How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am totally the kind of person who pretends they want to work but is terrified of finding a job. As a SAHM, I have the ability to control my schedule insomuch as I am the boss of the kids. They go to school and I am around in the afternoon to shuttle them around. I also have a PhD but it was such a mistake that I regret (especially since my DH is paying the 150K of loans I racked up in school. He's justifiably bitter about it but deals.).

I am completely, utterly bored and unfulfilled. But I do my best to keep busy and focus on the kids and just keep going. I exercise. I take care of my looks. I have a great house. And I am completely brain dead from the lack of stimulation (I agree avoid the PTA, it's just a distraction). I feel for OP's wife because I am literally her future.

I realize the toll my opting out of my career has done to my life. I realize my marriage may collapse from my own resentment, my husband's resentment, and the kids obliviousness that we were people before they were people. I almost welcome the crash. My kids will be grown in college in 8 years. I can see my husband leaving. I think in those ashes, I may finally begin to begin. Because I am too scared to do anything now. I know that's a cop out but it is what it is.

OP, don't let your wife be me.

Why are you terrified?! I am a former SAHM (8 years) who recently went back to work.

[Anonymous]

PP, I am the above poster. I can't find anything. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth so it's a cycle. I know that these ego issues ruined me. I am just terrified of making a change and starting over at the bottom of the pile.

My DH makes a good living. And he's paid the loans and everything but I can see it in how he views me. He respected me so much more before I opted out and stopped trying to get back in. He's a lot like the OP and was supportive of me working. I just had excuses. And there are always reasons. But if I'm honest (and I am being brutal since this is anonymous), it was my ego. I failed and didn't want to face that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I am the above poster. I can't find anything. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth so it's a cycle. I know that these ego issues ruined me. I am just terrified of making a change and starting over at the bottom of the pile.

My DH makes a good living. And he's paid the loans and everything but I can see it in how he views me. He respected me so much more before I opted out and stopped trying to get back in. He's a lot like the OP and was supportive of me working. I just had excuses. And there are always reasons. But if I'm honest (and I am being brutal since this is anonymous), it was my ego. I failed and didn't want to face that.

Deflate the ego. Why do you think there is more prestige in being a SAHM with a PhD than it is working for a, for example, not-for-profit where your education can be used to better others' lives. If you have a PhD, you know prestige is not always about the money.

[Anonymous]

That PP is terrifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I am the above poster. I can't find anything. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth so it's a cycle. I know that these ego issues ruined me. I am just terrified of making a change and starting over at the bottom of the pile.

My DH makes a good living. And he's paid the loans and everything but I can see it in how he views me. He respected me so much more before I opted out and stopped trying to get back in. He's a lot like the OP and was supportive of me working. I just had excuses. And there are always reasons. But if I'm honest (and I am being brutal since this is anonymous), it was my ego. I failed and didn't want to face that.

I can see your point. I took a huge hit in pay and will admit many interviews were a chance for working moms to humiliate me but ... Wow maybe it wasn't worth it!

[Anonymous]

Let me clarify. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth and the few low level jobs I've failed to land despite my "impressive" CV. It's a failure when you try to volunteer and end up getting radio silence. But it's stings when you clearly have the skills (or had the skills).

Faced with this uphill battle, I chose the path of least resistance. We have money thanks to my DH's salary. So, it's just easier to move more slowly in the morning. Focus on the Children. Keeping my home lovely. Cooking. Working out. But it's banal and I realize how little I am truly achieving.

My mother is probably the only person in the world who sees through my act. She knows there's more to me. To avoid her disappointment, I have avoided her beyond a real superficial level. Because she would look at my lovely home, and nice kids, and gorgeous garden, and beautiful meal and just say...is that all there is here for you?

[Anonymous]

To the pp sahm.

I grew up homeless and my mom and I had no social connections but I worked hard to make a middle class living for myself and my children.

Its hard to beleive that you have ability to influence the direction of your life sometimes because you get caught up in the day in and day out momentum of the spinning wheel.

Its never to late to make change.

Start today, start now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me clarify. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth and the few low level jobs I've failed to land despite my "impressive" CV. It's a failure when you try to volunteer and end up getting radio silence. But it's stings when you clearly have the skills (or had the skills).

Faced with this uphill battle, I chose the path of least resistance. We have money thanks to my DH's salary. So, it's just easier to move more slowly in the morning. Focus on the Children. Keeping my home lovely. Cooking. Working out. But it's banal and I realize how little I am truly achieving.

My mother is probably the only person in the world who sees through my act. She knows there's more to me. To avoid her disappointment, I have avoided her beyond a real superficial level. Because she would look at my lovely home, and nice kids, and gorgeous garden, and beautiful meal and just say...is that all there is here for you?

Please, this is so a troll post.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a troll. I know several women who might fit into this category. And fact that previous poster might be a friend of mine. This happens. Sorry to derail thread op.

But on point. I found career counseling to be very very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am totally the kind of person who pretends they want to work but is terrified of finding a job. As a SAHM, I have the ability to control my schedule insomuch as I am the boss of the kids. They go to school and I am around in the afternoon to shuttle them around. I also have a PhD but it was such a mistake that I regret (especially since my DH is paying the 150K of loans I racked up in school. He's justifiably bitter about it but deals.).

I am completely, utterly bored and unfulfilled. But I do my best to keep busy and focus on the kids and just keep going. I exercise. I take care of my looks. I have a great house. And I am completely brain dead from the lack of stimulation (I agree avoid the PTA, it's just a distraction). I feel for OP's wife because I am literally her future.

I realize the toll my opting out of my career has done to my life. I realize my marriage may collapse from my own resentment, my husband's resentment, and the kids obliviousness that we were people before they were people. I almost welcome the crash. My kids will be grown in college in 8 years. I can see my husband leaving. I think in those ashes, I may finally begin to begin. Because I am too scared to do anything now. I know that's a cop out but it is what it is.

OP, don't let your wife be me.

I call troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me clarify. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth and the few low level jobs I've failed to land despite my "impressive" CV. It's a failure when you try to volunteer and end up getting radio silence. But it's stings when you clearly have the skills (or had the skills).

Faced with this uphill battle, I chose the path of least resistance. We have money thanks to my DH's salary. So, it's just easier to move more slowly in the morning. Focus on the Children. Keeping my home lovely. Cooking. Working out. But it's banal and I realize how little I am truly achieving.

My mother is probably the only person in the world who sees through my act. She knows there's more to me. To avoid her disappointment, I have avoided her beyond a real superficial level. Because she would look at my lovely home, and nice kids, and gorgeous garden, and beautiful meal and just say...is that all there is here for you?

Please, this is so a troll post.

+1000
Completely transparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Let me clarify. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth and the few low level jobs I've failed to land despite my "impressive" CV. It's a failure when you try to volunteer and end up getting radio silence. But it's stings when you clearly have the skills (or had the skills).

Faced with this uphill battle, I chose the path of least resistance. We have money thanks to my DH's salary. So, it's just easier to move more slowly in the morning. Focus on the Children. Keeping my home lovely. Cooking. Working out. But it's banal and I realize how little I am truly achieving.

My mother is probably the only person in the world who sees through my act. She knows there's more to me. To avoid her disappointment, I have avoided her beyond a real superficial level. Because she would look at my lovely home, and nice kids, and gorgeous garden, and beautiful meal and just say...is that all there is here for you?


Please, this is so a troll post.


+1000
Completely transparent.

Sometimes, the truth hurts.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the PP is a troll. She could have been me, if my current employer hadn't given me a chance. I, too, was humiliated by working moms during several interviews. I took 5 years off and they looked at me like I was a lazy ball of nothingness. It was hard. HARD. To keep looking for a job, but I was close to giving up because my ego could not take it anymore. I am triple Ivy educated. I worked in biglaw and made a ton of money in a prior life. Now, I am making a third of what I made out of law school and my boss is 10 years younger (!!!) than me. Every day, I struggle with my ego. Every day, I have to watch the tone in my voice when my supervisors talk to me. My ego is my biggest problem right now. I fully recognize that. So, PP, I know how it can be paralyzing. I've wanted to quit my job many times based on my ego being bruised - not actual "real world" slights. It has been tough.

But I stick it out because I am lucky to be doing good work. And there is SO MUCH for me to learn in this industry. My first step is recognizing that I *am* a newbie, I do not know much (the law significantly changed while I was at home).

My mother has told me a million times that the one lesson she wants me to learn and remember when she is gone is to learn to be humble. I struggle with it daily.

I am doing good work and find a lot of satisfaction in my work (my kid is in school fulltime now), so I have the time and education and willingness to do so much more with my life. I am just struggling with being on the bottom rung. It really bothers me and I just need to get over myself.

So, PP, long winded story short. I understand. I feel you. You are me in a different life. I hope (and pray) you find the strength to humble yourself to find your calling.

I know re-finding my professional self has been good for my marriage since my DH knows me well and knows how much pride I take in doing this work.

Good luck, PP. Many hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I should start a support group for SAHM who want to go back to work! I recently did it. It is a brutal process but worth it.

What say the rest of the SAHM who went back? Should I create the support group? Is this something your wife would do?

YES!!! Start one now!! I will be the first in line. I have been looking for a few months and have been on a few interviews, but still not sure about things.

Should I go back? How can I find something I really like? Should I go back to school for something else????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me clarify. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth and the few low level jobs I've failed to land despite my "impressive" CV. It's a failure when you try to volunteer and end up getting radio silence. But it's stings when you clearly have the skills (or had the skills).

Faced with this uphill battle, I chose the path of least resistance. We have money thanks to my DH's salary. So, it's just easier to move more slowly in the morning. Focus on the Children. Keeping my home lovely. Cooking. Working out. But it's banal and I realize how little I am truly achieving.

My mother is probably the only person in the world who sees through my act. She knows there's more to me. To avoid her disappointment, I have avoided her beyond a real superficial level. Because she would look at my lovely home, and nice kids, and gorgeous garden, and beautiful meal and just say...is that all there is here for you?

"Because she would look at my lovely home, and nice kids, and gorgeous garden, and beautiful meal and just say...is that all there is here for you?"

Exactly what Betty Friedan said to herself!