Need Help with My Mental Attitude Towards my DD

[Anonymous]

pp here and just saw that you reposted OP, bravo for that insight!

It sounds hokey but when I'm upset with a kid I meditate on them before bed. I envision our heart linked together by an umbilical cord. Then, I think about everything I love about them. I have a journal that I write to them every birthday and mother's day with all the awesome things they've done and how much I love them. I will give it to them when they are 18.

[Anonymous]

Find a good dog agility class---if you like, I'll ask around and find a good trainer---and have her do that. It's fun, it's active, and so rewarding.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm reading through all of these posts. There are some non negotiables in our house for DS:

1. He needs to be involved in at least one physical extracurricular (not every season), but at least one per year.

2. He needs to be involved in one creative/intellectual pursuit- for him it's piano, but I would accept an art class, math club, cooking class, anything.

I'm mentioning this because you may need to "take the bull by the horns" so to speak. Insist upon some involvement in "life" that starts out as structured. I agree with the previous observations that your daughter was too wrapped up in screens and is now at loose ends.

I think many parents face this is a different format- imagine the kid whose every moment is structured. A long break hits and that kid (*my kid* is that kid when coming down from a busy semester) is suddenly a pain in the neck because they don't know what to do with that time. It takes some time to adjust to the reality of entertaining themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread! Daydreaming is unacceptable. Zero screen time is the only way to proceed. It's very likely "something" and likely ADHD.

I don't understand why you have taken away all video game time. Have you seen all the girl programmers and gamers? Maybe that IS her thing.

Agree that if she likes cooking you could follow it up.

Daydreaming as troublesome? That is PRECISELY how some creatives work. I was/am a huge daydreamer as is one of my sons, who also loves video games. I will suggest to him that after a time he needs to write those down (as do I) as that is the only way to move your ideas forward.

I didn't read closely enough to see how she was lacking empathy, but are you sure?

Also be very careful when trying to "diagnose" or "correct" your kid. We were concerned about school fit for our son that I mentioned, and we had him do the WISC. His scores came back horrible and the psychologist tried to convince us that he had ADHD. We were shocked, this was not our son. We spoke to his teacher and a counselor and they, too, were shocked and then went through all the benchmarks and confirmed that he was fine. He had also scored 99% on the school's standardized tests the week prior (after the WISC score stated would indicate he couldn't keep up with classwork). I'm not saying that your daughter doesn't have ADHD, but if you do get any kind of analysis, I would get a second and third opinion.

Finally, I'm going to end how you started....that a lot of it is your problem. Could it just be that this really is about you? I'm not saying you can't nudge your kid, or change how your family spends time. I even know how it can be difficult when your kid is not how like you or how you envisioned. But the title of your post is, "Need help with my attitude..." not "My daughter is addicted to video games and might have ADHD." I think that's telling. GL!

OP here, and yes, I still believe that a lot of this is about me. That's definitely where my head was when I started this thread, that it's not up to my daughter to change, it's up to me to change how I deal with her and how I perceive her. There's been a lot of good feedback here about that.

[Anonymous]

I didn't have any gripping interests as a kid, either. I think I spent a lot of time just... doing stuff because I was in a class or camp. As an introvert, I found many of these activities lonely, despite being surrounded by other kids.

HOWEVER.

I am glad I did them. I'm also glad that my parents--also introverts, but very activity and hobby focused--got me signed up for things that weren't all done with a group. So, I did things like swim team: Somewhat social, but a lot of time spent in the water. Art classes and piano lessons at home. I just preferred to do things on my own, I guess!

It is important to tell your child she is OK. She's loved, perfect, and growing up. But you're also going to make sure she's being exposed to a lot of different things, because one day she's going to feel a little stirring. Maybe it'll happen in HS. Maybe in college. But whenever it happens, she's going to want to have some "meat" in her system to act on. [Sorry, craptastic mixed metaphors.]

Does that make sense?

PS: I'm still an introvert, but I'm happy, get out, have hobbies, and am good at what I do. I'm soooo glad my parents sent me to foreign language camp, swim team, and all that. Because it kind of filled me up in ways maybe I wasn't aware of... until later.

[Anonymous]

I think many kids like news for the gruesome stuff. My DD is certainly one, and I've never thought it reflected a lack of empathy. She's very empathetic, just drawn to drama.

The more you write, OP, the more I'm concerned that your DD has depression. It sounds like she must feel like she is just all wrong because you've tried so hard to change what is her nature. How could she not feel like a screwup?

I was the one who suggested the therapist and I am going to suggest it even more strongly. Once she's a teen, unhappiness can take some pretty awful forms. Your goal should be to prevent her from becoming that unhappy kid and you need a lot of help to get there.

[Anonymous]

There is something called slow cognitive tempo (which doesn't mean slow as in not bright at all) that could be going on. Some researchers think it is more of a temperment and other that it's a subset of inattentive adhd. Think low activity level, low need for stimulation--none of this in a bad way, necessarily. It might be helpful to read about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many kids like news for the gruesome stuff. My DD is certainly one, and I've never thought it reflected a lack of empathy. She's very empathetic, just drawn to drama.

The more you write, OP, the more I'm concerned that your DD has depression. It sounds like she must feel like she is just all wrong because you've tried so hard to change what is her nature. How could she not feel like a screwup?

I was the one who suggested the therapist and I am going to suggest it even more strongly. Once she's a teen, unhappiness can take some pretty awful forms. Your goal should be to prevent her from becoming that unhappy kid and you need a lot of help to get there.

OP here. I don't want to get defensive but in my defense () I will say that we try to encourage her gently. I really REALLY try (and am very conscious of this) to not put it in the context of "everything about you is wrong, you should be doing x,y,z." I'm sure I don't succeed 100% of the time but please don't get the impression that all of my interactions with DD are negative. A lot of what I'm talking about is in my head, or in conversations with my DH. And honestly, while the ADHD thing may be true, I am not really seeing depression in her. I see introversion for sure, and some social anxiety perhaps, but not depression. Of course, I'm not a mental health expert and I do want to do whatever I can to help her so as always, appreciate your input.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can tell that you care an awful lot about your kids. Maybe your parents lack of interest in you growing up has steered you into becoming more or over involved in your kids lives. Also, an interest in CNN doesn't equate a "lack" of empathy.

I agree with PPs that you can't make someone creative. However, our extended families noticed that the time the cousins spent together over the holidays was being taken over by iPads. There was little interaction. We banned electronics at the last get together and the kids put on a play. Necessity truly is the mother of invention.

If she's interested in cooking/baking, I'd sign her up for a cooking class and this is something you guys can learn to do together.

Lastly, every bump in the road doesn't indicate ADHD or other learning disability. You do seem a little anxious, so you may want to talk to someone about your anxiety level. Before you go down the road of developmental pediatricians or neuropsych evaluations, take a look at yourself. If your kid was in need of assessment, you'd probably be getting other indications, like from teachers etc. An assessment of some kind may be in order but for now it sounds more like she is suffering primarily from electronics withdrawal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses are all very helpful, thank you. I have been wondering about ADHD, and other mental health issues. She does not seem depressed, in that she readily gets ready for school every day, wants to present herself nicely, wants to be on time for all things, wants to get her homework done (she doesn't love school itself but LOVES her teacher this year thank god). But yes, one of my sisters has dealt with depression and anxiety over the years, and I've seen her daughter (my niece) go through a lot of what my daughter is doing, and it does worry me. My niece is now 19, totally directionless, dropped out of college, has no interest in anything but texting, and is living at home with her dad (my sister's ex husband). Their family situation is very different than mine but I worry that I see certain seeds of similarity. I guess that was one of the reasons I asked this question in the first place. I don't want to ignore any burgeoning mental health issues but I also don't want to jump the gun and rush my DD to a therapist just because she's not as outgoing and into activities as other kids, you know? Like,where is that line between accepting differences and diagnosing them? I'm not judging any PPs who made that suggestion, honestly. I appreciate you bringing it up because it has been on my mind.

What would be the first step if we were to get her evaluated? Also, if there was an ADHD issue or learning disability, wouldn't a teacher raise it with us by now? DD is in 4th grade. I have been worried that maybe the reason she never wants to read when I suggest that she pick up a book (now that screens are off limits) is because of a reading disability. But she insists on reading every night before bedtime and when I ask her for the details of books she's reading, she is happy to talk to me about them. I just don't know. I feel like I'm overthinking everything and turning myself inside out over a girl who is fine and is just finding her way.

Anyway, any advice on where to start if we did want to get her evaluated would be appreciated. And I appreciate all the PPs about engaging with her to model creativity. That is something we (my DH and I ) admittedly don't do, based on our assumption that kids should just be curious and figure it out themselves. I'm telling you, I was seriously raised by wolves....

And there's your problem right there. Expecting other people to make decisions for you. Just because you were raised by wolves (so was I), have no clue, and no one is telling you what to think, it doesn't mean you should assume everything is all right. Teachers are overwhelmed and are not medical professionals. Plus, ADHD in girls is harder to detect given the fact that they often develop better coping strategies. It's all on you, OP! That's what parents are for, to make the hard decisions about their child's welfare. I know it's very difficult to parse what is normal and what's not. It took me years to convince DH (himself a doctor!) that I wanted to have DS evaluated.
You can start with asking your pediatrician or the Children with Special Needs forum for a doctor specializing in ADHD. My son was diagnosed by Dr. Conlon, but he has since retired. Expect a parent interview and a test for your DD. I paid $700 out of pocket years ago.

Good luck figuring everything out, OP.

I'm trying my best here, folks. I am perfectly willing and able to make the hard decisions. I just assumed that schools were on the lookout for ADHD and I guess I was wrong. Point taken.

Don't be too hard on yourself op. The schools and parents work together on this stuff. It could be that the teachers don't raise this issue because you haven't. And if your child is turning in homework and doing ok in school and not having trouble in school (academically or behaviorally), they aren't going to trouble you with it. You sound like you're doing a good job with your kids, and we all know that parenting isn't easy. You care and it shows, so don't be so hard on yourself.

+1

Also, kids with the inattentive type of ADHD are far more likely to fly under the radar & go undiagnosed, particularly if they are intelligent.

[Anonymous]

What is all this interest in making her a little Martha Stewart? How about a coding class or gaming camp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is all this interest in making her a little Martha Stewart? How about a coding class or gaming camp?

True 'nuff! Especially as she seems to like screen time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is all this interest in making her a little Martha Stewart? How about a coding class or gaming camp?

True 'nuff! Especially as she seems to like screen time.

OP here, and any/all of the above would be awesome. I think she would love to do a coding class or Lego robotics or something like that but she is so shy of boys and she pictures those classes and being very boy-dominated. Believe me, I've tried to talk her into those types of classes, since our school has them as after-school club options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is all this interest in making her a little Martha Stewart? How about a coding class or gaming camp?

True 'nuff! Especially as she seems to like screen time.

OP here, and any/all of the above would be awesome. I think she would love to do a coding class or Lego robotics or something like that but she is so shy of boys and she pictures those classes and being very boy-dominated. Believe me, I've tried to talk her into those types of classes, since our school has them as after-school club options.

Look for a girl-focused class. (my girl was one of two, then the ONLY girl in her lego engineering after school program. She dropped out because she said she didn't want to be the only girl. DAMMIT, LEGO NEEDS QUOTAS!!!) Or do them with her. Could be a good parent-kid bonding project.

Sometimes we got absorbed into gigantic puzzles as a family...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread! Daydreaming is unacceptable. Zero screen time is the only way to proceed. It's very likely "something" and likely ADHD.

I don't understand why you have taken away all video game time. Have you seen all the girl programmers and gamers? Maybe that IS her thing.

Agree that if she likes cooking you could follow it up.

Daydreaming as troublesome? That is PRECISELY how some creatives work. I was/am a huge daydreamer as is one of my sons, who also loves video games. I will suggest to him that after a time he needs to write those down (as do I) as that is the only way to move your ideas forward.

I didn't read closely enough to see how she was lacking empathy, but are you sure?

Also be very careful when trying to "diagnose" or "correct" your kid. We were concerned about school fit for our son that I mentioned, and we had him do the WISC. His scores came back horrible and the psychologist tried to convince us that he had ADHD. We were shocked, this was not our son. We spoke to his teacher and a counselor and they, too, were shocked and then went through all the benchmarks and confirmed that he was fine. He had also scored 99% on the school's standardized tests the week prior (after the WISC score stated would indicate he couldn't keep up with classwork). I'm not saying that your daughter doesn't have ADHD, but if you do get any kind of analysis, I would get a second and third opinion.

Finally, I'm going to end how you started....that a lot of it is your problem. Could it just be that this really is about you? I'm not saying you can't nudge your kid, or change how your family spends time. I even know how it can be difficult when your kid is not how like you or how you envisioned. But the title of your post is, "Need help with my attitude..." not "My daughter is addicted to video games and might have ADHD." I think that's telling. GL!

I have inattentive ADHD & generally scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests (without extra time or any other accommodations as I wasn't diagnosed until early adulthood). I also got straight As all through school & graduated summa cum laude from Columbia prior to being diagnosed. On the other hand, I was constantly loosing & forgetting things, was yelled by several elementary & middle school teachers for daydreaming in class, was sometimes perceived as rude because I would "space out" during conversations or fail to notice when somebody I knew said hello to me, ran late quite often because I would start doing or thinking about something & completely lose track of time, & was a terrible driver because I couldn't stay focused on the road. My life became immeasurably less frustrating once I was properly diagnosed & prescribed Adderall.

I'm not saying that the PP's son has ADHD -- it sounds like the psychologist may well have been off the mark in diagnosing him-- or that all daydreaming is negative. Daydreaming can be wonderful as long as one if ale to keep themselves from doing it at the wrong time (i.e. during a lesson in class, while driving, watching kids, etc.)! I'm just pointing out that doing well in school & on standardized tests are not mutually exclusive with ADHD & that having an undiagnosed learning disability such as inattentive ADHD can negatively one's life even if he or she is succeeding academically.