Local family not helping when DH was deployed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would take the opportunity to ask BIL in front of his brother why he didn't help me out when he said he would when he came over for a visit. If anything you learned his word means nothing.

OP, you're going to have to learn to be on your own or get with another wife to help each other out when these deployments happen. I know the base can hook you up with help if you truly need help. And remember, no one can read your mind, they need to hear your voice.

or pay for help.

[Anonymous]

Folks let's review. Here is OP's post. Nowhere does she ask him or anyone to raise her kids or take care of her.

BIL OFFERED to help.
BIL said he could "probably" help and then "flaked" on her.

Anonymous wrote:DH was deployed for almost a year. I have 2 young children and it was very difficult for me. BIL is local and attends graduate school. BIL said he would help but totally let me down. On several occasions, I asked for help. He said, "probably" and then flaked on me. Now DH is back and he is at our house constantly. Whenever I see him, I get mad because it reminds me how he wasn't there for us when we really needed him. Now that his brother is back, he is happy to be around and hang out with DH and the kids.

Do I have a right to be upset with BIL?

Yes, OP you have a right to feel angry. Now what you do with that is up to you. You can either talk to BIL and let him know that you feel let down when he didn't come through with help AFTER SAYING HE COULD. OR you just have to let it go and accept that he is unable to carry through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are a two-way interaction. If your BIL cannot support you when you need help, then your family shouldn't be there when he wants a place to hangout.

I am also a military spouse whose DH had deployed for a year your in Iraq. I was working full time, and it was the hardest year of my life. Emit is really difficult to constantly be on- you have virtually no downtime. You come home from work and start your second job at home. I didn't feel it was appropriate to unload my stress on DH, because he had enough to deal with as he had the stress of being at war. It is very isolating and overwhelming.

This is the one time when your family really needed him, and BIL couldn't be bothered. I think I wouldn't be bothered to have him in my home, his ass on my couch, eating my food.

this tit for tat spiteful attitude will win you no favors.

[Anonymous]

The guy sounds sort of clueless. Maybe Op dodged a bullet when he didn't show up to help out. Seriously...you want someone more responsible than that to help out with your kids.

That doesn't make him a "bad" person, just (flighty? immature? unreliable?). I know that it's difficult to count on someone and have them totally drop the ball, but lesson learned...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

Well you need to lay down some ground rules with your DH. That whole staying up late, coming unannounced for dinner would get old in a hurry. Especially with little kids in the house. I think I would try to nip that in the bud. Surely your dh can set some limits with his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

Good thing what you say goes, Princess! This will definitely solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

OP, you need to talk with your BIL. Not yell at him, but talk with him. Model for him what an adult does. You're looking for some acknowledgement from him that he messed up and that he's sorry. That's it.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad you put your foot down OP. I still think it wod be good if BIL heard it from you directly too, but if youse to comfortable with that at least he won't be around as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

OP, you need to talk with your BIL. Not yell at him, but talk with him. Model for him what an adult does. You're looking for some acknowledgement from him that he messed up and that he's sorry. That's it.

Why should Op talk to BIL? Op isn't the one that BIL is visiting...right?

[Anonymous]

What kind of graduate program is he in and how many years in?

The first two years of med school, grad school, and law school are brutal. There is absolutely no down time. After that it eases up. My guess is that there is more to the story and that you haven't bothered to realize it.

[Anonymous]

I learned as a single mom that offers to help are often just empty words. Even a "yeah I'll come by.." was said with no intention to actually follow through.

OP, now you know that your BIL isn't someone you can rely on with the next deployment.

As for the hours he spends there now I can understand being annoyed. How long has this been happening? I might just say "hey (BIL) I'd like to have my husband to myself this evening. *smile* I'm sure you understand."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

OP, you need to talk with your BIL. Not yell at him, but talk with him. Model for him what an adult does. You're looking for some acknowledgement from him that he messed up and that he's sorry. That's it.

Why should Op talk to BIL? Op isn't the one that BIL is visiting...right?

Huh? OP has a problem with BIL, She needs to talk with him about it. He's visiting in HER home. He wasn't there for her when she needed it and he said he'd be there. She needs to talk it out with him. He'll apologize. She'll feel better. And then he can go on visiting his brother. Win-win for everyone when someone acts like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are ridiculous. If BIL was truly busy with school then he wouldn't have time to come around now either.

If I understand OP correctly that is the issue. Why does he suddenly have free time to come over now.

BIL sounds young and selfish.

Unfortunately OP isn't clear on what she asked of BIL to do, but in the end I don't think it is s too much to think he might stop by and play with his nieces and/or nephews. Even if he didn't like OP as someone suggested, or maybe especially if he doesn't like OP, I would think BIL would stop by occasionally to see the kids, maybe even take them out to the park to get some time away from OP.

I feel for OP. After a year of absence, BIL is now constantly at your house and I assume he's eating your food and staying for dinner you likely cook. It would burn my butt too.

OP is DH husband aware that BIL was not around while he was away? If these brothers are close enough that BIL is over regularly I would think DH would want to know that his brother can't be counted on.

So OP, as long as you aren't looking for BIL to stand in for your husband while he's away, I think it is perfectly fine to expect to see him occasionally while DH is deployed.

OP here. When DH deployed, BIL said he would come help us as much as he could. Yes, my problem is that he couldn't find the time to come and help out when I asked but he is pretty much available every weekend now. He actually overstays his welcome and often spends the night. He will come unannounced and stay to eat. I feel everything about him bothers me now.

DH has told BIL his disappointment and BIL apologized to DH. I have never heard anything from BIL. He just continues to come over uninvited and overstays. I blew up at DH recently and said I don't want BIL at the house anymore.

OP, you need to talk with your BIL. Not yell at him, but talk with him. Model for him what an adult does. You're looking for some acknowledgement from him that he messed up and that he's sorry. That's it.

Why should Op talk to BIL? Op isn't the one that BIL is visiting...right?

Huh? OP has a problem with BIL, She needs to talk with him about it. He's visiting in HER home. He wasn't there for her when she needed it and he said he'd be there. She needs to talk it out with him. He'll apologize. She'll feel better. And then he can go on visiting his brother. Win-win for everyone when someone acts like an adult.

Huh? Back to you. BIL appears to basically ignore Op, he just hangs at her house and drops by whenever to eat her food. BIL is coming over (uninvited) to see Op's dh. Op's dh is the one that needs to talk to BIL.

[Anonymous]

It's not the BIL's responsibility to take care of your family. Period. You should not have expected him to.

Second of all, it's possible that he didn't come around a lot when his brother was away because he felt strange around you for some reason. My guess, especially if he is there a lot now, is that the issue is you.