Reply to Is this marriage after 8 years and 2 kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, to answer your question, yes, this is what marriage is usually like after 8 years and with two small kids. HOWEVER. It does not have to be that way.
To me what stuck out from your post was that you were disappointed "but I didn't want to ruin everything by bringing it up." 
Sorry, but you have to bring this stuff up as it occurs. Do not let it fester. If your DH says "where do you want to go" you should say, in a not mean way, "Hey, I ASKED you to make plans. The fact that you did not do so makes me feel very ignored and unappreciated. I'm going to go redo my lipstick and you have 5 minutes to come up with something. And is that what you are going to wear? I dressed up!"
What is wrong with just saying that? How does that "ruin it" more than falsely pretending you are not hurt and having it all come out later in no sex and a big heavy discussion. I think men respond better to immediate straightforward feedback, in a nice way, than big stressful "talks" that make them feel like they are just screwing up all the time and you are saying nothing and disliking them secretly. Imagine how stressful that would be, to constantly be worried that your spouse is unhappy but pretending so as not to "ruin it." 
I don't know how you were raised but if you think the right thing to do is stifle yourself and not bother other people, think again. Your spouse is not a mind reader. Just tell him how you feel. And that is not the same as stuffing it inside and then later having big awful talks. Tell him how you feel immediately so that he has a chance to make it right, right away.  
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Op here. My DH is very sensitive to criticism and has trouble "unlocking" when an issue is raised. He gets defensive easily. That's why I didn't discuss it in the moment, didn't want to ruin the evening. I agree that this is not healthy but cannot think of what else to do. [/quote]

Ahh...my guess... you raised the issue by even being dressed up, and he forgot about your date.  So HE was pissed at YOU for making him feel guilty.  So he punished you by not getting dressed appropriately, then not taking any initiative, and probably being a jerk most of the night.  And somehow he (and a number of posters on this board), got you to agree that it was YOUR fault that the date was botched.  So, guilt relieved, he forgot about the whole thing.  But you are ultra pissed because not only did you put a lot of effort into this date while he put in none, but somehow when the date didn't work out, you still got the blame.  
I don't know what to tell you, but if your spouse would rather make you feel hurt and shame and guilt than just feel it themselves, then you are in a tough spot in a relationship.  I think that people gave a lot of great ideas about giving him specific things to do that will make you happy and will make him feel good about the relationship.  And finding some things to do for yourself so that it doesn't get to you when he gets defensive.  [/quote]

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