My mom is convinced he will "grow out" of his special needs

[Anonymous]

13:32 here and OMG, I just read your update. Your mom spanked your son during her last visit?! Absolutely no way would I go to my parent's house for Christmas this year. What kind of message does that send to your son? It sounds like he's working really hard to control himself when it's harder for him than for other kids - bringing in a woman who was violent towards him last time she saw him conveys an endorsement of sorts from you. I know that she's your mom and his grandma, but your son needs to come first here - not grandma's feelings, especially since she doesn't seem to care about anyone else's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am also a mother of an ADHD child and I totally feel for you. Although our parents are mostly supportive, we did lose a few relatives and friends over our decision not to medicate. For those posters who think ADHD kids are disruptive - oh please. Wait until you meet kids with ED

OP, in your case, I'd not waste my time and money and just stay home. I am sure you can find plenty of activities for your ADHD boy to do.

I was one of the pro medication posters and have adult add.

It's not about your kid being disruptive to others. It is about how your child feels them self and the damage that is done. I promise as a child it was truly miserable to want to be able to be like the other kids, try really hard, and fail over and over. It took a major toll on my self esteem and ultimately I stopped trying in school as well. If your child's behavior makes others alienate him, that's even worse. He doesn't want to act that way and he doesn't want to feel out of control.

[Anonymous]

She has strong opinions as to what the "right" way is to handle a disobedient child is. She isn't a horrible person she is just very old school and remembers how she was disciplined as a child and how she disciplined her own kids as a mom, herself. Honestly, anyone over a certain age was probably spanked as a child at some point and most of us still love our folks.

She is not used to being around kids and even mildly disobedient children can be grating on older adults' nerves. That said, YOU are the mother now. And it is rude, inappropriate and quite damaging of MIL to undermine your authority like that. She is not being respectful of you and your rules in your home. She is consistently putting you on the defensive to explain your parenting decisions. She is confusing the heck out of your son in the process who has no idea why he is suddenly being hit by his grandma. What the heck is going to happen when you are on HER turf?

I think I would insist on staying in a hotel. Go over for the holiday celebration and leave if you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well she is right.

Your poor parenting choices are preventing him from getting help. He needs medication. Get it for him. That's what a good parenting decision looks like.

I hope this is sarcastic. So sad that our society thinks there is or should be a pill for everything. Easy way out. I have a relative who ended up on a lot of pills for "behavior" issues. Family thought pills would make him want to go to college. Things didn't end very well.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have changed my opinion on this.

At first I supported the idea that you aren't medicating for reasons that yiu understand and yiu have your child's best interests at heart.

But now that is coupled with allowing your mother to have access to him after she was physically abusive toward him, now I don't believe you have your child's best interests at heart. I think you have your priorities royally screwed up. Your concern is in having your mother understand, how about trying for one moment to try to understand what your poor son is going through.

I cannot fathom why you didn't toss that woman out of your home when she assaulted your son.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her "Mom, you're never going to stop thinking he's badly behaved because I'm a shitty parent, and I'm never going to stop thinking he was diagnosed with an actual thing. So let's just agree to disagree. You won't convince me, and I won't convince you. So let's just not bother arguing and enjoy the holiday."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?

I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.

OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.

Why are you spending Christmas with your mother? She laid hands on your child. Why would you make your child spend Christmas with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.

My father's parenting advice for my sensitive, anxious boy with ADHD and LD is to "just give him a good spanking". Since physically striking the child who practically has a panic attack if you raise your voice would be so effective. Since he's on the other coast I can just say "thank you for your advice" and mentally note to never allow him to be the care-taker for my sons. You really need to set boundaries and this may mean she has less involvement in your family.

I also have a NT son who is the complete opposite in so many ways. It's amazing seeing so many things come so easily for him after watching our older DS struggle so hard. =\

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she is right.

Your poor parenting choices are preventing him from getting help. He needs medication. Get it for him. That's what a good parenting decision looks like.

I hope this is sarcastic. So sad that our society thinks there is or should be a pill for everything. Easy way out. I have a relative who ended up on a lot of pills for "behavior" issues. Family thought pills would make him want to go to college. Things didn't end very well.

ADHD isn't a behavioral issue; it is a neurological issue.

[Anonymous]

OP I think your priorities are skewed. You seem to be much more concerned for your mother's welfare during this visit than your son's. Why on earth would you subject that poor child to seeing her??

[Anonymous]

She laid hands on your child. No visit.

[Anonymous]

Your second update provided a lot of good information. I understand not medicating since he's 6.

However, I don't think it's a good idea to put your mother and your son together for the foreseeable future. You are setting them both up to fail. Your mother does not have the patience to work with your son and your son does not have the ability to be the grandson your mother needs.

This is never going to work for either one of them. It would be best to take a break and only see each other for short visits until either your mother can learn to act maturely around your son or your son reaches a point where he can better control his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After a long journey with lots of specialists, money, IEP, etc., we are now better equipped to help our son. (We are not medicating, and have chosen to do lots of therapy and educating ourselves on how to be his advocate and parent the best we can knowing how is brain works.)

My mother doesn't believe in ADHD, and thinks his problems are due to "poor parenting" on our part. She tells us, "He will grow out of this. You *people* over react to everything. He just needs discipline." Then she goes all FOX news and crazy shit on me, and tells me how different things were when she raised us.

Holidays are coming up, and quite frankly, I can't deal with her comments and treatment of him as we are just getting things on track. Not sure how to handle this situation.

Advice?

I don't see what the problem is. If you are not medicating, what is she objecting to exactly? Just say, "Yes, I agree, mom! He'll probably grow out of it. That's why we're not medicating him." And just bite the bullet and say that the therapy is to help you discipline him.

OP here. Thanks for all of the feedback everyone. To answer this PP's question, I guess I am hoping she will try to understand what we now know. We are not medicating because he is six, and we want to wait just a bit longer before we go this route. I am not anti medication.

I haven't talked to my mom extensively about what is going on with my son, but she is aware that we are spending lots of time and effort trying to help him. Last month she came to visit, and got so frustrated with my son that she took him to his room and spanked him. Very hard. She couldn't understand why he wouldn't sit properly in his chair, couldn't keep elbows off the table, and wouldn't look her in the eye. The thing is, he can do these things now with the right words and help from us. He was just having a bad morning with her.

I was helping my daughter get ready, and heard him wailing in his room with her. I went nuts. This adds more context, and explains why I need to either set better boundaries, or simply come up with a different holiday plan.

What kind of a grandma spanks her grandkid? She needs boundaries ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she is right.

Your poor parenting choices are preventing him from getting help. He needs medication. Get it for him. That's what a good parenting decision looks like.

+1. I feel bad for the teachers and other students who your snowflake will be disrupting

Troll supporting its troll post.

Nope. I made the first post, don't know who the poster is who supported it.
I am an adult with ADD and I can tell you that being a child with ADD is miserable. I would never, ever deny my child medication for ADD.

NP. +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well she is right.

Your poor parenting choices are preventing him from getting help. He needs medication. Get it for him. That's what a good parenting decision looks like.

+1. I feel bad for the teachers and other students who your snowflake will be disrupting

Troll supporting its troll post.

Nope. I made the first post, don't know who the poster is who supported it.
I am an adult with ADD and I can tell you that being a child with ADD is miserable. I would never, ever deny my child medication for ADD.

NP. +1

Okay. That's the right choice for YOU and maybe for your child.

I've been told by other adults with ADHD that they hated being on meds as a kid and were glad to stop taking them as soon as they could make that decision. My husband is one of those people.