How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Yes she asked for help.


Okay. So what happens when you give her all these ideas for help and she doesn't act on them?

They get divorced, duh. No one is ever allowed to work through an issue successfully on DCUM.

OP, keep on it. I second the therapist/coach idea. My spouse is in the midst of a similar issue (he's a SAHD) and while it's annoying to listen to him go on and on about "purpose" when I spend 60 hours a week working to keep a roof over our heads, you have to realize that they just don't get it because they don't have the pressure to make a living. So, please be careful about getting resentful and annoyed when you spouse navel gazes. That was the biggest benefit of bringing a third party in -- I didn't have to listen to this and he could vent and brainstorm with someone who wasn't annoyed with him for not just getting a damn job like the rest of us. It's surprising helped and things are much better at home. He's got interviews this week and we'll see, although I doubt he really will ever understand what I go through in terms of work pressure and being the main income earner for him to have the luxury of finding his calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has she every had a job? What?

???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife has reached a point where she doesn't believe being a SAHM spouse is a good fit for her or our family. I totally agree with this, but the issue is how to I support my wife's efforts to get back to work?

She is totally unsure of what she wants, has a PhD but doesn't want to do academia (it's a social sciencey degree) and basically freaks out when I try to encourage her to get out there. She assumes every silence after an application means she will never, ever find work, gets disenchanted and gives up. Only to come around and realize that being a SAHM is not fulfilling enough and begins to make baby steps.

Our personalities are really different, here. I am a bit more aggressive and hustle. I'm not brilliant by any means, but have done well for myself by working hard and not taking no for an answer. My wife is brilliant. Literally. But she has a hard time with failure, and has never had to push past a wall to achieve anything. I find the things that motivate me (like a swift kick in the rear) are the absolute worst approaches to take here. So, I am dealing with kid gloves.

I want to be supportive, but I'm not sure exactly what the right tack to take is. Does anyone recommend a career coach or book that might be helpful?

God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."

[Anonymous]

God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."

So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is her journey to take. There's not much you can do. She has to choose to be aggressive about it. Next time she complains, point out she is 100% in control to fix that. It's a decision, not a personality trait, to actively pursue a job.

OP here. This isn't helpful. My wife is going through a hard time and as her partner it's my obligation to be supportive. I can easily put my hands in the air and say whatever, but having an unhappy spouse is poison and I won't settle for that.

To the other posters, thank you. I really feel like an outside perspective would be helpful and will mention coaching and some books as good initial steps. If you happen to have any references in NOVA, please post them here.

You sound like a wonderful husband. God bless your family!

+1

[Anonymous]

You mentioned references in NoVA. The Women's Center in Vienna has great career coaches and counselors. They helped me a lot when I was unemployed for two years. Mostly I just needed structure and cheerleading for my efforts, but they also helped me with resume preparation and other practical things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."

So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?

I will now hire someone that may not have the highest IQ or graduated from top IVY, but is a hard worker, knows how to hit the ground running, doesn't get upset by the slightest setback, and knows how to work hard for what the want. Basically the opposite of OP's wife. Yes, I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth. I see way to many top graduates who somehow feel entitled to the dream job, who have absolutely no idea what it takes to excel in the real real world and simply can't believe they the they aren't snatched on the spot. The best thing OP can do for his wife is in fact to take off the kid gloves and tell DW to grow a pair. As I mentioned, this town is full of over-educated academics. If she wants to get a job she needs to show some real character traits that separate her from the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."

So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?

I will now hire someone that may not have the highest IQ or graduated from top IVY, but is a hard worker, knows how to hit the ground running, doesn't get upset by the slightest setback, and knows how to work hard for what the want. Basically the opposite of OP's wife. Yes, I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth. I see way to many top graduates who somehow feel entitled to the dream job, who have absolutely no idea what it takes to excel in the real real world and simply can't believe they the they aren't snatched on the spot. The best thing OP can do for his wife is in fact to take off the kid gloves and tell DW to grow a pair. As I mentioned, this town is full of over-educated academics. If she wants to get a job she needs to show some real character traits that separate her from the rest.

Typing fast. Please ignore typos and grammatical mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."

So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?

I will now hire someone that may not have the highest IQ or graduated from top IVY, but is a hard worker, knows how to hit the ground running, doesn't get upset by the slightest setback, and knows how to work hard for what the want. Basically the opposite of OP's wife. Yes, I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth. I see way to many top graduates who somehow feel entitled to the dream job, who have absolutely no idea what it takes to excel in the real real world and simply can't believe they the they aren't snatched on the spot. The best thing OP can do for his wife is in fact to take off the kid gloves and tell DW to grow a pair. As I mentioned, this town is full of over-educated academics. If she wants to get a job she needs to show some real character traits that separate her from the rest.

+1

I have found the same thing. FWIW, I'm in finance not law. But I have noticed a tendency among people with the very highest GPAs from the most well regarded schools to flame out early. The quality you really want to see is perseverance but you can only tease that out in conversation and even then it's just your subjective opinion that a particular candidate has it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she'll be riding the SAHM gravy train for the rest of her life.

Hope your kids have more ambition than your wife. Hope you don't have to deal with them with kid gloves.

Who is this loser who posts first on every DCUM thread with some nasty, stupid comment? Just sits at his/her computer all day and pounces on every thread the instant it appears. Wish she/he would get blocked already. Jeff...?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is totally unsure of what she wants, has a PhD but doesn't want to do academia (it's a social sciencey degree) and basically freaks out when I try to encourage her to get out there. She assumes every silence after an application means she will never, ever find work, gets disenchanted and gives up. Only to come around and realize that being a SAHM is not fulfilling enough and begins to make baby steps.

It's a very competitive world out there, and she needs to train herself to keep going and not sit around waiting for the hiring manager to swoop in and hand her the dream job. Statistically, it takes many, many applications to land even a screening callback. It's not her - it's how job search works.
I would sit down with my spouse and look for openings together, help write cover letters, and do mock interviews. If you are working on this together, there will be less time for her to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she'll be riding the SAHM gravy train for the rest of her life.

Hope your kids have more ambition than your wife. Hope you don't have to deal with them with kid gloves.

You are an ass. Have you encouraged her to network on LinkedIn? Call old colleagues? Maybe hire a career coach or resume writer?

[Anonymous]

I feel like I should start a support group for SAHM who want to go back to work! I recently did it. It is a brutal process but worth it.

What say the rest of the SAHM who went back? Should I create the support group? Is this something your wife would do?

[Anonymous]

Anti-anxiety meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

God. I see so many "brilliant" amd highly educated people in this town that simply can't handle real life or excel at a job. I'm a lawyer and interview and hire many people that fit this profile. After years of figuring out that many young lawyers fitting this profile simply can't hack the work and rarely are the ones to excel, I stopped hiring the most "berilliant."

So who do you hire? And how do you justify it?

I will now hire someone that may not have the highest IQ or graduated from top IVY, but is a hard worker, knows how to hit the ground running, doesn't get upset by the slightest setback, and knows how to work hard for what the want. Basically the opposite of OP's wife. Yes, I sound like a jerk, but it's the truth. I see way to many top graduates who somehow feel entitled to the dream job, who have absolutely no idea what it takes to excel in the real real world and simply can't believe they the they aren't snatched on the spot. The best thing OP can do for his wife is in fact to take off the kid gloves and tell DW to grow a pair. As I mentioned, this town is full of over-educated academics. If she wants to get a job she needs to show some real character traits that separate her from the rest.

+1

I have found the same thing. FWIW, I'm in finance not law. But I have noticed a tendency among people with the very highest GPAs from the most well regarded schools to flame out early. The quality you really want to see is perseverance but you can only tease that out in conversation and even then it's just your subjective opinion that a particular candidate has it.

I agree too (though not necessarily about OP's wife - I don't know enough). But 'social an emotional competence' is the wave of the future.