Really, how do I make friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But the reality is that most people in their 30s already have all the friends and family they need. I found it very difficult to make friends here because everyone is so crazy busy and just don't have the time or interest. Our neighborhood is unfriendly and neighbors are not interested in getting to know us. My husband hasn't been able to make any friends here--not at work or though sports. It's really hard! I am hoping to finally find a sense of community once my kids are in school.

OP here. I think this is a huge part of the problem. Inertia, you know? The 30's are just not a great time to be meeting new people.

Also, I think I mentioned, but if not, I will again. I have a sitter. I don't take care of DC myself during the day, so skipping out to go to the park and library time won't work. That's another big problem. I've been looking for groups that meet over lunch time but have not found anything so far. We can definitely do the park every Saturday morning though. About bringing snacks for other children, are the parents ok with that? I'd think they wouldn't be and don't want to unintentionally do something wrong.

NP here. I don't necessarily think this is true. We moved to DC with an infant and toddler in our 30's. I felt very discouraged and didn't know anyone. I was lonely for a long time. When you become a new mom, it is a very good time to make new friends.

Your kids start dictating your friends in your 30's. I find that we hang out with families where all parties get along. Husbands needs to get along. Wives get along. Kids get along. If one is off, you don't meet up as often since most of the get togethers are on the weekends.

I made a few friends when my kids were babies. Their kids are girls. I have boys. I still consider them friends but we don't hang out as much because our kids are not very interested in one another and interests are different. We do often hang out with local families we met through school because it is so convenient and our kids play well together. We met up at the park, do bbqs, go to the pool, etc.

[Anonymous]

PP here who believes that people in their 30s already have all the friends they need and aren't looking for more. I have found this to be very true in the suburbs. When you've moved out to the suburbs, it's more likely that you've decided to stay in the area because you grew up here/went to school here/have family here or spouse has family here. That probably means that you have a large circle of friends and family already and aren't looking to make more friends. That has been my experience out in the suburbs. When I worked full-time, and lived in the suburbs and worked in a suburban office, I was the only person in my office of 40 people who was not from this area (and most of my co-workers were in their 30s). Nearly everyone I meet as a new mom is from this area. Their lives are "crazy busy" and they don't have time to make new friends. I'm always amazed how full most moms' social calendars seem to be. Our social calendar is pretty much always empty. I reach out to other moms to try to get together outside of gym class, mommy and me, etc. and my invitations are declined 99% of the time. My husband has given up trying to make friends and says that no one wants to be friends with us because they already have tons of friends, so we should just get used to being lonely and alone. I think he's right, sadly enough. We've been here several years so far and I've only been able to make 2 friends here.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP I feel for for you! Does your babysitter take your child to the park or set up playdates? If so, get her to get your child's friends parents contact info so you can set up park play dates, etc, and get to know the the parents. Have you thought about having a little neighborhood big or potluck? Nice way to meet people and it's always good to know your neighbors. Echoing what other posters have said eventually your child will be in school and you will have more social interaction that way. What about your husband's co-worker's? You all would try to have go to dinner with them. Good luck! Your kids early years can feel the most isolating--especially of you are working from home. I know, I've been there. I promise it gets better. Also, make sure to make time for yourself--running, getting your hair sone, what ever--it will help your sanity. Mommy guilt does not benefit anyone.

[Anonymous]

I'm from a very small Midwestern town. We all go to church, the diner, the general store, the community center, or the gym in the surrounding small towns. You're a consultant with a young child. Go out for lunch. Go to church whether you're religious or not. There are plenty of things you can do as a working mom to get out there.

[Anonymous]

Make time for a hobby or volunteer to make friends. Sometimes volunteer groups are cliquish and difficult to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here who believes that people in their 30s already have all the friends they need and aren't looking for more. I have found this to be very true in the suburbs. When you've moved out to the suburbs, it's more likely that you've decided to stay in the area because you grew up here/went to school here/have family here or spouse has family here. That probably means that you have a large circle of friends and family already and aren't looking to make more friends. That has been my experience out in the suburbs. When I worked full-time, and lived in the suburbs and worked in a suburban office, I was the only person in my office of 40 people who was not from this area (and most of my co-workers were in their 30s). Nearly everyone I meet as a new mom is from this area. Their lives are "crazy busy" and they don't have time to make new friends. I'm always amazed how full most moms' social calendars seem to be. Our social calendar is pretty much always empty. I reach out to other moms to try to get together outside of gym class, mommy and me, etc. and my invitations are declined 99% of the time. My husband has given up trying to make friends and says that no one wants to be friends with us because they already have tons of friends, so we should just get used to being lonely and alone. I think he's right, sadly enough. We've been here several years so far and I've only been able to make 2 friends here.

How old are your kids?

I am the previous poster who moved to DC in my 30's with a toddler and infant. I am a mom with a crazy busy schedule. Our kids now attend preschool and elem school. Between homework, sports, extracurricular activities during the week and birthday parties, bbqs, play dates, etc on the weekends, we always have packed plans.

Most of the friends we see on an everyday basis live within a 5 mile radius and either attend school with our kids or do an extracurricular activity. Some friends lived here all their lives. Others moved here after college. The one thing we have in common are our kids and that is why we hang out and became friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here who believes that people in their 30s already have all the friends they need and aren't looking for more. I have found this to be very true in the suburbs. When you've moved out to the suburbs, it's more likely that you've decided to stay in the area because you grew up here/went to school here/have family here or spouse has family here. That probably means that you have a large circle of friends and family already and aren't looking to make more friends. That has been my experience out in the suburbs. When I worked full-time, and lived in the suburbs and worked in a suburban office, I was the only person in my office of 40 people who was not from this area (and most of my co-workers were in their 30s). Nearly everyone I meet as a new mom is from this area. Their lives are "crazy busy" and they don't have time to make new friends. I'm always amazed how full most moms' social calendars seem to be. Our social calendar is pretty much always empty. I reach out to other moms to try to get together outside of gym class, mommy and me, etc. and my invitations are declined 99% of the time. My husband has given up trying to make friends and says that no one wants to be friends with us because they already have tons of friends, so we should just get used to being lonely and alone. I think he's right, sadly enough. We've been here several years so far and I've only been able to make 2 friends here.

How old are your kids?

I am the previous poster who moved to DC in my 30's with a toddler and infant. I am a mom with a crazy busy schedule. Our kids now attend preschool and elem school. Between homework, sports, extracurricular activities during the week and birthday parties, bbqs, play dates, etc on the weekends, we always have packed plans.

Most of the friends we see on an everyday basis live within a 5 mile radius and either attend school with our kids or do an extracurricular activity. Some friends lived here all their lives. Others moved here after college. The one thing we have in common are our kids and that is why we hang out and became friends.

PP here. I have an infant and toddler. I'm a SAHM. So they are not in school yet. We never have any social plans. Moms don't seem interested in being friends with me. I'm super lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here who believes that people in their 30s already have all the friends they need and aren't looking for more. I have found this to be very true in the suburbs. When you've moved out to the suburbs, it's more likely that you've decided to stay in the area because you grew up here/went to school here/have family here or spouse has family here. That probably means that you have a large circle of friends and family already and aren't looking to make more friends. That has been my experience out in the suburbs. When I worked full-time, and lived in the suburbs and worked in a suburban office, I was the only person in my office of 40 people who was not from this area (and most of my co-workers were in their 30s). Nearly everyone I meet as a new mom is from this area. Their lives are "crazy busy" and they don't have time to make new friends. I'm always amazed how full most moms' social calendars seem to be. Our social calendar is pretty much always empty. I reach out to other moms to try to get together outside of gym class, mommy and me, etc. and my invitations are declined 99% of the time. My husband has given up trying to make friends and says that no one wants to be friends with us because they already have tons of friends, so we should just get used to being lonely and alone. I think he's right, sadly enough. We've been here several years so far and I've only been able to make 2 friends here.

How old are your kids?

I am the previous poster who moved to DC in my 30's with a toddler and infant. I am a mom with a crazy busy schedule. Our kids now attend preschool and elem school. Between homework, sports, extracurricular activities during the week and birthday parties, bbqs, play dates, etc on the weekends, we always have packed plans.

Most of the friends we see on an everyday basis live within a 5 mile radius and either attend school with our kids or do an extracurricular activity. Some friends lived here all their lives. Others moved here after college. The one thing we have in common are our kids and that is why we hang out and became friends.

PP here. I have an infant and toddler. I'm a SAHM. So they are not in school yet. We never have any social plans. Moms don't seem interested in being friends with me. I'm super lonely.

Do you live in a DC suburb? Have you tried MOMs Club, meetup.com, local mom's groups?

You don't have to be friends with people to do activities with your kids. That will keep you busy.I used to take my toddler to the playground, library, Gymboree, music, mom's group play dates, etc. I was busy then but I wouldn't say I made any friends. I'd say hi to familiar faces but did not actually form any friendships. Some of those first mom's group play dates were straight up painful for me. I kept going so my kids could play even though I had absolutely nothing in common with the moms.

I am now very active in both my children's schools. I'm not friends with everyone but there are lots of events and volunteer opportunities. It keeps me busy. I also work. Again, I don't consider anyone a true friend but I small talk with people at the office. We did become very good friends with a handful of families from my older child's preschool class. Older child is now in kindergarten. We have started hanging out with a few families from his new elementary school who happen to live a few blocks over. Also made friends with a few familes from my younger child's preschool class this year. We introduce neighbors. They introduce us. My kindergarten son's closest friend's parents grew up in our exact same neighborhood. We have invited them over several times and we have also gone over to their house. I know they have friends who are childless or with kids who are older. Their kid seems to like my kid best so we get together. You can still become friends with people even if you are new.

It will happen for you. Just be patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here who believes that people in their 30s already have all the friends they need and aren't looking for more. I have found this to be very true in the suburbs. When you've moved out to the suburbs, it's more likely that you've decided to stay in the area because you grew up here/went to school here/have family here or spouse has family here. That probably means that you have a large circle of friends and family already and aren't looking to make more friends. That has been my experience out in the suburbs. When I worked full-time, and lived in the suburbs and worked in a suburban office, I was the only person in my office of 40 people who was not from this area (and most of my co-workers were in their 30s). Nearly everyone I meet as a new mom is from this area. Their lives are "crazy busy" and they don't have time to make new friends. I'm always amazed how full most moms' social calendars seem to be. Our social calendar is pretty much always empty. I reach out to other moms to try to get together outside of gym class, mommy and me, etc. and my invitations are declined 99% of the time. My husband has given up trying to make friends and says that no one wants to be friends with us because they already have tons of friends, so we should just get used to being lonely and alone. I think he's right, sadly enough. We've been here several years so far and I've only been able to make 2 friends here.

OP here. My husband says the same thing, I guess he's ok with no friends. And I just don't understand how all these other people got to be that way. Even before, I didn't have a lot of friends, but enough to keep me from being lonely. Now I just want to sit around and cry. I never knew life could be so isolating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here who believes that people in their 30s already have all the friends they need and aren't looking for more. I have found this to be very true in the suburbs. When you've moved out to the suburbs, it's more likely that you've decided to stay in the area because you grew up here/went to school here/have family here or spouse has family here. That probably means that you have a large circle of friends and family already and aren't looking to make more friends. That has been my experience out in the suburbs. When I worked full-time, and lived in the suburbs and worked in a suburban office, I was the only person in my office of 40 people who was not from this area (and most of my co-workers were in their 30s). Nearly everyone I meet as a new mom is from this area. Their lives are "crazy busy" and they don't have time to make new friends. I'm always amazed how full most moms' social calendars seem to be. Our social calendar is pretty much always empty. I reach out to other moms to try to get together outside of gym class, mommy and me, etc. and my invitations are declined 99% of the time. My husband has given up trying to make friends and says that no one wants to be friends with us because they already have tons of friends, so we should just get used to being lonely and alone. I think he's right, sadly enough. We've been here several years so far and I've only been able to make 2 friends here.

OP here. My husband says the same thing, I guess he's ok with no friends. And I just don't understand how all these other people got to be that way. Even before, I didn't have a lot of friends, but enough to keep me from being lonely. Now I just want to sit around and cry. I never knew life could be so isolating.

With that attitude, I don't think anyone is going to make the effort to be friends with you. We are not the most social but we always make friends. I have some friends who make friends anywhere and everywhere they go. We will be on vacation and they will make friends with the bartender or people at the pool. Other people I know try to network anywhere they go. Whether it is at a pool while on vacation or the neighborhood playground, you either click or don't click. If you barely have a conversation and awkwardly try to make plans, a busy person will probably not make time for you. On the other hand, if they want to get to know you, they would invite you to the plans they already have. I have often invited another person to come along to the zoo or to our house, especially if I think both parties would also get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here who believes that people in their 30s already have all the friends they need and aren't looking for more. I have found this to be very true in the suburbs. When you've moved out to the suburbs, it's more likely that you've decided to stay in the area because you grew up here/went to school here/have family here or spouse has family here. That probably means that you have a large circle of friends and family already and aren't looking to make more friends. That has been my experience out in the suburbs. When I worked full-time, and lived in the suburbs and worked in a suburban office, I was the only person in my office of 40 people who was not from this area (and most of my co-workers were in their 30s). Nearly everyone I meet as a new mom is from this area. Their lives are "crazy busy" and they don't have time to make new friends. I'm always amazed how full most moms' social calendars seem to be. Our social calendar is pretty much always empty. I reach out to other moms to try to get together outside of gym class, mommy and me, etc. and my invitations are declined 99% of the time. My husband has given up trying to make friends and says that no one wants to be friends with us because they already have tons of friends, so we should just get used to being lonely and alone. I think he's right, sadly enough. We've been here several years so far and I've only been able to make 2 friends here.

OP here. My husband says the same thing, I guess he's ok with no friends. And I just don't understand how all these other people got to be that way. Even before, I didn't have a lot of friends, but enough to keep me from being lonely. Now I just want to sit around and cry. I never knew life could be so isolating.

With that attitude, I don't think anyone is going to make the effort to be friends with you. We are not the most social but we always make friends. I have some friends who make friends anywhere and everywhere they go. We will be on vacation and they will make friends with the bartender or people at the pool. Other people I know try to network anywhere they go. Whether it is at a pool while on vacation or the neighborhood playground, you either click or don't click. If you barely have a conversation and awkwardly try to make plans, a busy person will probably not make time for you. On the other hand, if they want to get to know you, they would invite you to the plans they already have. I have often invited another person to come along to the zoo or to our house, especially if I think both parties would also get along.

Oh, no one talks to me like that. Like I said - even the neighbors just walk inside when I say hello.

[Anonymous]

OP, where are you and the unfriendly neighbors? Is it a close in suburb?

Sometimes misery loves company, so the sh*tstirrers like to keep company; you will notice that any other "socialization" is one way (lots of incoming information, and virtually no outgoing information), so maybe you are better off without them. If neighbors go out of their way to be unfriendly, I would bet they also go out of their way to gossip and deflect. The neighborhood might have a negative history you are not aware of (of course, they are not going to admit this). You certainly are not missing anything.

If I were you, I would move past the deliberately unfriendly people, and find people involved in interests you share, instead. Much more fun and enriching!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted a few months ago about DH just up and moving us to a small town. Things have gone from bad to worse. I haven't met one single person since moving here. It doesn't help that I work full time from home as a consultant and feel like I don't have any time to do anything but work and take care of our almost one year old. I am lonely. I sometimes go weeks without talking to anyone but DH.

So - I'm curious, especially if you're from a very small town or work long hours, how do you meet people? All the things I used to do to meet people in DC just aren't available here.

Kids is the most obvious. We moved and were even bi coastal at one point. Most of my friends I met through my kids. Eventually I joined different clubs, a tennis club and a local photography club, met lots of people there, more acquaintance than great friends but it did yield two really good friends. Keep an open mind, loneliness is no fun but I assure you everyone at some point has felt it. Volunteering is also great!