Raising older teens is challenging

[Anonymous]

DS, 17, is in a way too serious relationship with his girlfriend. Yes, he is having sex.

[Anonymous]

Mine has had mental health issues emerge. I guess they often do during adolescence but we were utterly unprepared. She also continues to be argumentative and oppositional, now with attitude thanks to normal teen behavior. I have tried everything to get her help but she is unwilling to participate so nothing helps. Trying to figure out if meds are appropriate now. Have no good support to help in that decision. Ped is useless for mental health. We've paid big money for a supposed expert psychiatrist (who, of course, doesn't take insurance) but we have found her very useless.

I had no idea it would be this hard. I see those innocent posts from the Expecting board and remember those days. Can't believe they led here. Why do we have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many of these problems would have been solved if parents had done a few things better when the kids were younger...

1. Be parents (not buddies)
2. Be disciplined (brought out the paddle stick from time to time)
3. Be free-range (Opposite of helicopter: allow their kids to explore, get hurt, get injured, take risks, gain some independence and street smarts, learn from mistakes, etc.)


So how many of you are now admitting quietly to yourself, "Well, crap! I tried to be her buddy. I didn't dare to discipline. And I am still blaming her teacher and her boss at Starbucks, etc. for not treating my princess how she deserves to be treated."

Yes, because if we only do A, B, and C, we are guaranteed results X, Y, and Z. Especially when we are talking about human beings.

Do you really believe this?

[Anonymous]

Kicked out of friend group. Has friends, but no close ones to share those special senior year events with. Puts on a good front, but can tell it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kicked out of friend group. Has friends, but no close ones to share those special senior year events with. Puts on a good front, but can tell it hurts.

Same here. Would you DD like to go to beach week with my DD.

[Anonymous]

generally a pretty good kid, but made two poor choices about 2 years ago when he was 13 and just turned 14. poor choices came out of the blue and he has been doing well since, but I struggle with trusting him and forgiving him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS, 17, is in a way too serious relationship with his girlfriend. Yes, he is having sex.

Same here but a DD. It isn't even the actual sex that bothers me, it is the seriousness of the relationship. They are like a married couple. Both good kids, both excellent students with friends and outside activities but still... She is just too young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS, 17, is in a way too serious relationship with his girlfriend. Yes, he is having sex.

Same here but a DD. It isn't even the actual sex that bothers me, it is the seriousness of the relationship. They are like a married couple. Both good kids, both excellent students with friends and outside activities but still... She is just too young.

Our DS and his GF are 17 and have been dating for 5 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS, 17, is in a way too serious relationship with his girlfriend. Yes, he is having sex.

Same here but a DD. It isn't even the actual sex that bothers me, it is the seriousness of the relationship. They are like a married couple. Both good kids, both excellent students with friends and outside activities but still... She is just too young.

I was one of these and now am a married couple with my high school boyfriend. Did I miss out on some "typical college things" -- aka partying a lot and sleeping around? Sure. But my life is really, really good. I consider myself lucky to have found the one for me when I did.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if your DD is happy, her boyfriend treats her well, she has her own life still .... it could be so, so much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS, 17, is in a way too serious relationship with his girlfriend. Yes, he is having sex.

Same here but a DD. It isn't even the actual sex that bothers me, it is the seriousness of the relationship. They are like a married couple. Both good kids, both excellent students with friends and outside activities but still... She is just too young.

NP here. I know I'm not either of you PPs so it's none of my business and I don't know your values or specific concerns about the relationships, but if it helps this doesn't have to be a bad thing. My parents were together since they were 16, they were each other's high school sweethearts, they've been married for decades now (at least 40 years, I forget the exact date) and their marriage is still incredibly strong and loving. Also, my best friends since high school have been together since they were 14 and have the strongest, healthiest, most beautifully supportive partnership of anyone I know.

I'm not saying all teen relationships are good, but they don't have to all be bad and if your child has found someone special, maybe life just didn't wait for them to be older, you know? Plus as long as everything is consensual and healthy, even if this isn't the person he or she will eventually marry, the relationship can still be a very cherished, valuable, good thing for both partners depending on how things work out.

[Anonymous]

Here's what is hard. DD has out of state BF and BF is one year younger. DD wants to go to college in the South. Average student and no plans for major. Is lucky she got in. BF who is very nice but is only a junior wants her to give up her dream and go to school closer to him. Not happening (can't get in, nowhere to live etc). So what should be a happy choice time with excitement about what's to come, she is sad and moaning, etc. I have no problem with their staying together but it kills me that she's so willing to pass up HER dream for a 17 year old boy. Yes, we could play hard ball but DD is prone to depression and well, it just gets complicated. This is so hard. Thank you for starting this thread; I feel so alone in trying to advise her, support her etc

[Anonymous]

Anxiety
Eating disorder
School avoidant
Can't get out of her own way ( makes good decisions actually but always sabotages them to end badly)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine has had mental health issues emerge. I guess they often do during adolescence but we were utterly unprepared. She also continues to be argumentative and oppositional, now with attitude thanks to normal teen behavior. I have tried everything to get her help but she is unwilling to participate so nothing helps. Trying to figure out if meds are appropriate now. Have no good support to help in that decision. Ped is useless for mental health. We've paid big money for a supposed expert psychiatrist (who, of course, doesn't take insurance) but we have found her very useless.

I had no idea it would be this hard. I see those innocent posts from the Expecting board and remember those days. Can't believe they led here. Why do we have kids?

Switch psychiatrists. It took us FOUR before we found help and when we did it was life changing. Stick with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:generally a pretty good kid, but made two poor choices about 2 years ago when he was 13 and just turned 14. poor choices came out of the blue and he has been doing well since, but I struggle with trusting him and forgiving him.

You need therapy. Seriously. I'm not being snarky, but this is not healthy on your part, and you MUST find a way to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anxiety
Eating disorder
School avoidant
Can't get out of her own way ( makes good decisions actually but always sabotages them to end badly)

This was my dd and she had adhd along with an eating disorder and anxiety. Something to consider if you haven't already