How to be supportive: SAHM wants to go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, people. Instead of sitting around in a SAHM support group meeting, take some classes, work on your resume, and get out there.

Your advice is too general. What the pp proposed is a group for former Sahms who have made it out to meet with current Sahms who want out. The goal would be to share the strategies that worked for the women who found jobs, and to find from others who are still seeking jobs what hasn't worked. That kind of focused networking would be invaluable. Maybe you were thrown by the term "support group."

I am the now-WOHM from above who was talking about working on emotional resiliency and I think this is a great idea. It could be very helpful.

I was a SAHM for 12 years (some PT telework in between) and am now a WOHM. I guess if anyone should have been a basket case, it was me, but beyond the childcare issue, I'm not sure what is so special about a SAHM job search. You treat it the same as any job search with a large gap and/or career switch (because I do think a career switch might be a good idea for some longtime SAHMs, for various reasons).

I don't mean to sound snippy. Here is what's bugging me: The more you make this a SAHM thing, even in your own head, the less employable you will appear when you're on the market. This economy has tons of underemployed, young, smart people out there who don't have the baggage of kids and related resume gaps. I really feel that the sooner you lose that identity while in job search mode, the better you will do.

Maybe one or two meetings would be a good idea. After that, you have your strategies and you do the work on your own, IF you want it enough.

I know more than a few SAHMs who've been telling me for 10 years they "should take some classes" and "DH wants me to find what I want to do." They'd happily go to these group meetings for decades, so long as the family does not need the income. On the flip side, I've seen two friends put their butts in gear VERY quickly and land decent jobs when they were facing divorce.

So maybe the first question is, "How badly do I want or need this?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I should start a support group for SAHM who want to go back to work! I recently did it. It is a brutal process but worth it.

What say the rest of the SAHM who went back? Should I create the support group? Is this something your wife would do?

Yes to a support group.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, I am the above poster. I can't find anything. My ego admittedly keeps me from taking something below what I think I'm worth so it's a cycle. I know that these ego issues ruined me. I am just terrified of making a change and starting over at the bottom of the pile.

My DH makes a good living. And he's paid the loans and everything but I can see it in how he views me. He respected me so much more before I opted out and stopped trying to get back in. He's a lot like the OP and was supportive of me working. I just had excuses. And there are always reasons. But if I'm honest (and I am being brutal since this is anonymous), it was my ego. I failed and didn't want to face that.

I can see your point. I took a huge hit in pay and will admit many interviews were a chance for working moms to humiliate me but ... Wow maybe it wasn't worth it!

pp, would you be willing to share some of the interview stories? i just started my job search after staying at home for 2 years. not trying to be noisy, but would like to know what to expect? thanks a lot1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am totally the kind of person who pretends they want to work but is terrified of finding a job. As a SAHM, I have the ability to control my schedule insomuch as I am the boss of the kids. They go to school and I am around in the afternoon to shuttle them around. I also have a PhD but it was such a mistake that I regret (especially since my DH is paying the 150K of loans I racked up in school. He's justifiably bitter about it but deals.).

I am completely, utterly bored and unfulfilled. But I do my best to keep busy and focus on the kids and just keep going. I exercise. I take care of my looks. I have a great house. And I am completely brain dead from the lack of stimulation (I agree avoid the PTA, it's just a distraction). I feel for OP's wife because I am literally her future.

I realize the toll my opting out of my career has done to my life. I realize my marriage may collapse from my own resentment, my husband's resentment, and the kids obliviousness that we were people before they were people. I almost welcome the crash. My kids will be grown in college in 8 years. I can see my husband leaving. I think in those ashes, I may finally begin to begin. Because I am too scared to do anything now. I know that's a cop out but it is what it is.

OP, don't let your wife be me.

I'm so sorry you feel this way, but I CANNOT BELIEVE you spent 150k on an education you don't use and expect your DH to pay for it. I just can't believe it.

I was where you were are right now. What scared me straight was seeing my friend get divorced, and she was put in a position where she had to start earning money, and had no idea how to do it. I never wanted to be that. Sometimes a change in perspective is what's needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeez, people. Instead of sitting around in a SAHM support group meeting, take some classes, work on your resume, and get out there.

Your advice is too general. What the pp proposed is a group for former Sahms who have made it out to meet with current Sahms who want out. The goal would be to share the strategies that worked for the women who found jobs, and to find from others who are still seeking jobs what hasn't worked. That kind of focused networking would be invaluable. Maybe you were thrown by the term "support group."

I am the now-WOHM from above who was talking about working on emotional resiliency and I think this is a great idea. It could be very helpful.

I was a SAHM for 12 years (some PT telework in between) and am now a WOHM. I guess if anyone should have been a basket case, it was me, but beyond the childcare issue, I'm not sure what is so special about a SAHM job search. You treat it the same as any job search with a large gap and/or career switch (because I do think a career switch might be a good idea for some longtime SAHMs, for various reasons).

I don't mean to sound snippy. Here is what's bugging me: The more you make this a SAHM thing, even in your own head, the less employable you will appear when you're on the market. This economy has tons of underemployed, young, smart people out there who don't have the baggage of kids and related resume gaps. I really feel that the sooner you lose that identity while in job search mode, the better you will do.

Maybe one or two meetings would be a good idea. After that, you have your strategies and you do the work on your own, IF you want it enough.

I know more than a few SAHMs who've been telling me for 10 years they "should take some classes" and "DH wants me to find what I want to do." They'd happily go to these group meetings for decades, so long as the family does not need the income. On the flip side, I've seen two friends put their butts in gear VERY quickly and land decent jobs when they were facing divorce.

So maybe the first question is, "How badly do I want or need this?"

+1. OP -- what would happen if it became necessary for her to bring in income? Maybe she should start thinking in those terms. It's easier to find your dream job if you already have a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Take pro-bono cases. Argue a few cases before an ALJ, you can get tangible skills while you are off at home. I did that-- found a sitter and took several pro-bono cases to show employers that I could perform. It was tough, but so WORTH IT to be back at work. My kids are in school now, and I get so much life satisfaction from knowing I am contributing to the greater good. Again, this is what works for ME. I have many SAHM friends who are happy doing carpool/play dates, they really find fulfillment in that way. If that is not your cup of tea, then hustle.

Can you suggest where to look for a pro-bono cases? I contacted courts to get on the court appointed list, and they told me that I have to have an office in the county.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you excited that she is going back to work. You sound a bit ambivalent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I actually think it's a good idea. I think she is getting to the point where the benefits of being home aren't outweighed by the negatives and quite frankly my life is pretty much the same either way beyond arranging daycare, which isn't terribly difficult. I have a flexible, well-paid job, so I clearly will be the one handling snow days and doctor appointments and the like.

The issue my wife faces is really a resilience question. She had a former colleague go to lunch and that woman did a number on her confidence. Basically talked down to her and made her feel terrible. I know there are haters out there, but she is just in a sensitive spot and needs to get thicker skin. I know these things. I accept it. She is still struggling with them though...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I actually think it's a good idea. I think she is getting to the point where the benefits of being home aren't outweighed by the negatives and quite frankly my life is pretty much the same either way beyond arranging daycare, which isn't terribly difficult. I have a flexible, well-paid job, so I clearly will be the one handling snow days and doctor appointments and the like.

The issue my wife faces is really a resilience question. She had a former colleague go to lunch and that woman did a number on her confidence. Basically talked down to her and made her feel terrible. I know there are haters out there, but she is just in a sensitive spot and needs to get thicker skin. I know these things. I accept it. She is still struggling with them though...

I think she should start thinking about this as an issue to work on aside from work or not. I really don't think this is a work thing, though I do think working can help a lot with emotional resiliency. She needs to work on building emotional resiliency, work or not. She will need this when the kids are teenagers or leave the house, even if she never leaves the house. There are therapists that work with this, and that's where I think I'd start with her. Being emotionally fragile is no way to live. It makes every day life unhappy for everybody, not just her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Take pro-bono cases. Argue a few cases before an ALJ, you can get tangible skills while you are off at home. I did that-- found a sitter and took several pro-bono cases to show employers that I could perform. It was tough, but so WORTH IT to be back at work. My kids are in school now, and I get so much life satisfaction from knowing I am contributing to the greater good. Again, this is what works for ME. I have many SAHM friends who are happy doing carpool/play dates, they really find fulfillment in that way. If that is not your cup of tea, then hustle.

Can you suggest where to look for a pro-bono cases? I contacted courts to get on the court appointed list, and they told me that I have to have an office in the county.

This is PP. I'm not in DC, but in Cal (I used to live in dc for many years, that's where I got hooked on this board). Here in Cal several non-profits take attorney volunteers to take on cases. I volunteered with two - a DV clinic (mainly TROs, some custody) and an employment board where I both advised clients on employment matters and also took cases before an ALJ (UI hearings and the like). Both orgs paid for my insurnace, all I needed to do was take the cases. I shadowed a few attorney volunteers before I did the work, but it was generally very easy to write the appeal briefs and then argue before and ALJ. I got several writing samples and oral advocacy experience. 6 months of doing that and I landed a great job doing high-level policy/law work (unrelated to both DV and employment issues). My 5 year employment gap did not even matter -- I think employers just want to know you are not lazy and can perform.

Good luck!