Need Help with My Mental Attitude Towards my DD

[Anonymous]

She sounds depressed or something similar. Disengaged at school even though she wants to like it. Doesn't want to do anything but sit in front of the TV. Enjoys watching CNN and "enjoying" the tragedies are also a sign of depression. Op, you say both your sisters have issues. Do mental illnesses run in your family?

[Anonymous]

Take her to ACMoore on Saturday and tell her she has $50 dollars to spend on anything she wants. Also tell her if it's a project that's hard, you will help her if she wants, but if she wants to do it herself that's fine.

Creativity really has to be modeled, so while you're there pick up a wooden birdhouse to paint etc.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to dig way deeper instead of letting it go, OP. Lack of empathy is concerning, as well as staring into space. None of these are within the range of normal. They are, however, symptoms in such syndromes as inattentive ADHD and high-functioning forms of autism.

My 9 year old was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. He cannot help daydreaming and being off in his own world. He can also show a lack of empathy, probably because he has difficulty understanding social relationship. He has a couple of friends and that's it. His school provides accommodations for his inattention, as well as a social skills group.

We have encouraged all sorts of age-inappropriate interests that are academically inclined, because that's who he is and we want to support him. He reads grown-up books, he watches the news, he reads the newspapers. We are very careful to give him the appropriate framework and context for the news, which means he has in-depth knowledge of 20th century history (and before that as well). That gives him an unusually mature understanding of current events. Some of his IQ test subscores put him in the gifted range, although his grades at school are average because his never pays attention.

Play to her strengths. It's very important for her self-esteem. She may hate school because she has a learning disability that is not taken care of. You might want to have her evaluated for ADHD, inattentive type.

[Anonymous]

PP again - I read through the whole thread and wanted to add that DS cannot do open-ended creative projects because he has poor executive function skills, which interfere with planning and organizing a task. That is hallmark of ADHD.
Also, you say your family members had/have issues - could they be similar? ADHD and other disorders run in families.

[Anonymous]

My oldest son is like this. I have found that the best thing to do is offer but don't force, accept his interests and find ways we can connect. if I were you I'd watch CNN with my daughter. Excellent opportunity to connect and to discuss empathy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. These responses are all very helpful, thank you. I have been wondering about ADHD, and other mental health issues. She does not seem depressed, in that she readily gets ready for school every day, wants to present herself nicely, wants to be on time for all things, wants to get her homework done (she doesn't love school itself but LOVES her teacher this year thank god). But yes, one of my sisters has dealt with depression and anxiety over the years, and I've seen her daughter (my niece) go through a lot of what my daughter is doing, and it does worry me. My niece is now 19, totally directionless, dropped out of college, has no interest in anything but texting, and is living at home with her dad (my sister's ex husband). Their family situation is very different than mine but I worry that I see certain seeds of similarity. I guess that was one of the reasons I asked this question in the first place. I don't want to ignore any burgeoning mental health issues but I also don't want to jump the gun and rush my DD to a therapist just because she's not as outgoing and into activities as other kids, you know? Like,where is that line between accepting differences and diagnosing them? I'm not judging any PPs who made that suggestion, honestly. I appreciate you bringing it up because it has been on my mind.

What would be the first step if we were to get her evaluated? Also, if there was an ADHD issue or learning disability, wouldn't a teacher raise it with us by now? DD is in 4th grade. I have been worried that maybe the reason she never wants to read when I suggest that she pick up a book (now that screens are off limits) is because of a reading disability. But she insists on reading every night before bedtime and when I ask her for the details of books she's reading, she is happy to talk to me about them. I just don't know. I feel like I'm overthinking everything and turning myself inside out over a girl who is fine and is just finding her way.

Anyway, any advice on where to start if we did want to get her evaluated would be appreciated. And I appreciate all the PPs about engaging with her to model creativity. That is something we (my DH and I ) admittedly don't do, based on our assumption that kids should just be curious and figure it out themselves. I'm telling you, I was seriously raised by wolves....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ban all screen time and sign her up for various activities after school and for the summer. If you can afford it, hire a great tutor to help her with her homework and get her enthusiastic about excelling if the interest isn't there. This is what we did with a son who sounded a lot like your daughter.

The key, I think, is to ban all screen time. I know how hard it is but I sure as hell don't want some stoner-gamer for a teenager. We also found that with DS some of the more off-beat activities were more to his liking like cooking classes and fishing (and repairing antique reels).

OP here. Our kids do sound alike. The one thing that really got my DD excited earlier this year was when we attempted to do a kids baking challenge at home, like the one they were doing on the food network. I've never seen her so excited, honestly, and then I kind of dropped the ball and didn't pursue it after we did it. I actually don't find it hard to take away the screens, I find it very empowering. that's how bad it had gotten in my house. The final straw was when DD got so excited to show me what she'd "accomplished" on dragonville, which was basically to add more random people ot her island. It wasn't hard to take away all screens at that point. My DS was also abusing screentime, watching youtube videos of other people's minecraft stuff. I put all screens (and remote controls) in a closet on the top shelf and I'm feeling pretty happy about that.

So look for something like this. I'm surprised, given how worried you are about her, that you didn't make more of an effort to encourage this. If she likes cooking and baking, that's great--they are important life skills; teach things like attention to detail, following directions, planning a project, etc.; and can be great outlets for creativity. Check the Food Network web site to see if they have similar activities. Involve your daughter in planning and cooking meals and treats for the family. Maybe look for a kids' cooking class she could try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ban all screen time and sign her up for various activities after school and for the summer. If you can afford it, hire a great tutor to help her with her homework and get her enthusiastic about excelling if the interest isn't there. This is what we did with a son who sounded a lot like your daughter.

The key, I think, is to ban all screen time. I know how hard it is but I sure as hell don't want some stoner-gamer for a teenager. We also found that with DS some of the more off-beat activities were more to his liking like cooking classes and fishing (and repairing antique reels).

OP here. Our kids do sound alike. The one thing that really got my DD excited earlier this year was when we attempted to do a kids baking challenge at home, like the one they were doing on the food network. I've never seen her so excited, honestly, and then I kind of dropped the ball and didn't pursue it after we did it. I actually don't find it hard to take away the screens, I find it very empowering. that's how bad it had gotten in my house. The final straw was when DD got so excited to show me what she'd "accomplished" on dragonville, which was basically to add more random people ot her island. It wasn't hard to take away all screens at that point. My DS was also abusing screentime, watching youtube videos of other people's minecraft stuff. I put all screens (and remote controls) in a closet on the top shelf and I'm feeling pretty happy about that.

So look for something like this. I'm surprised, given how worried you are about her, that you didn't make more of an effort to encourage this. If she likes cooking and baking, that's great--they are important life skills; teach things like attention to detail, following directions, planning a project, etc.; and can be great outlets for creativity. Check the Food Network web site to see if they have similar activities. Involve your daughter in planning and cooking meals and treats for the family. Maybe look for a kids' cooking class she could try.

You're right. I'm not blameless here. It's hard to fit everything in (DH and I both work FT) and sometimes worrying takes over the part of my brain that could be doing things like figuring out how to encourage her to bake/cook. It's time for me to wrap my head around looking at this from a more positive perspective and see it as a way to get closer to her.

[Anonymous]

So she likes cooking but you haven't signed her up for any cooking classes or cooked with her? You can't make someone creative. They either have it or don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses are all very helpful, thank you. I have been wondering about ADHD, and other mental health issues. She does not seem depressed, in that she readily gets ready for school every day, wants to present herself nicely, wants to be on time for all things, wants to get her homework done (she doesn't love school itself but LOVES her teacher this year thank god). But yes, one of my sisters has dealt with depression and anxiety over the years, and I've seen her daughter (my niece) go through a lot of what my daughter is doing, and it does worry me. My niece is now 19, totally directionless, dropped out of college, has no interest in anything but texting, and is living at home with her dad (my sister's ex husband). Their family situation is very different than mine but I worry that I see certain seeds of similarity. I guess that was one of the reasons I asked this question in the first place. I don't want to ignore any burgeoning mental health issues but I also don't want to jump the gun and rush my DD to a therapist just because she's not as outgoing and into activities as other kids, you know? Like,where is that line between accepting differences and diagnosing them? I'm not judging any PPs who made that suggestion, honestly. I appreciate you bringing it up because it has been on my mind.

What would be the first step if we were to get her evaluated? Also, if there was an ADHD issue or learning disability, wouldn't a teacher raise it with us by now? DD is in 4th grade. I have been worried that maybe the reason she never wants to read when I suggest that she pick up a book (now that screens are off limits) is because of a reading disability. But she insists on reading every night before bedtime and when I ask her for the details of books she's reading, she is happy to talk to me about them. I just don't know. I feel like I'm overthinking everything and turning myself inside out over a girl who is fine and is just finding her way.

Anyway, any advice on where to start if we did want to get her evaluated would be appreciated. And I appreciate all the PPs about engaging with her to model creativity. That is something we (my DH and I ) admittedly don't do, based on our assumption that kids should just be curious and figure it out themselves. I'm telling you, I was seriously raised by wolves....

And there's your problem right there. Expecting other people to make decisions for you. Just because you were raised by wolves (so was I), have no clue, and no one is telling you what to think, it doesn't mean you should assume everything is all right. Teachers are overwhelmed and are not medical professionals. Plus, ADHD in girls is harder to detect given the fact that they often develop better coping strategies. It's all on you, OP! That's what parents are for, to make the hard decisions about their child's welfare. I know it's very difficult to parse what is normal and what's not. It took me years to convince DH (himself a doctor!) that I wanted to have DS evaluated.
You can start with asking your pediatrician or the Children with Special Needs forum for a doctor specializing in ADHD. My son was diagnosed by Dr. Conlon, but he has since retired. Expect a parent interview and a test for your DD. I paid $700 out of pocket years ago.

Good luck figuring everything out, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. These responses are all very helpful, thank you. I have been wondering about ADHD, and other mental health issues. She does not seem depressed, in that she readily gets ready for school every day, wants to present herself nicely, wants to be on time for all things, wants to get her homework done (she doesn't love school itself but LOVES her teacher this year thank god). But yes, one of my sisters has dealt with depression and anxiety over the years, and I've seen her daughter (my niece) go through a lot of what my daughter is doing, and it does worry me. My niece is now 19, totally directionless, dropped out of college, has no interest in anything but texting, and is living at home with her dad (my sister's ex husband). Their family situation is very different than mine but I worry that I see certain seeds of similarity. I guess that was one of the reasons I asked this question in the first place. I don't want to ignore any burgeoning mental health issues but I also don't want to jump the gun and rush my DD to a therapist just because she's not as outgoing and into activities as other kids, you know? Like,where is that line between accepting differences and diagnosing them? I'm not judging any PPs who made that suggestion, honestly. I appreciate you bringing it up because it has been on my mind.

What would be the first step if we were to get her evaluated? Also, if there was an ADHD issue or learning disability, wouldn't a teacher raise it with us by now? DD is in 4th grade. I have been worried that maybe the reason she never wants to read when I suggest that she pick up a book (now that screens are off limits) is because of a reading disability. But she insists on reading every night before bedtime and when I ask her for the details of books she's reading, she is happy to talk to me about them. I just don't know. I feel like I'm overthinking everything and turning myself inside out over a girl who is fine and is just finding her way.

Anyway, any advice on where to start if we did want to get her evaluated would be appreciated. And I appreciate all the PPs about engaging with her to model creativity. That is something we (my DH and I ) admittedly don't do, based on our assumption that kids should just be curious and figure it out themselves. I'm telling you, I was seriously raised by wolves....

And there's your problem right there. Expecting other people to make decisions for you. Just because you were raised by wolves (so was I), have no clue, and no one is telling you what to think, it doesn't mean you should assume everything is all right. Teachers are overwhelmed and are not medical professionals. Plus, ADHD in girls is harder to detect given the fact that they often develop better coping strategies. It's all on you, OP! That's what parents are for, to make the hard decisions about their child's welfare. I know it's very difficult to parse what is normal and what's not. It took me years to convince DH (himself a doctor!) that I wanted to have DS evaluated.
You can start with asking your pediatrician or the Children with Special Needs forum for a doctor specializing in ADHD. My son was diagnosed by Dr. Conlon, but he has since retired. Expect a parent interview and a test for your DD. I paid $700 out of pocket years ago.

Good luck figuring everything out, OP.

I'm trying my best here, folks. I am perfectly willing and able to make the hard decisions. I just assumed that schools were on the lookout for ADHD and I guess I was wrong. Point taken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she likes cooking but you haven't signed her up for any cooking classes or cooked with her? You can't make someone creative. They either have it or don't.

No, I hadn't signed her up for classes. She and my son are in aftercare every day, and on the weekends she has Hebrew school and girl scouts and didn't want to do another class. But i'm not sure if I really believe that you can't make someone creative. I think some people are naturally creative and seek opportunities to create and other people need opportunities handed to them and have it sort of spoon-fed, and if that's not done, then it won't come out. I think my DD falls into the latter category and I need to man-up and do some spoon feeding even though it's not in my nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So look for something like this. I'm surprised, given how worried you are about her, that you didn't make more of an effort to encourage this. If she likes cooking and baking, that's great--they are important life skills; teach things like attention to detail, following directions, planning a project, etc.; and can be great outlets for creativity. Check the Food Network web site to see if they have similar activities. Involve your daughter in planning and cooking meals and treats for the family. Maybe look for a kids' cooking class she could try.

You're right. I'm not blameless here. It's hard to fit everything in (DH and I both work FT) and sometimes worrying takes over the part of my brain that could be doing things like figuring out how to encourage her to bake/cook. It's time for me to wrap my head around looking at this from a more positive perspective and see it as a way to get closer to her.

This. If your daughter is having a hard time finding her niche, then it might involve a little more heavy lifting on your end, but it's also an opportunity. Plus, how awesome would it be for your family if she liked to cook?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So look for something like this. I'm surprised, given how worried you are about her, that you didn't make more of an effort to encourage this. If she likes cooking and baking, that's great--they are important life skills; teach things like attention to detail, following directions, planning a project, etc.; and can be great outlets for creativity. Check the Food Network web site to see if they have similar activities. Involve your daughter in planning and cooking meals and treats for the family. Maybe look for a kids' cooking class she could try.

You're right. I'm not blameless here. It's hard to fit everything in (DH and I both work FT) and sometimes worrying takes over the part of my brain that could be doing things like figuring out how to encourage her to bake/cook. It's time for me to wrap my head around looking at this from a more positive perspective and see it as a way to get closer to her.

This. If your daughter is having a hard time finding her niche, then it might involve a little more heavy lifting on your end, but it's also an opportunity. Plus, how awesome would it be for your family if she liked to cook?

OP here, thank you. It is an opportunity. I was not close to my mom when I was a teenager and dealt with a lot of stuff on my own, and it's shaped our dysfunctional relationship and I don't want that for my daughter and I. I know it may happen anyway, but maybe I can stem the tide by being more hands-on with her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ban all screen time and sign her up for various activities after school and for the summer. If you can afford it, hire a great tutor to help her with her homework and get her enthusiastic about excelling if the interest isn't there. This is what we did with a son who sounded a lot like your daughter.

The key, I think, is to ban all screen time. I know how hard it is but I sure as hell don't want some stoner-gamer for a teenager. We also found that with DS some of the more off-beat activities were more to his liking like cooking classes and fishing (and repairing antique reels).

Hate to say it but this is your problem. I have one teenager with an Iphone addiction and we just have to take the phone away - and have both kids do homework where we can see the screens. If I could parent all over again, I would have removed the T.V.s from the house and had only one computer for checking assignments or writing essays. If you don't nip the screen time in the bud at the beginning it will become an overwhelming problem and the child never learns to focus well enough to do substantive work in school or the workplace later on in life.