Need Help with My Mental Attitude Towards my DD

[Anonymous]

OP,
You can be a good parent, you probably are right now a good enough parent. And your DC is good enough.

I didn't read your post. Too long. And looks too intense. I have no idea why anyone would have this much to write about.

Lighten up. A LOT. and I bet everything will be ok.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are online coding classes. My son is very similar to your daughter in many ways, and he did a Java coding class through Youth Digital. He learned to make his own Minecraft mod. It was the first time I saw him do something and genuinely seem proud of himself for it (even though he's a smart kid who gets good grades). He was excited to show off his creations.

As for socialization, we took my DS out of public school, where he was flat-out overwhelmed by the number of other kids, and put him in a very small private school where there are only 12 other kids in his grade/class. It has been wonderful for him. Maybe that's not an option for you, but in looking for opportunities for her to expand her social horizons, remember to keep it small. Sports teams and dance classes with tons of other girls and a lot of chaos may be too much for her.

Also, don't beat yourself up about having dropped the ball on some things. We're a 2 FT working parent family, too, and it is HARD. You can't be perfect. What you can be is a safe place for your child to be herself and be loved for it.

[Anonymous]

Why won't you let your ten year old watch cnn? That shows an interest in the world and you are squelching it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I haven't read everything in this thread, but your DD sounds a bit like our DD, now in high school. My two older kids were always strong students with many interests and extracurriculars, whereas DD has always been more interested in just hanging around, watching Youtube videos and listening to music. School for her is a challenge, although she tries her best. We recently had her tested and sure enough, inattentive ADHD was the diagnosis. We recently started her on medication and it seems to be helping, along with tutoring and extra school support. She's still not the kid who has "passions" or a string of accomplishments, however we're trying our best to nurture what she enjoys. After years of doing very little, she did join a couple of school clubs and decided to take up guitar lessons. It's a start. By the way, nobody at school ever suggested we have our DD tested; I wish they had, but she's never been disruptive and I guess that enabled to her to fly under the radar.

[Anonymous]

You have gotten a lot of excellent advice but I just wanted to suggest that your daughter might enjoy an activity like Plated once a month that the two of you could do together. You choose the meals you want to make from their website and they send virtually everything. My husband and I started ordering it as a monthly at home date and really look forward to it. I can totally see it being a great mother/daughter activity for a kid interested in cooking.

Also, I was diagnosed with inattentive ADD when I was in college. I was told that many girls do fly under the radar because they are not disruptive in class and compensate for their problem areas. I also remember my guidance counselor in high school saying that she had never seen such a disparity in SAT scores as there was a 160 point difference between my verbal and math sections. At the time, she also said that if I had been a boy, more testing would have been ordered during my school years but as a well behaved girl who clearly was not stupid, I was shuffled along. I never went the meds route after diagnosis but benefited greatly from learning executive functioning techniques and other coping mechanisms.

Lastly, you sound like an awesome and concerned mom -- your daughter is a lucky girl!

[Anonymous]

Lots of good suggestions here, but also - giver her time and space to be bored! From boredom stems a lot of creativity, but now you've trained her that if she just sits there long enough, mom will come in and do something to entertain her. You aren't her cruise director. Keep the screen ban, and let her sit and stare into space for a days on end if that's what it takes. Soon enough, she'll come up with something to do and maybe start to find her real interests and passions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, kuddos to you for trying to figure out what's going on. A couple of things:

1. don't be so suspicious of her TV news interest. I was exactly like that. Remember Jones Town? Iran Hostage? I was 8-10 when both of those events happened and my parents could not drag me away from the TV. I'm now a documentary filmmaker. At about this time in development, kids start to understand the concept that bad things can and do happen. She's probably trying to grapple with that. For what it's worth, I'm an extremely empathetic person. Probably to a fault.

2. My husband, who is very smart, has ADHD and was not diagnosed until he was 52, probably because he was smart enough to do work arounds in school and thus fool his teachers. His mother still does not believe the diagnosis! Anyway, ADHD also looks very different in girls, and many teachers, given its higher prevalence in boys, are usually familiar with the more classic male symptoms. So just because teachers haven't said anything doesn't mean you shouldn't have her evaluated.

3. Often a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression means that you may start to see symptoms slightly earlier than the general population. Often that is pre-adolescence, as the hormones begin to change, especially in girls. So, I don't think you're being paranoid.

4. Please do not believe that you are either born creative or not. Such a load of crap!!! Creativity is expansive and is not just crafts; it's how you approach problem solving, how you interact with people, how you substitute one ingredient for another in a recipe. It requires effort and, most importantly, practice in the process of doing. So just begin small with something you know she has a kernel of interest in. How about taking her to the Newseum? And when you're there, notice what excites her. If it's gruesome, and she's not out back killing animals (!), explore some aspect of that. Just ask questions. I remember my dad asking me about Jonestown massacre, "How do you think he got those people to live in the jungle?" I don't think he meant it as a creative thinking exercise, but it was the first time I had ever really consciously wondered why people do the things they do. Try to stop criticizing her and figure out a way to reach her on her terms.

Good luck!

OP here. I lied, I can't stop checking this thread. Anyway, thank you for this, and especially for the last sentence. This is the kind of tough love I need to hear and I appreciate it. I do criticize her and I hate myself for it. The PP who suggested I go to therapy for this, I hear you. I've think both my DH and I need to do that b/c we're not approaching her on her terms and I don't want to damage her. I can already see the potential for it. But again, it's hard to know when to encourage, when encouragement goes over the line to pushing, and when to hang back.

Also, not sure if I mentioned this above, while we likes to play basketball in our driveway, she's adamant that she doesn't want to play on a team. She does do soccer, willingly. I can't push her to do anything, to be honest, she's pretty stubborn. I want to say that she has a lot of amazing qualities that I really admire. She knows her mind, is not afraid to challenge me, and loves loves loves playing with our dog (so no worries here that she's going to go in the alley and torture animals after seeing gruesome stuff at the newseum). I guess it's just human nature to worry about the negative stuff and not prioritize the positive stuff.

OP--you also need to realize that you are not alone in finding some aspects of your kid's personality irritating. PLEASE!! I think most of us do. The best advice I ever read on this front is to realize that almost all personality traits have a pro/con. She's stubborn-- guess what, she knows her mind and her ability to stick to her plans may serve her well in life. I think you should spend some time really thinking about her traits and what the positive aspects of them are. Then VOICE them to her and reinforce the positive. It will help her build confidence if you start telling her the positives. I have one kid who is intense. It's a pain in the butt a lot of the time, but I have come to realize the trick is to harness that intensity for goood.

[Anonymous]

The kid in my MS and HS who was a news junkie (and who had a learning disability, as it turned out) wound up being an executive producer for some important newsy programs and is now a communications director for a major special interest group.

Whaddaya know.

Stuff happens from stuff.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read all posts. Did you try a mother and daughter trip somewhere? - perhaps some where with an art scene- Santa Fe or somewhere not far with a unique festival, just a mother and daughter one on one trip . NYC would be a great option but maybe too hyperactive of a venue. Hiking, horseback trip. Horse therapy was great for my DD to learn empathy, care for an animal, to have an activity for herself., to talk with a therapist while caring for an animal. We had to drop it because too expensive. ...

Also, look for a mentor for her to spend time with. I hired a babysitter for once a week dates with my husband but I have her arrive early to spend an hour with DD. Hang in there, I hope she and both of you find a niche

[Anonymous]

OP, what you write about your DDs interest in CNN and lack of empathy reminds me about my older brother's daughter. Although there were a few things she said and did that concerned me, otherwise, she seemed like a happy and healthy girl. As a teenager, though, she became increasingly fixated on true crime shows. She'd sit and watch them all day during vacation. When she came to visit me in DC, she begged to go to the Holocaust museum. She'd been in a bad mood throughout the visit, but that changed at the museum. She literally skipped through the museum, beaming the whole time. Bad mood returned afterward, but she was happy during the time we were in the museum.

You won't be surprised to know she received diagnoses of very serious PD once she was old enough for official diagnoses.

I only know the limited amount of information you provide here, but here's my input, fwiw: be very proactive in working to support your DD's development of empathy. Get her involved in volunteer activities that don't have her just sitting on the sterile sidelines of human experience. Serving people in soup kitchens might be a good experience for her. I would even recommend therapy with a really well-recommended therapist, in addition to other appropriate interventions.

I wish we could turn back time to when my niece was 10 or 11 so that we could implement intensive measures to prevent what happened with her. Based on my research about this kind of approach, I think it's possible we could have turned things around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you write about your DDs interest in CNN and lack of empathy reminds me about my older brother's daughter. Although there were a few things she said and did that concerned me, otherwise, she seemed like a happy and healthy girl. As a teenager, though, she became increasingly fixated on true crime shows. She'd sit and watch them all day during vacation. When she came to visit me in DC, she begged to go to the Holocaust museum. She'd been in a bad mood throughout the visit, but that changed at the museum. She literally skipped through the museum, beaming the whole time. Bad mood returned afterward, but she was happy during the time we were in the museum.

You won't be surprised to know she received diagnoses of very serious PD once she was old enough for official diagnoses.

I only know the limited amount of information you provide here, but here's my input, fwiw: be very proactive in working to support your DD's development of empathy. Get her involved in volunteer activities that don't have her just sitting on the sterile sidelines of human experience. Serving people in soup kitchens might be a good experience for her. I would even recommend therapy with a really well-recommended therapist, in addition to other appropriate interventions.

I wish we could turn back time to when my niece was 10 or 11 so that we could implement intensive measures to prevent what happened with her. Based on my research about this kind of approach, I think it's possible we could have turned things around.

PD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what you write about your DDs interest in CNN and lack of empathy reminds me about my older brother's daughter. Although there were a few things she said and did that concerned me, otherwise, she seemed like a happy and healthy girl. As a teenager, though, she became increasingly fixated on true crime shows. She'd sit and watch them all day during vacation. When she came to visit me in DC, she begged to go to the Holocaust museum. She'd been in a bad mood throughout the visit, but that changed at the museum. She literally skipped through the museum, beaming the whole time. Bad mood returned afterward, but she was happy during the time we were in the museum.

You won't be surprised to know she received diagnoses of very serious PD once she was old enough for official diagnoses.

I only know the limited amount of information you provide here, but here's my input, fwiw: be very proactive in working to support your DD's development of empathy. Get her involved in volunteer activities that don't have her just sitting on the sterile sidelines of human experience. Serving people in soup kitchens might be a good experience for her. I would even recommend therapy with a really well-recommended therapist, in addition to other appropriate interventions.

I wish we could turn back time to when my niece was 10 or 11 so that we could implement intensive measures to prevent what happened with her. Based on my research about this kind of approach, I think it's possible we could have turned things around.

PD?

Personality Disorder, I'm guessing. Probably Antisocial or Narcissistic. I'm not sure it's helpful to scare the OP like this. I don't hear that DD is exhibiting serious antisocial traits or anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread! Daydreaming is unacceptable. Zero screen time is the only way to proceed. It's very likely "something" and likely ADHD.

I don't understand why you have taken away all video game time. Have you seen all the girl programmers and gamers? Maybe that IS her thing.

Agree that if she likes cooking you could follow it up.

Daydreaming as troublesome? That is PRECISELY how some creatives work. I was/am a huge daydreamer as is one of my sons, who also loves video games. I will suggest to him that after a time he needs to write those down (as do I) as that is the only way to move your ideas forward.

I didn't read closely enough to see how she was lacking empathy, but are you sure?

Also be very careful when trying to "diagnose" or "correct" your kid. We were concerned about school fit for our son that I mentioned, and we had him do the WISC. His scores came back horrible and the psychologist tried to convince us that he had ADHD. We were shocked, this was not our son. We spoke to his teacher and a counselor and they, too, were shocked and then went through all the benchmarks and confirmed that he was fine. He had also scored 99% on the school's standardized tests the week prior (after the WISC score stated would indicate he couldn't keep up with classwork). I'm not saying that your daughter doesn't have ADHD, but if you do get any kind of analysis, I would get a second and third opinion.

Finally, I'm going to end how you started....that a lot of it is your problem. Could it just be that this really is about you? I'm not saying you can't nudge your kid, or change how your family spends time. I even know how it can be difficult when your kid is not how like you or how you envisioned. But the title of your post is, "Need help with my attitude..." not "My daughter is addicted to video games and might have ADHD." I think that's telling. GL!

Very concerning post right there!
PP, your comprehension of special needs is astoundingly misinformed and this will, possibly, affect your son.

People with ADHD can be highly intelligent and perform extremely well because they have developed coping strategies. However, if and when they hit their threshold beyond which they cannot multitask, it all goes south. This often happens in high school when kids are really stressed juggling everything. It happened to me. My IQ is in the gifted range, but I can't multitask, have slow processing speed and procrastinate terribly. Plus the daydreaming! Nobody knew about inattentive ADHD back then, and my poor executive function skills in high school and undergrad precluded me from getting into the career path that I really wanted. I ended up in grad school in a different field, so it wasn't catastrophic, but still... some meds would perhaps have changed my life, literally.

People with ADHD are usually very creative. But they need to develop management skills to control their daydreaming and other habits. No one is saying daydreaming is bad! We are saying that it is a symptom of a brain that might need particular organizational help and impulse control. Right now the label is "ADHD" , but mental health research is in overdrive and it well be called something else in another decade.

Just keep an eye out, PP, for your son's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread! Daydreaming is unacceptable. Zero screen time is the only way to proceed. It's very likely "something" and likely ADHD.

I don't understand why you have taken away all video game time. Have you seen all the girl programmers and gamers? Maybe that IS her thing.

Agree that if she likes cooking you could follow it up.

Daydreaming as troublesome? That is PRECISELY how some creatives work. I was/am a huge daydreamer as is one of my sons, who also loves video games. I will suggest to him that after a time he needs to write those down (as do I) as that is the only way to move your ideas forward.

I didn't read closely enough to see how she was lacking empathy, but are you sure?

Also be very careful when trying to "diagnose" or "correct" your kid. We were concerned about school fit for our son that I mentioned, and we had him do the WISC. His scores came back horrible and the psychologist tried to convince us that he had ADHD. We were shocked, this was not our son. We spoke to his teacher and a counselor and they, too, were shocked and then went through all the benchmarks and confirmed that he was fine. He had also scored 99% on the school's standardized tests the week prior (after the WISC score stated would indicate he couldn't keep up with classwork). I'm not saying that your daughter doesn't have ADHD, but if you do get any kind of analysis, I would get a second and third opinion.

Finally, I'm going to end how you started....that a lot of it is your problem. Could it just be that this really is about you? I'm not saying you can't nudge your kid, or change how your family spends time. I even know how it can be difficult when your kid is not how like you or how you envisioned. But the title of your post is, "Need help with my attitude..." not "My daughter is addicted to video games and might have ADHD." I think that's telling. GL!

Very concerning post right there!
PP, your comprehension of special needs is astoundingly misinformed and this will, possibly, affect your son.

People with ADHD can be highly intelligent and perform extremely well because they have developed coping strategies. However, if and when they hit their threshold beyond which they cannot multitask, it all goes south. This often happens in high school when kids are really stressed juggling everything. It happened to me. My IQ is in the gifted range, but I can't multitask, have slow processing speed and procrastinate terribly. Plus the daydreaming! Nobody knew about inattentive ADHD back then, and my poor executive function skills in high school and undergrad precluded me from getting into the career path that I really wanted. I ended up in grad school in a different field, so it wasn't catastrophic, but still... some meds would perhaps have changed my life, literally.

People with ADHD are usually very creative. But they need to develop management skills to control their daydreaming and other habits. No one is saying daydreaming is bad! We are saying that it is a symptom of a brain that might need particular organizational help and impulse control. Right now the label is "ADHD" , but mental health research is in overdrive and it well be called something else in another decade.

Just keep an eye out, PP, for your son's sake.

A little kindness and courtesy would go a long way, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you do, as a parent, when you find yourself frustrated with your child's personality? I know this is my problem, not my DD's. She is who she is, but I am struggling with accepting her and at the same time, straddling the line between pushing her in certain ways and letting her be her. She is a sweet funny 10 year old girl, but she does not seem to be the least bit curious about the world around her, does not engage much in school (she tells me all the time that she hates school but wishes she liked it), is a little introverted around friends so she's not out there seeking to play with neighborhood kids, never wants to read or draw or create anything, just wants to play on a screen. I can understand the introversion (I was pretty introverted as a kid, and very sensitive to boot), but it drive me crazy to see her not want to engage in ANYTHING. We've taken all screens away from both her and her brother b/c things were getting out of hand. We were very lenient with screentime over the winter and had to go cold turkey but that's a different issue. But now when I tell her to go do something else, she just sits on the couch staring into space unless her younger brother begs her to come outside and play basketball. She has no empathy as far as I can tell (she begs me to let her watch CNN b/c it's "fun," needless to say we don't let her, and I gave her a long talk about how other people's misfortune is tragic and not fun in the least), has no interest in anything really.

I'm wracking my brain to think of ways that I can encourage her to be more curious, as well as to find activities that would suit her personality (i.e. taking her to the indoor rock climbing gym instead of pushing her to do girls on the run, which she refuses to do, although she does seem to like soccer), as well as find some volunteer activities for us as a family to build her empathy. But at the same time, I wonder, am I doing this for her or for me? Am I trying to turn her into someone she's not? Is this just normal kid stuff? It's hard, b/c my son is the opposite. He's curious about everything, loves school, loves playing with friends, total extrovert, out on his bike until it's too dark or cold, etc. I have trained myself (literally) not to compare them, but I worry also that DD is comparing herself to DS and I want her to have something, ANYTHING, to grab on to as her "thing" so that she can feel good and confident about herself. And yes, so that I can stop being so anxious about her. But I guess my main question is, is my anxiety warranted, and if not, how do I deal with it so that it doesn't affect her? I don't want to project my baggage on to her, but at the same time if there are ways I can push her a little, I want to try.

Did any of this make sense? I feel like I'm rambling.

What is she doing on the screens? Is there a chance it's not as passive as you think it is? If she's watching netflix for hours and hours, that could be a problem. But if she's engaging in an internet community (maybe because she is too introverted to have a large friend group IRL), playing engaging games that require problem solving skills, posting artistic photo's to instagram, etc, it may be more productive time than you realize. If she's not doing those things, could you encourage her to find ways to make her screen time productive? It might be less of a battle than taking screens away all together. She might enjoy creating digital artwork, writing a blog, etc.