Need Help with My Mental Attitude Towards my DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ban all screen time and sign her up for various activities after school and for the summer. If you can afford it, hire a great tutor to help her with her homework and get her enthusiastic about excelling if the interest isn't there. This is what we did with a son who sounded a lot like your daughter.

The key, I think, is to ban all screen time. I know how hard it is but I sure as hell don't want some stoner-gamer for a teenager. We also found that with DS some of the more off-beat activities were more to his liking like cooking classes and fishing (and repairing antique reels).

Hate to say it but this is your problem. I have one teenager with an Iphone addiction and we just have to take the phone away - and have both kids do homework where we can see the screens. If I could parent all over again, I would have removed the T.V.s from the house and had only one computer for checking assignments or writing essays. If you don't nip the screen time in the bud at the beginning it will become an overwhelming problem and the child never learns to focus well enough to do substantive work in school or the workplace later on in life.

OP here. I 100% agree with you and the PPs, and that's why we've taken screens away and hidden the remote controls. If I could dismantle our satellite dish and throw out the TVs, believe me, I would, but I think my DH's head would explode. Plus, I do like watching certain things, like the Planet Earth and North America series', with my kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I've been kind of obsessively checking this thread all morning and just want to thank all of you for your encouragement and also for giving voice to some concerns that I'd buried but were obviously not too far from the surface. Heading back to work now and won't check this again til tonight but thank you all. I really appreciate your thoughts on this. I've been wanting to post this for a few weeks and I'm glad I finally did.

[Anonymous]

I would go a different direction to connect with her. I'd try mine craft and spend time doing it with her. Find out what she is interested in. This is such a creative game and can have a social element. I would also let her pick (ie: you have to do one sport but you may choose the sport). Finally, what do you do in your life that is fascinating or exciting? Role modeling might help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she likes cooking but you haven't signed her up for any cooking classes or cooked with her? You can't make someone creative. They either have it or don't.

No, I hadn't signed her up for classes. She and my son are in aftercare every day, and on the weekends she has Hebrew school and girl scouts and didn't want to do another class. But i'm not sure if I really believe that you can't make someone creative. I think some people are naturally creative and seek opportunities to create and other people need opportunities handed to them and have it sort of spoon-fed, and if that's not done, then it won't come out. I think my DD falls into the latter category and I need to man-up and do some spoon feeding even though it's not in my nature.

Okay. Let's say you convinced me of that. The problem with your approach though, is that creativity can take MANY different forms. For example, I can't draw or do traditional art to save my life, and I'm prissy so never want to do any art that's messy. But I can hear a song and choreograph a dance to it in my head. I can clothing shop for people I'm close with, and find things they really love. I can walk in your house and rearrange your furniture so the room flows better. I can solve problems like nobody's business. As a kid, none of those creative outlets were really available to me. I could make up awesome stories, but have horrible fine motor skills so hated writing since my penmanship was messy as hell. So it may have seemed like I was not at all creative. What if your idea of creative is not your daughter's?

She's into the news. You want her to be creative. Tell her to present a news story as a newscaster. Real or fiction is fine. Get her into it. Have her dress up. Sit her at a table. Film her doing it. Have her interview eye witnesses. Maybe she finds her life boring and likes the news because at least something is happening. Be creative in ways that draw on her interests. Let her watch Master Chef, Jr. Have her cook dinner with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses are all very helpful, thank you. I have been wondering about ADHD, and other mental health issues. She does not seem depressed, in that she readily gets ready for school every day, wants to present herself nicely, wants to be on time for all things, wants to get her homework done (she doesn't love school itself but LOVES her teacher this year thank god). But yes, one of my sisters has dealt with depression and anxiety over the years, and I've seen her daughter (my niece) go through a lot of what my daughter is doing, and it does worry me. My niece is now 19, totally directionless, dropped out of college, has no interest in anything but texting, and is living at home with her dad (my sister's ex husband). Their family situation is very different than mine but I worry that I see certain seeds of similarity. I guess that was one of the reasons I asked this question in the first place. I don't want to ignore any burgeoning mental health issues but I also don't want to jump the gun and rush my DD to a therapist just because she's not as outgoing and into activities as other kids, you know? Like,where is that line between accepting differences and diagnosing them? I'm not judging any PPs who made that suggestion, honestly. I appreciate you bringing it up because it has been on my mind.

What would be the first step if we were to get her evaluated? Also, if there was an ADHD issue or learning disability, wouldn't a teacher raise it with us by now? DD is in 4th grade. I have been worried that maybe the reason she never wants to read when I suggest that she pick up a book (now that screens are off limits) is because of a reading disability. But she insists on reading every night before bedtime and when I ask her for the details of books she's reading, she is happy to talk to me about them. I just don't know. I feel like I'm overthinking everything and turning myself inside out over a girl who is fine and is just finding her way.

Anyway, any advice on where to start if we did want to get her evaluated would be appreciated. And I appreciate all the PPs about engaging with her to model creativity. That is something we (my DH and I ) admittedly don't do, based on our assumption that kids should just be curious and figure it out themselves. I'm telling you, I was seriously raised by wolves....

And there's your problem right there. Expecting other people to make decisions for you. Just because you were raised by wolves (so was I), have no clue, and no one is telling you what to think, it doesn't mean you should assume everything is all right. Teachers are overwhelmed and are not medical professionals. Plus, ADHD in girls is harder to detect given the fact that they often develop better coping strategies. It's all on you, OP! That's what parents are for, to make the hard decisions about their child's welfare. I know it's very difficult to parse what is normal and what's not. It took me years to convince DH (himself a doctor!) that I wanted to have DS evaluated.
You can start with asking your pediatrician or the Children with Special Needs forum for a doctor specializing in ADHD. My son was diagnosed by Dr. Conlon, but he has since retired. Expect a parent interview and a test for your DD. I paid $700 out of pocket years ago.

Good luck figuring everything out, OP.

I'm trying my best here, folks. I am perfectly willing and able to make the hard decisions. I just assumed that schools were on the lookout for ADHD and I guess I was wrong. Point taken.

Don't be too hard on yourself op. The schools and parents work together on this stuff. It could be that the teachers don't raise this issue because you haven't. And if your child is turning in homework and doing ok in school and not having trouble in school (academically or behaviorally), they aren't going to trouble you with it. You sound like you're doing a good job with your kids, and we all know that parenting isn't easy. You care and it shows, so don't be so hard on yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds like there might be an issue, op. I would go to a dev ped, I think, or do a consult.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you spend some time with her on Pinterest looking at different projects, ideas etc. See what she is interested in and tackle something together.. Plan it out together, shop together and then do the project together.

I was a lot like your daughter. I became more outgoing later on.. (late junior high and high school). I loved doing things with my mom and she included me in everything she did including workout classes, shopping, re-doing the house, cooking, etc.

[Anonymous]

You cannot make your DD creative. You cannot make her an extrovert. You cannot make her curious about the world. The first thing you have to do is accept this. She is who she is and the longer you are distracted by your fictional vision of who she should be, the longer it will take you to acknowledge who she is. And your disappointment is almost certainly apparent to her.

I agree that she should be screened for ADHD and depression and maybe even an ASD, which shows up differently in girls than in boys. Rather than finding an ADHD specialist you should look for a developmental pediatrician who can do a global evaluation.

There may not be a diagnosis but you may get some insight into what is making her tick and some strategies.

Until then back off. Let her be. As much as you can, stop nagging and pushing. Find ways to give her positive feedback.

And if you really truly are having trouble accepting your DD as she is, you may want to see a therapist yourself to work through this.

[Anonymous]

I would also pursue the basketball angle and have her joined a team and take it from there. Be patient with it even if she may not take to it right of way. It is also something she'll have in common to share with her brother. She may find her calling by accident just like many. Sign both of them up, be patient and see where takes you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So she likes cooking but you haven't signed her up for any cooking classes or cooked with her? You can't make someone creative. They either have it or don't.

No, I hadn't signed her up for classes. She and my son are in aftercare every day, and on the weekends she has Hebrew school and girl scouts and didn't want to do another class. But i'm not sure if I really believe that you can't make someone creative. I think some people are naturally creative and seek opportunities to create and other people need opportunities handed to them and have it sort of spoon-fed, and if that's not done, then it won't come out. I think my DD falls into the latter category and I need to man-up and do some spoon feeding even though it's not in my nature.

Okay. Let's say you convinced me of that. The problem with your approach though, is that creativity can take MANY different forms. For example, I can't draw or do traditional art to save my life, and I'm prissy so never want to do any art that's messy. But I can hear a song and choreograph a dance to it in my head. I can clothing shop for people I'm close with, and find things they really love. I can walk in your house and rearrange your furniture so the room flows better. I can solve problems like nobody's business. As a kid, none of those creative outlets were really available to me. I could make up awesome stories, but have horrible fine motor skills so hated writing since my penmanship was messy as hell. So it may have seemed like I was not at all creative. What if your idea of creative is not your daughter's?

She's into the news. You want her to be creative. Tell her to present a news story as a newscaster. Real or fiction is fine. Get her into it. Have her dress up. Sit her at a table. Film her doing it. Have her interview eye witnesses. Maybe she finds her life boring and likes the news because at least something is happening. Be creative in ways that draw on her interests. Let her watch Master Chef, Jr. Have her cook dinner with you.

I think this is an interesting idea. How about she tell you about her day as "news", like a news presenter. I think there is a kid's website that has kid appropriate news stories.

[Anonymous]

She's 10. Shouldn't she have a bunch of activities? My parents didn't over-schedule me, but at various times of the year, I was taking dance, soccer, or music lessons.

[Anonymous]

OP, kuddos to you for trying to figure out what's going on. A couple of things:

1. don't be so suspicious of her TV news interest. I was exactly like that. Remember Jones Town? Iran Hostage? I was 8-10 when both of those events happened and my parents could not drag me away from the TV. I'm now a documentary filmmaker. At about this time in development, kids start to understand the concept that bad things can and do happen. She's probably trying to grapple with that. For what it's worth, I'm an extremely empathetic person. Probably to a fault.

2. My husband, who is very smart, has ADHD and was not diagnosed until he was 52, probably because he was smart enough to do work arounds in school and thus fool his teachers. His mother still does not believe the diagnosis! Anyway, ADHD also looks very different in girls, and many teachers, given its higher prevalence in boys, are usually familiar with the more classic male symptoms. So just because teachers haven't said anything doesn't mean you shouldn't have her evaluated.

3. Often a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression means that you may start to see symptoms slightly earlier than the general population. Often that is pre-adolescence, as the hormones begin to change, especially in girls. So, I don't think you're being paranoid.

4. Please do not believe that you are either born creative or not. Such a load of crap!!! Creativity is expansive and is not just crafts; it's how you approach problem solving, how you interact with people, how you substitute one ingredient for another in a recipe. It requires effort and, most importantly, practice in the process of doing. So just begin small with something you know she has a kernel of interest in. How about taking her to the Newseum? And when you're there, notice what excites her. If it's gruesome, and she's not out back killing animals (!), explore some aspect of that. Just ask questions. I remember my dad asking me about Jonestown massacre, "How do you think he got those people to live in the jungle?" I don't think he meant it as a creative thinking exercise, but it was the first time I had ever really consciously wondered why people do the things they do. Try to stop criticizing her and figure out a way to reach her on her terms.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, kuddos to you for trying to figure out what's going on. A couple of things:

1. don't be so suspicious of her TV news interest. I was exactly like that. Remember Jones Town? Iran Hostage? I was 8-10 when both of those events happened and my parents could not drag me away from the TV. I'm now a documentary filmmaker. At about this time in development, kids start to understand the concept that bad things can and do happen. She's probably trying to grapple with that. For what it's worth, I'm an extremely empathetic person. Probably to a fault.

2. My husband, who is very smart, has ADHD and was not diagnosed until he was 52, probably because he was smart enough to do work arounds in school and thus fool his teachers. His mother still does not believe the diagnosis! Anyway, ADHD also looks very different in girls, and many teachers, given its higher prevalence in boys, are usually familiar with the more classic male symptoms. So just because teachers haven't said anything doesn't mean you shouldn't have her evaluated.

3. Often a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression means that you may start to see symptoms slightly earlier than the general population. Often that is pre-adolescence, as the hormones begin to change, especially in girls. So, I don't think you're being paranoid.

4. Please do not believe that you are either born creative or not. Such a load of crap!!! Creativity is expansive and is not just crafts; it's how you approach problem solving, how you interact with people, how you substitute one ingredient for another in a recipe. It requires effort and, most importantly, practice in the process of doing. So just begin small with something you know she has a kernel of interest in. How about taking her to the Newseum? And when you're there, notice what excites her. If it's gruesome, and she's not out back killing animals (!), explore some aspect of that. Just ask questions. I remember my dad asking me about Jonestown massacre, "How do you think he got those people to live in the jungle?" I don't think he meant it as a creative thinking exercise, but it was the first time I had ever really consciously wondered why people do the things they do. Try to stop criticizing her and figure out a way to reach her on her terms.

Good luck!

OP here. I lied, I can't stop checking this thread. Anyway, thank you for this, and especially for the last sentence. This is the kind of tough love I need to hear and I appreciate it. I do criticize her and I hate myself for it. The PP who suggested I go to therapy for this, I hear you. I've think both my DH and I need to do that b/c we're not approaching her on her terms and I don't want to damage her. I can already see the potential for it. But again, it's hard to know when to encourage, when encouragement goes over the line to pushing, and when to hang back.

Also, not sure if I mentioned this above, while we likes to play basketball in our driveway, she's adamant that she doesn't want to play on a team. She does do soccer, willingly. I can't push her to do anything, to be honest, she's pretty stubborn. I want to say that she has a lot of amazing qualities that I really admire. She knows her mind, is not afraid to challenge me, and loves loves loves playing with our dog (so no worries here that she's going to go in the alley and torture animals after seeing gruesome stuff at the newseum). I guess it's just human nature to worry about the negative stuff and not prioritize the positive stuff.

[Anonymous]

Can you find a volunteer opportunity for her at your local animal shelter or a rescue group? What about a nature center?

[Anonymous]

Whoa, I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread! Daydreaming is unacceptable. Zero screen time is the only way to proceed. It's very likely "something" and likely ADHD.

I don't understand why you have taken away all video game time. Have you seen all the girl programmers and gamers? Maybe that IS her thing.

Agree that if she likes cooking you could follow it up.

Daydreaming as troublesome? That is PRECISELY how some creatives work. I was/am a huge daydreamer as is one of my sons, who also loves video games. I will suggest to him that after a time he needs to write those down (as do I) as that is the only way to move your ideas forward.

I didn't read closely enough to see how she was lacking empathy, but are you sure?

Also be very careful when trying to "diagnose" or "correct" your kid. We were concerned about school fit for our son that I mentioned, and we had him do the WISC. His scores came back horrible and the psychologist tried to convince us that he had ADHD. We were shocked, this was not our son. We spoke to his teacher and a counselor and they, too, were shocked and then went through all the benchmarks and confirmed that he was fine. He had also scored 99% on the school's standardized tests the week prior (after the WISC score stated would indicate he couldn't keep up with classwork). I'm not saying that your daughter doesn't have ADHD, but if you do get any kind of analysis, I would get a second and third opinion.

Finally, I'm going to end how you started....that a lot of it is your problem. Could it just be that this really is about you? I'm not saying you can't nudge your kid, or change how your family spends time. I even know how it can be difficult when your kid is not how like you or how you envisioned. But the title of your post is, "Need help with my attitude..." not "My daughter is addicted to video games and might have ADHD." I think that's telling. GL!