Sad about extended family Christmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP does not sound exhausting. She just wants to spend Christmas with her parents. OP - just go there for Christmas. I wouldn't bring up the topic any more and if someone (your Mom or sister) bring it up, you can address it then. You tell your sister that you and your family have the tradition of spending Christmas with your parents. Done. They can decide what they want to do. They can stay at a hotel or got to their in-laws. Stop try to figure out what your sister wants since she's not being forthcoming. Focus on your family and what you want for your family. Tell your Mom you will be there for Christmas, as is the tradition. Done.

She doesn't "just" want Christmas with her parents.

She wants Christmas with her parents
And her sister
And they have to all be in the same house
And no one can stay in a hotel
And it has to be every single year
And if not then Christmas is ruined

OP, you can sleep in a hotel and still have Santa deliver to Grandma's house. Santa is very flexible. You need to learn some flexibility too. Woukd LOVE to hear sister's version.

[Anonymous]

Or her mother's. Poor Grammy is doing all the work to create the aforementioned magical Christmas. Hell, I want someone to make me a damn magical Christmas too, and I'm a grandmother! Talk about lazy...she wants her mother to do the work, in a tiny little house, while 5 other adults and at least 4 kids get waited on.

Dollars to donuts this is mom's idea.

[Anonymous]

OP, since YOU are the one who is ok with the "everyone cram together"ness, maybe your family should be the one to take that on.

Your parents stay in their room, sister and BIL get the other bedroom, their kids get the third room. You, your Dh, and kids sleep on air mattresses on the the floor. Please be sure not to set them out or put your own kids to bed until everyone else in the house is out of the common area because it will be disruptive to the adult socializing to have to be quiet for the kids. Likewise, please make sure you are all awake with bedding picked up/deflated/etc. before everyone else wakes in the morning.
Sister, BIL and their kids get sole use of the bathroom. Your family should make do with the half bath and doing "sponge baths"instead of regular showers.
Cramming all together in small spaces is fun for you, so this should not be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound exhausting. Not everyone has the same feelings as you do and you seem to be completely tone deaf to that. Try to look at the situation without a HUGE chip on your shoulder,

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP does not sound exhausting. She just wants to spend Christmas with her parents. OP - just go there for Christmas. I wouldn't bring up the topic any more and if someone (your Mom or sister) bring it up, you can address it then. You tell your sister that you and your family have the tradition of spending Christmas with your parents. Done. They can decide what they want to do. They can stay at a hotel or got to their in-laws. Stop try to figure out what your sister wants since she's not being forthcoming. Focus on your family and what you want for your family. Tell your Mom you will be there for Christmas, as is the tradition. Done.

She doesn't "just" want Christmas with her parents.

She wants Christmas with her parents
And her sister
And they have to all be in the same house
And no one can stay in a hotel
And it has to be every single year
And if not then Christmas is ruined

OP, you can sleep in a hotel and still have Santa deliver to Grandma's house. Santa is very flexible. You need to learn some flexibility too. Woukd LOVE to hear sister's version.

Seriously. How about just the tiniest bit of compromise. Your parents have two daughters, OP. Your wants are not automatically more important than your sister's. As a mom of multiple children I would think you would understand that by now. You sound quite immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP does not sound exhausting. She just wants to spend Christmas with her parents. OP - just go there for Christmas. I wouldn't bring up the topic any more and if someone (your Mom or sister) bring it up, you can address it then. You tell your sister that you and your family have the tradition of spending Christmas with your parents. Done. They can decide what they want to do. They can stay at a hotel or got to their in-laws. Stop try to figure out what your sister wants since she's not being forthcoming. Focus on your family and what you want for your family. Tell your Mom you will be there for Christmas, as is the tradition. Done.

She doesn't "just" want Christmas with her parents.

She wants Christmas with her parents
And her sister
And they have to all be in the same house
And no one can stay in a hotel
And it has to be every single year
And if not then Christmas is ruined

OP, you can sleep in a hotel and still have Santa deliver to Grandma's house. Santa is very flexible. You need to learn some flexibility too. Woukd LOVE to hear sister's version.

I also wouldn't be surprised if she made her kids and nieces/nephews sleep in a certain place, eat a certain breakfast, open presents a certain way, etc. because she did it that way as a child and loved it and it's tradition, dammit!

OP, you should think about creating new traditions with your kids/family that everyone enjoys instead of trying to re-live your childhood memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's 3br/2.5 baths. Spare rooms each have a queen.

I'm not staying in a hotel December 24th. How would Santa do his job?? I would rather be at home than that.

Santa is a fictional elf, dear...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're trying to have 4 adults and 4 children share a 3 BDR house for multiple days. Yes some people would be OK with this but your sister (and it seems like your mom) isn't. Why don't you give them a break from you and your family. Visit another time and let you sister have a chance to stay with your mom.

In the grand scheme of life, is alienating your sister worth the friendship between the cousins? I guarantee you and she will get along much better if you skip this year.

Don't bet on it. I'll offer to stay home. But I'll mkae my feelings about it plain, which is more than anyone else can say in my family.

So, you'll play martyr?

[Anonymous]

My sister unilaterally decided a few years ago without discussing it with anyone, that HER solution to HER problem was alternating years. Now she's upset that I didn't magically fall in line to her commandment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're trying to have 4 adults and 4 children share a 3 BDR house for multiple days. Yes some people would be OK with this but your sister (and it seems like your mom) isn't. Why don't you give them a break from you and your family. Visit another time and let you sister have a chance to stay with your mom.

In the grand scheme of life, is alienating your sister worth the friendship between the cousins? I guarantee you and she will get along much better if you skip this year.

Don't bet on it. I'll offer to stay home. But I'll mkae my feelings about it plain, which is more than anyone else can say in my family.

So, you'll play martyr?

I'm not going to pretend I'm okay with some "solution" that I'm not okay with and had no say in.

[Anonymous]

I vote for a rental house. Though it doesn't sound like you like your sister very much, so why do you want to spend Xmas with her? I think you need to call your sister and calmly talk this out. Though it sounds like you're already pretty mad.

You need to let go of the image of Perfect Family Christmas exactly the way you see it in your head. TALK to your sister, with your dukes down. She is not ruining your Christmas, but is trying to make a pleasant one for her family too. Figure out a solution. This is what normal families do.

[Anonymous]

You guys are so predictable. You are indiscriminately against whoever writes the post, just out of sheer habit. If I had come here posting as my sister ("My sister thinks we should all spend Christmas together but I don't want to and think she should just come when I'm not there! I CAN'T share a bathroom for one whole night!!!") you would be totally against her.

And for the record, I suggested a beach house. They are dirt cheap that time of year.

[Anonymous]

Oh wow. I started out feeling sympathetic to the OP, but then as I read the OP's additional comments the issues start to come into focus.

OP do you think you might be part of the problem with what is going on with the Xmas plans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister unilaterally decided a few years ago without discussing it with anyone, that HER solution to HER problem was alternating years. Now she's upset that I didn't magically fall in line to her commandment?

OP, you and your sister remind me of my younger two sisters. Very different personalities and get along ok - but they wouldn't be friends at all if they weren't related. On certain topics though - they just do not see eye to eye. It's like the live in separate universes. It's easier for us to handle because I'm the oldest and either come up with a solution or force a compromise. In your situation though, it doesn't sound like you have that 3rd party to bring you together.

I think you need to leave this up to your mom to make the decision about who can come and stay at her house. Just tell mom what you've said here - that you really loved that you had your grandparents around for Christmas during childhood and would love for your kids to have the same experience. You are either happy to a) host or b) stay at her home for the holidays. If neither of those is amenable to your mom, then you need to make other plans for your family. And, it might provide you with a good opportunity to build traditions for your own family that you can carry on for years.

I wouldn't bother confronting your sister. It's not her house. It's not your house. This is totally your mom's decision. If your sister wants to opt out because you're there - that's her decision. But she (nor you) gets to decide who is at mom's house on Christmas.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow. I started out feeling sympathetic to the OP, but then as I read the OP's additional comments the issues start to come into focus.

OP do you think you might be part of the problem with what is going on with the Xmas plans?

Yes, I do, but I don't think I am all of the problem. But it's a zero sum game. In order for her to win, I lose. There is no way to compromise this.