How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work
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Anonymous
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My wife has reached a point where she doesn't believe being a SAHM spouse is a good fit for her or our family. I totally agree with this, but the issue is how to I support my wife's efforts to get back to work?
She is totally unsure of what she wants, has a PhD but doesn't want to do academia (it's a social sciencey degree) and basically freaks out when I try to encourage her to get out there. She assumes every silence after an application means she will never, ever find work, gets disenchanted and gives up. Only to come around and realize that being a SAHM is not fulfilling enough and begins to make baby steps. Our personalities are really different, here. I am a bit more aggressive and hustle. I'm not brilliant by any means, but have done well for myself by working hard and not taking no for an answer. My wife is brilliant. Literally. But she has a hard time with failure, and has never had to push past a wall to achieve anything. I find the things that motivate me (like a swift kick in the rear) are the absolute worst approaches to take here. So, I am dealing with kid gloves. I want to be supportive, but I'm not sure exactly what the right tack to take is. Does anyone recommend a career coach or book that might be helpful? |
Anonymous
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Sounds like she'll be riding the SAHM gravy train for the rest of her life.
Hope your kids have more ambition than your wife. Hope you don't have to deal with them with kid gloves. |
Anonymous
Fuck off. |
Anonymous
Someone's feeling a bit stressed that they haven't seen their kids for more than an hour a day in years. Hope that promotion helps you sleep at night. |
Anonymous
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I found this book helpful when I was figuring out how to get back to work: http://www.amazon.com/Back-Career-Track-Stay-at-home-Mothers-ebook/dp/B006O2KUIA/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1421869168&sr=1-1&keywords=moms+back+to+work&pebp=1421869075548&peasin=B006O2KUIA
Also, a huge confidence boost for me was just reconnecting with old colleagues. They didn't see me as a mom, just as the great coworker from my pre-kid days. One of those conversations helped me realize that I was probably setting my sights too low in applying for jobs, and not getting callbacks because I was overqualified. So, I started applying for higher level jobs, saw a posting for one that was a great fit for me, and a month later I was working FT. |
Anonymous
| She should contact the career office at her schools and start with professional advice. |
Anonymous
| She could look for ways to network. My Dh attends networking events regularly, this was how he found his career job. There are a few job finding support groups on meetup also, so maybe that will help keep her motivated. A career coach can be helpful also. I was stuck in a rut at my last job and my career coach, who also worked for my organization, helped me to realize mistakes I was making with my resume and interviewing. |
Anonymous
How does your meal ticket feel about not seeing HIS kids? - not pp |
Anonymous
Take it to a different thread. You are not helping anyone. |
Anonymous
| Help her network, ask friends to keep an eye out for positions that might be a good fit, and be her biggest cheerleader during her job hunt. |
Anonymous
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She sounds a lot like me.
I don't know if this is the best advice, but I know this is what would help me get over my hesitation: How does she feel about teaching in a less competitive environment, secondary schools (private or public) or community college? That will help her get her back in without throwing herself in. |
Anonymous
Good idea. |
Anonymous
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My spouse could have written almost all of this about me a couple years ago.
If your wife has been out of academia for a few years and has not been publishing/researching, she may be quite correct that she will not work as an academic in her field. And if she didn't already apply for jobs, she's missed the cycle for this coming academic year. Stuff she needs to do: 1. Talk to other career changers in her field (she probably knows at least a few from grad school). 2. Do informational interviews and otherwise network and refresh her contacts 3. Maybe look for adjunct work or contract work research and writing (and anything like that she will get through connections) 4. Like the PP suggested-get in touch with career services at her grad school, if it was a University with big grad programs they probably have a counselor dedicated to helping career-changing academics (my school does). If she is rejection adverse it may be hard for her to do things like just applying for job and seeing what pans out, and it may be hard for you to help her with all of the above. From what you've written, it may be worth the money for her to see a therapist or career coach who can help her set goals and deal with her anxiety. I know from my own experience that it can be really destructive to have one partner pushing and the other partner tied up with fear (even if you are giving really sound advice). Good luck-I now work for a non-profit in a field related to my degree. The money isn't much, but I'm gaining a lot of skills and I really enjoy the work (and even my low salary could cover daycare many times over). |
Anonymous
Seriously- what's the point of this exchange? Sometimes DCUM is so useful for resources and suggestions, but I'm finding that more often than not hanging out here makes me feel like people are really just mean. And I know that's not true in my life, so I'm starting to think I have to give up DCUM for awhile. Too bad people can't be more respectful and civil, even if anonymous. |
Anonymous
| I'm a lot like your DW, and I found a career coach to be really helpful when getting back in the game. If nothing else, she forced me to network-- and made me report back to her to ensure I'd been following the program. |