Does your 12 year old "date"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
True. But they aren't going to get a cell phone/lap top/iPod pregnant.

No one is saying that they are still babies. I remember being that age myself. But 12 is still a kid and they should enjoy their childhood while they have it. There is plenty of time for the more grown up stuff later on.

Silly PP. Going to the movies doesn't cause pregnancy. Sperm meeting egg is what causes pregnancy, and that can happen in all kinds of places.

Well, duh. And somehow people still manage to make babies every day. Besides, pregnancy is only one of the factors to consider. If Larla breaks up with Larlo than Larlo's social life is effectively OVER. He can't hang out with Larla and the group anymore because Larla has Howie now and Howie doesn't want to see Larla with Larlo anymore....His buddy Aidan is hooked up with one of the girls in the group...he sees what happened to Larla/Larlo and now he worries about staying in the good graces of his girl. So he does whatever he is told to stay in the group.

Again, what 12/13/14 year old kid needs that? Better to go out on a real date when they are *really* ready than these manufactured "dates".

I don't understand the difference between a "real date" and a "manufactured date". It sounds to me like the OP's son and his buddy want to go to the movies with two friends who are girls. Is that a "manufactured" date? If so, who is manufacturing it? Also, is it possible that a 12/13/14-year-old might actually really be ready to date?

What's more, the middle-school drama you're alluding to can (and does) happen perfectly well without there ever having been any date of any sort at all. You're not going to protect your child from it by forbidding your son/daughter to go to the movies with a girl/boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW - all of the kids that I knew who were dating in middle school were having sex by HS. Or at least the rumor was floating around that they were.
I just don't think that a 12, 13, 14 year old kid needs that. Supervised dances, activities, neighborhood bbqs are one thing. But allowing boys and girls of that age to go off together as buddies on a "date" is just asking for trouble. It's playing with fire.

Needs what? Having sex in high school? Or having rumors floating around that they are having sex in high school? There are two important things to learn in high school, in my opinion:

1. Rumors are often baseless.
2. You shouldn't engage in malicious gossip.

Ummm most kids are having sex in high school. Get a clue!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW - all of the kids that I knew who were dating in middle school were having sex by HS. Or at least the rumor was floating around that they were.
I just don't think that a 12, 13, 14 year old kid needs that. Supervised dances, activities, neighborhood bbqs are one thing. But allowing boys and girls of that age to go off together as buddies on a "date" is just asking for trouble. It's playing with fire.

Needs what? Having sex in high school? Or having rumors floating around that they are having sex in high school? There are two important things to learn in high school, in my opinion:

1. Rumors are often baseless.
2. You shouldn't engage in malicious gossip.

Ummm most kids are having sex in high school. Get a clue!

That depends on what you're saying. Are you saying that most high school kids have sex? That is factually incorrect. Or are you saying that most (defined as >50%) have had sex by the time they finish high school? That might be correct, if you assume that most kids are 18 when they graduate from high school.

Fewer than 2% of adolescents have had sex by the time they reach their 12th birthday. But adolescence is a time of rapid change. Only 16% of teens have had sex by age 15, compared with one-third of those aged 16, nearly half (48%) of those aged 17, 61% of 18-year-olds and 71% of 19-year-olds.[1] There is little difference by gender in the timing of first sex.

http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/FB-ATSRH.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
True. But they aren't going to get a cell phone/lap top/iPod pregnant.

No one is saying that they are still babies. I remember being that age myself. But 12 is still a kid and they should enjoy their childhood while they have it. There is plenty of time for the more grown up stuff later on.

Silly PP. Going to the movies doesn't cause pregnancy. Sperm meeting egg is what causes pregnancy, and that can happen in all kinds of places.

Well, duh. And somehow people still manage to make babies every day. Besides, pregnancy is only one of the factors to consider. If Larla breaks up with Larlo than Larlo's social life is effectively OVER. He can't hang out with Larla and the group anymore because Larla has Howie now and Howie doesn't want to see Larla with Larlo anymore....His buddy Aidan is hooked up with one of the girls in the group...he sees what happened to Larla/Larlo and now he worries about staying in the good graces of his girl. So he does whatever he is told to stay in the group.

Again, what 12/13/14 year old kid needs that? Better to go out on a real date when they are *really* ready than these manufactured "dates".

I don't understand the difference between a "real date" and a "manufactured date". It sounds to me like the OP's son and his buddy want to go to the movies with two friends who are girls. Is that a "manufactured" date? If so, who is manufacturing it? Also, is it possible that a 12/13/14-year-old might actually really be ready to date?

What's more, the middle-school drama you're alluding to can (and does) happen perfectly well without there ever having been any date of any sort at all. You're not going to protect your child from it by forbidding your son/daughter to go to the movies with a girl/boy.

You see no difference between Larlo breaking up with Larla and Larlo breaking up with Larla, Aidan, Jessica?

Yes, these dramas occur between 2 kids who meet and go out in HS. But losing your entire circle of childhood friends upon a break up would be pretty devastating to a kid. Of course, that can happen even without dating or romantic involvement of any kind. But romantic involvement can complicate things - you might find yourself deciding whether or not to stay with a guy/girl that you really aren't that interested in OR break up and lose your peer support group. That's pretty heavy.

I just think that kids should be able to date w/o so much risk. Build your own friendships first. Then date.

[Anonymous]

I am shocked there are parents that let their 12yr old date. I honestly am. Terrible parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You see no difference between Larlo breaking up with Larla and Larlo breaking up with Larla, Aidan, Jessica?

Yes, these dramas occur between 2 kids who meet and go out in HS. But losing your entire circle of childhood friends upon a break up would be pretty devastating to a kid. Of course, that can happen even without dating or romantic involvement of any kind. But romantic involvement can complicate things - you might find yourself deciding whether or not to stay with a guy/girl that you really aren't that interested in OR break up and lose your peer support group. That's pretty heavy.

I just think that kids should be able to date w/o so much risk. Build your own friendships first. Then date.

I'm saying that this can happen, and does happen, at any age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked there are parents that let their 12yr old date. I honestly am. Terrible parenting.

When you say "date", what specifically do you mean? For example, are you shocked that there are parents who let their twelve-year-old go to the movies? Or are you shocked that there are parents who let their twelve-year-old text? Or...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You see no difference between Larlo breaking up with Larla and Larlo breaking up with Larla, Aidan, Jessica?

Yes, these dramas occur between 2 kids who meet and go out in HS. But losing your entire circle of childhood friends upon a break up would be pretty devastating to a kid. Of course, that can happen even without dating or romantic involvement of any kind. But romantic involvement can complicate things - you might find yourself deciding whether or not to stay with a guy/girl that you really aren't that interested in OR break up and lose your peer support group. That's pretty heavy.

I just think that kids should be able to date w/o so much risk. Build your own friendships first. Then date.

I'm saying that this can happen, and does happen, at any age.

Yes it can. But a 13 year old with 5 long years left of school, no clear plans for his/her future is going to see things a whole lot differently than a HS Junior who will be outta there in a couple of years anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked there are parents that let their 12yr old date. I honestly am. Terrible parenting.

When you say "date", what specifically do you mean? For example, are you shocked that there are parents who let their twelve-year-old go to the movies? Or are you shocked that there are parents who let their twelve-year-old text? Or...?

+1 to this question. Can we clarify what dating means? Many freshman at my kids school are "dating" but it means they see each other at school and text after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked there are parents that let their 12yr old date. I honestly am. Terrible parenting.

When you say "date", what specifically do you mean? For example, are you shocked that there are parents who let their twelve-year-old go to the movies? Or are you shocked that there are parents who let their twelve-year-old text? Or...?

+1 to this question. Can we clarify what dating means? Many freshman at my kids school are "dating" but it means they see each other at school and text after.

I don't call that dating. And yes I remember kids doing that even back in the day. The in school only romances. Now they can text after school which isn't a big deal unless they are branching into sexting/phone sex territory. You don't have to give kids the ability to send texts on their phones, btw.

Dating is actually going out on a date - to the movies, a dance, dinner, ice cream, putt putt, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS, 13, has had a "girlfriend" for a year. He can call and text her, and they are Google + friends and email-- but we monitor his accounts and have never hidden from him that we are doing so. He can invite her to our house, as long as an adult is home, but is not allowed to be in his bedroom with her or behind closed doors. She has also been invited on family activities, like apple picking and the fair, and over for dinner. They can go to our neighborhood pool in the summer-- but once again, only with an adult present to keep an eye on things. She's a sweet girl, and we try to facilitate their being friends, but we monitor closely. We've said "real" dating is for 16

Sorry but that is completely inappropriate. If they stay together, they will be banging by 14.

Not in my house, while I am monitoring what is going on. This is not a they head down the basement and I see them two hours later situation. It's a stay in eye sight of an adult one, complete with Duggar style chaperoning-- at home and in public. I suppose I could say no contact at all until 16, but I feel more comfortable with kids gradually earring freedom and learning responsibility. And in our house, You earn the freedom to go on a "date"-- that is be alone in public, no earlier than 16, and once you've shown you are responsible enough. I doubt we'll ever okay e tended perIons of alone time at home-- or at least before college.

This, times a billion.

Same here!

My rules:

10-12 is still having parties and other things in groups in my house or their friends' houses.
13-15 may "date" in groups: restaurants and other public places, no movies or other dark places. I offered to allow a dark movie theater, but I'm in the row (maybe three?) behind; I wasn't really surprised when they said no.
16-18 (18 while still living in this house) may date, but if they want to have sex, they need to talk to me. We will arrange for contraceptives and the two teens (with the other parents' consent, or it's a no go) may have privacy. Honestly, I'd rather I knew what was going on and where, and so far nobody is old enough AND wants to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree - I let my DS 12 go on "dates". He has gone with a girl for frozen yogurt, bowling and also ice skating once. I dropped them off and picked them up. I OKd it with the mom. I want him to learn how to do while I still have some control. He offers to pay, opens doors, asks what she wants to do (where to go or whatever) and learns how to ask a girl out, make plans and carry out those plans - all good skills. I would let him do it with his guy friends and I let him do it with a girl in controlled situations and that is how he will learn how to behave in those situations. He walks her to her door when the date is over.

This sounds a little old fashioned (I don't want my daughter to think that she needs to wait for a guy to open a door for her!), but generally I agree with this. I'm encouraged by the thought that 12 yr olds actually want to go on dates! When I was in middle and more so high school, "going out" mainly meant talking on the phone and hooking up at parties. Dating sounds a lot better.

[Anonymous]

Considering that not even my 17 year old is dating, it would be a little odd if my 12-year-old started.

My 17-year-old can, of course, start dating any time. My 12-year-old could not be less interested. All signs suggest he is still a ways from puberty.

I have late bloomers, in case that wasn't obvious, LOL.

[Anonymous]

With all these 12 year olds dating, no wonder my dd came home from school yesterday laughing about a group of 7th grade girls who were complaining about how weird it felt to wear a thong with gym shorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With all these 12 year olds dating, no wonder my dd came home from school yesterday laughing about a group of 7th grade girls who were complaining about how weird it felt to wear a thong with gym shorts.

My 8th grader talks about the pregnancies, the girls that do go on dates and how far they get. It is crazy how quickly these kids move.