like you would not necessarily cut her off THIS time.

But you really, really need to have a talk with her. Or rather, AT her, if she will stay quiet long enough for you to talk. Even if a talk doesn't work on any level, you will at least know you tried -- you'll know you made an effort to offer her information and enough detail to act like an adult and walk away when your son's behavior is a problem for her.

The talk doesn't have to be "extensive" and you don't have to go into great detail. But you need to look her in the eyes, at a time and place when the kids are nowhere nearby and are not going to interrupt, and tell her that the reason you "are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him" is that he has a medical condition that has been diagnosed by doctors, and he is under doctors' care for the exact behaviors that prompted her to spank him. She would be worried and want to help him if he had a broken arm or leg, but he has an issue she can't see, and she is angry rather than concerned. I would tell her that you will take her to see his doctor and she can hear this directly from the mouth of an MD if she just cannot believe you. Explain that while you recognize that she sees his behaviors as "bad child behavior" and "lack of discipline," he actually has a brain problem that all the spanking and discipline in the world will not fix, ever. His condition means that what she sees as willful, intentional "badness" from him is something out of his ability to control. And I'd end with, "I know this is not something you experienced or heard about when you were parenting us years ago, but it does exist whether you believe it or not. He's our child, not yours, and we, not you, have sat through the doctor appointments and the school appointments and (etc.), and WE recognize that this is a medical condition, not Billy being bad or naughty, and not us being indulgent or ignorant. If you can't accept that -- you do not have to like it or even believe it but you do have to accept it -- we can see you. If you cannot accept it, I can visit you but not with the kids."

Do say that you will take responsibility for removing your son from her presence the instant things start to go south, so that she does not overreact. And then do just that, consistently. But if she lays a hand on him again, or expresses in words that he is bad or naughty, you will remove him and she won't see him again for a very, very long time.

In the example you mention, where she spanked him -- in the future, I'd let her be the one helping your daughter get ready etc., and you are the one with your son, for instance. And I'd be sure to visit her with another adult around, your husband or a more understanding sibling of yours or someone who can take either kid for a moment at times.

For this holiday, as others note, either don't visit (maybe go for a visit at a less fraught time than the holidays), or stay in a hotel. If she would be offended by your staying somewhere else, I'd tell her briefly and frankly, "I know that Billy's behaviors can be an issue for you so we're going to stay at a hotel to give you a break from him at times" and move on to another topic.

OP here. Thank you. THANK YOU! I don't want to presume that you have a child like mine, but you speak as if you do. I appreciate what you offered. As my mom as gotten older, she doesn't seem to have the same emotional bandwidth I remember. She goes all the rails at the slightest things.

I was only spanked once as a child, and she told me she deeply regretted it. So it shocked and saddened me when she decided this was the way to treat my child. Way up thread, a poster took issue that I mentioned Fox. It has direct baring on this situation. She saw a story where Gen X coddles children, ADHD is a myth, and what our nation needs is to stop inventing "brain disorders" and instead deal with unruly children. She quotes this story all the time.

As with all familial situations, this one is difficult. I will say that we don't allow our child to disrupt a classroom, party, or gathering. We leave when he is disruptive, and explain to him why it happened. We are aware, and so is he.

Again, thanks to all the posters that offered advice.

OP, I'm glad this poster took the time to write out such good advice. I'm in a somewhat similar situation as you. My mother hasn't spanked my son, but she doesn't really understand him and questions my parenting. She's a retired teacher, so her information is outdated but she is very confident in it!

I think posters who advise cutting off your mother don't appreciate the nuances of the situation. If your mother is like mine, she is loving and devoted but with generational differences in parenting, which the spanking and opinion of ADHD highlight. And you are right on in describing your mother's "reduced emotional bandwidth." That's a great description, and neuroscience about the aging process backs this up. My mother has kind of lost her verbal filter while at the same time is less patient and less tolerant, especially when she's anxious. For those of us caught between aging parents and ADHD children, we have to try to negotiate our way around both neurological conditions with understanding and grace.

Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP to an extent.

While grandparents who don't get on the ADHD bandwagon and support you in the way you hope to be supported, there is a bonus to having a grandparent or friend who will treat your kid as "the fun guy" or the "boundless energy" or "different drummer" kid.

We hid some of the details of my child's testing and diagnosis. They overheard us talking about a detail in the day that only is for kids with disabilities and it was hard. (My son got a bus to preschool because he was there on an IEP, whereas my other kid was driven to preschool, so we discussed logistics and they went "hmmmm").

The fact my mom does not buy the ADHD/sensory/anxiety stuff means their relationship is not the same as other grandparent/grandchild relationships (no sleepovers, for example).
Small price to pay.

BTW, we have 2 kids w/attention issues. Medication is right for one, and not for the other.

Do you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about your mother...spanking sounds out of character for her...is she changing in other ways? Getting anxiety?

But, gosh, after spending your son, it would take a lot for me to go back anytime soon. I might insist that she apologize to her grandchild for hitting him over something so minor in the grand scheme of things.

I was thinking this, too, that perhaps the grandmother is starting to show some signs of dementia or other illness (having had one of my parents go down the same road).