Really, how do I make friends?

[Anonymous]

Hmm, there is a big difference in having a three year old in preschool with its self-selecting group of moms in that age bracket and having an infant AT HOME as your only coworker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread from before. You keep posting this problem, shoot down all the suggestions (have you tried any from the last thread?) and are pretty clear that you take no responsibility for the situation.
Are you waiting passively for other people to befriend you? Have you baked cookies for the neighbors and brought them over (or something of the like?) Have you started a Moms group? Invited your husbands coworkers over?
I don't mean to be harsh, but you sound like you have your defenses up, opinions made, and excuses for everything!

My husband has never introduced me to his coworkers. He says I won't like them or their wives. What would you have me do, break into his laptop, find their information, and invite them over myself? As for the neighbors, when I say as much as hello, they turn on their heels and walk back into their house. I can't bake them cookies when they don't even say hello in return. You don't think that would be a little strange? And start a mom's group? With who, exactly? I don't know anyone. I did create a meetup group that is sitting empty, months later.

It seems like you're either a SAHM with a large social network or a WOHM with a child in daycare who doesn't understand how isolating telecommuting is.

Your husband knows you are a snob who hates everyone in this town, and he doesn't want you being rude to his coworkers.

Yes. You can make cookies for people who ignore you. This is called winning people over and is the opposite of your current approach.

Small townera don't doo meetup groups online, dummy. Post flyers at the local library, park, rec center, etc. Post for a Saturday morning meetup at a local playground "Muffins and Mudpies." Bake muffins and go even if noone responds, then chat up the moms who are there and mention that you were hoping to join a group "and I even baked all these muffins..." Then offer them some. Do this every week until people start to recognize you.

[Anonymous]

Find another church. Go to a weekend class.

[Anonymous]

Wow! Who is the hater? They obviously have not moved to a small town from outside of it. I do understand the isolation aspect and I think it needs to be tackled before the lack of friends. Have none of you seen the country bumpkins come to DC? Well you are missing a real treat observing them in their native habitat. And no, the Andy Griffith cookie carrying Aunt Bea is not thrilled to meet you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband knows you are a snob who hates everyone in this town, and he doesn't want you being rude to his coworkers.

Yes. You can make cookies for people who ignore you. This is called winning people over and is the opposite of your current approach.

Small townera don't doo meetup groups online, dummy. Post flyers at the local library, park, rec center, etc. Post for a Saturday morning meetup at a local playground "Muffins and Mudpies." Bake muffins and go even if noone responds, then chat up the moms who are there and mention that you were hoping to join a group "and I even baked all these muffins..." Then offer them some. Do this every week until people start to recognize you.

Wow, you're pretty nasty. I'm not sure why anyone would take advice from you, especially as it pertains to personal relationships.

First, there's no indication she's a snob who hates everyone in town. Why would she want to meet people if she's a snob? Second, baking cookies for people who are openly hostile to you is the stupidest suggestion I've ever heard. The neighbors have made their feelings toward her crystal clear. Food won't change their minds.

[Anonymous]

Is there a coffee shop or diner or something where you could set up and work part of the day? A place where you could become a regular? I think becoming a regular somewhere--the playground, the library, the knitting club, whatever--is key.

I totally understand how it can be isolating, and the assumption that everyone is friendly and just needs some cookies to make them friends is naive. In some small towns, everyone already knows everyone and they are not all that open to outsiders. Your husband has an in because of his job, but you are unusual for the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread from before. You keep posting this problem, shoot down all the suggestions (have you tried any from the last thread?) and are pretty clear that you take no responsibility for the situation.
Are you waiting passively for other people to befriend you? Have you baked cookies for the neighbors and brought them over (or something of the like?) Have you started a Moms group? Invited your husbands coworkers over?
I don't mean to be harsh, but you sound like you have your defenses up, opinions made, and excuses for everything!

My husband has never introduced me to his coworkers. He says I won't like them or their wives. What would you have me do, break into his laptop, find their information, and invite them over myself? As for the neighbors, when I say as much as hello, they turn on their heels and walk back into their house. I can't bake them cookies when they don't even say hello in return. You don't think that would be a little strange? And start a mom's group? With who, exactly? I don't know anyone. I did create a meetup group that is sitting empty, months later.

It seems like you're either a SAHM with a large social network or a WOHM with a child in daycare who doesn't understand how isolating telecommuting is.

I'll be honest, that would piss me off. When my husband starts a new job, I expect him to introduce me to his coworkers pretty early on. I think it's really weird that he doesn't invite you to things.

That's also very weird about your neighbors. I'm the PP from a small town and that would shock me. I thought the whole point of living in a small town is that everyone says hello to everyone. I would just keep pasting on your smile and making small talk with anyone who will reciprocate. Also, bring your child with you everywhere you can, kids are conversation starters.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a playground nearby? Take you DC there the same time, every Saturday and Sunday. And take your DC there the same time every Monday - Friday. You might meet people that way.

It might also help if you bring a snack, like apple slices, in case other kids want some, too.

[Anonymous]

If you're able to care for an infant at home while also working, I don't understand why you can't join an hour long baby and me class once a week. The work must be flexible enough that you're not tied to your desk if your baby needs yOu. And when you go to this class, DONT assume everyone thinks you're weird because you Work from home. I moved from Boston to a town of about 3500 People and have met moms who are on pretty much every end of the SAHM WOHM spectrum. A lot also came from larger towns or grew up in larger areas and are far from small town townies with no wordly experiences. It sounds like you expect the worst (which given how the move came about I totally get that you're not the happiest person in the world) so you only concentrate on the worst. People in big cities can be just as snobby if you are expecting it, because you'll find snobby and bitchy people everywhere.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I moved to this area knowing no one and having no local family and have had a lot of difficulty making friends. I moved here as a married woman, working full-time, now a few years later I'm a SAHM. It has been much easier to meet people as a SAHM compared to being a married women working full-time, but still, I only have a few friends, and I long to have a social circle or wider support network. It's really hard to make friends, I can relate!

The best way I have made friends is through joining moms groups through meetup.com. I have made a few friends/acquaintances that way. I also suggest joining a playgroup that meets weekly--maybe you could find or start one on the weekends if that works better for your schedule. Or find a gym class that meets weekly. Or a bookclub. Or take a class yourself. I think the important thing is to see the same people over and over again frequently--like in a class.

But the reality is that most people in their 30s already have all the friends and family they need. I found it very difficult to make friends here because everyone is so crazy busy and just don't have the time or interest. Our neighborhood is unfriendly and neighbors are not interested in getting to know us. My husband hasn't been able to make any friends here--not at work or though sports. It's really hard! I am hoping to finally find a sense of community once my kids are in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Who is the hater? They obviously have not moved to a small town from outside of it. I do understand the isolation aspect and I think it needs to be tackled before the lack of friends. Have none of you seen the country bumpkins come to DC? Well you are missing a real treat observing them in their native habitat. And no, the Andy Griffith cookie carrying Aunt Bea is not thrilled to meet you.

+1

LOLZ. NP here. I love this response. I think some people are in denial, and OP isn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I moved to this area knowing no one and having no local family and have had a lot of difficulty making friends. I moved here as a married woman, working full-time, now a few years later I'm a SAHM. It has been much easier to meet people as a SAHM compared to being a married women working full-time, but still, I only have a few friends, and I long to have a social circle or wider support network. It's really hard to make friends, I can relate!

The best way I have made friends is through joining moms groups through meetup.com. I have made a few friends/acquaintances that way. I also suggest joining a playgroup that meets weekly--maybe you could find or start one on the weekends if that works better for your schedule. Or find a gym class that meets weekly. Or a bookclub. Or take a class yourself. I think the important thing is to see the same people over and over again frequently--like in a class.

But the reality is that most people in their 30s already have all the friends and family they need. I found it very difficult to make friends here because everyone is so crazy busy and just don't have the time or interest. Our neighborhood is unfriendly and neighbors are not interested in getting to know us. My husband hasn't been able to make any friends here--not at work or though sports. It's really hard! I am hoping to finally find a sense of community once my kids are in school.

I have heard this many times about certain close in neighborhoods. Some neighbors just want to know your business, and will not share anything about themselves; which is not exactly a welcoming attitude. And some people are just plain rude. You can say hi until you are blue in the face, and they will look right through you with a hideous smug grin; priding themselves on their unfriendly rudeness. I would bet they spin stories with the best of them! Such a sad life. OP, believe me when I tell you it is not you. You want no part of Peyton Place; and people who have that kind of time (and hate!) on their hands, looking to deflect onto potential targets.

I personally think the playground is a great start. It is just as random as anything else, and you might meet some funny, accomplished, warm people. You really only need a few friends here, and a few there; pretty soon there are more and more. Be choosy. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband knows you are a snob who hates everyone in this town, and he doesn't want you being rude to his coworkers.

Yes. You can make cookies for people who ignore you. This is called winning people over and is the opposite of your current approach.

Small townera don't doo meetup groups online, dummy. Post flyers at the local library, park, rec center, etc. Post for a Saturday morning meetup at a local playground "Muffins and Mudpies." Bake muffins and go even if noone responds, then chat up the moms who are there and mention that you were hoping to join a group "and I even baked all these muffins..." Then offer them some. Do this every week until people start to recognize you.

Wow, you're pretty nasty. I'm not sure why anyone would take advice from you, especially as it pertains to personal relationships.

First, there's no indication she's a snob who hates everyone in town. Why would she want to meet people if she's a snob? Second, baking cookies for people who are openly hostile to you is the stupidest suggestion I've ever heard. The neighbors have made their feelings toward her crystal clear. Food won't change their minds.

+1 Well done. Such a hostile neighbor above, we all have met one or two of them; and tend to leave them behind, where they belong, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're able to care for an infant at home while also working, I don't understand why you can't join an hour long baby and me class once a week. The work must be flexible enough that you're not tied to your desk if your baby needs yOu. And when you go to this class, DONT assume everyone thinks you're weird because you Work from home. I moved from Boston to a town of about 3500 People and have met moms who are on pretty much every end of the SAHM WOHM spectrum. A lot also came from larger towns or grew up in larger areas and are far from small town townies with no wordly experiences. It sounds like you expect the worst (which given how the move came about I totally get that you're not the happiest person in the world) so you only concentrate on the worst. People in big cities can be just as snobby if you are expecting it, because you'll find snobby and bitchy people everywhere.

+1 Even (and sometimes especially) the small towns which don't consider themselves small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But the reality is that most people in their 30s already have all the friends and family they need. I found it very difficult to make friends here because everyone is so crazy busy and just don't have the time or interest. Our neighborhood is unfriendly and neighbors are not interested in getting to know us. My husband hasn't been able to make any friends here--not at work or though sports. It's really hard! I am hoping to finally find a sense of community once my kids are in school.

OP here. I think this is a huge part of the problem. Inertia, you know? The 30's are just not a great time to be meeting new people.

Also, I think I mentioned, but if not, I will again. I have a sitter. I don't take care of DC myself during the day, so skipping out to go to the park and library time won't work. That's another big problem. I've been looking for groups that meet over lunch time but have not found anything so far. We can definitely do the park every Saturday morning though. About bringing snacks for other children, are the parents ok with that? I'd think they wouldn't be and don't want to unintentionally do something wrong.