Would you tell your son about your own rape?

[Anonymous]

I agree with the people who feel that hiding rape shames the victims. I see nothing wrong with speaking out about rape.

But I totally disagree with discussing it with your CHILDREN. Our job is to protect them, not burden them with our problems. And frankly I don't see the upside unless you strongly believe your son is a future rapist. I don't choose to share every detail of my life with my children and I have been stalked and sexually harrassed. If my daughter asked me directly I wouldn't lie about these things but I wouldn't volunteer them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I will tell my children. It is a part of who I am and influenced me in many ways. No need to hide it. In a very subtle and age appropriate way (I hope) I answered my 8 year old son's question about my worst day ever by saying that someone hurt me. We talked about how it was important not to hurt others. He never asked how I was hurt and I did not elaborate. I'm surprised at all the no's.

I think I would when it came up in conversation and I don't think you have to wait until college. I just told my 9 year old about a "creepy cousin" incident. We have previously talked a lot about good touches, bad touches etc. We were looking at family albums and I mentioned not liking these cousins. He asked why and I told him very briefly why I didn't like this cousin who tried to take my pants off when I was 9. That was it. Gross and move on.

[Anonymous]

Why would you tell that to your son? They are 10 and 12? They are still kids.

You are insane. Take it down a notch. Maybe when they are 17 and 18

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you tell that to your son? They are 10 and 12? They are still kids.

You are insane. Take it down a notch. Maybe when they are 17 and 18

Why would you think my kids are 10 and 12 ?? (OP here). They are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No definitely not. You say you are a strong woman, well then keep your past history to yourself. The only male who you should have shared such information with is DH. If there is no DH now, then your son should not be a replacement in any way. It is also very hard to say in college just what heavy or even light alcohol use or drug use may have been contributing factors to such situations on both sides. The one thing you can do for your son is to help him understand how drugs and alcohol and sex are not a good combination. And to have a relationship build around other things which in college could mean even a couple of dates beforehand. You have a history, but do not make him a continuing part of it. Also realize that such information never stays secret so would you really want it all around.

I don't know if this is your intention but your response reads like its something she should be ashamed of. Which is odd to me? Why should she be ashamed to the point of secrecy?

I'm not even advocating that she tell her son necessarily, but I don't get why no one should EVER know something like it but your DH.

I do agree that you shouldn't try to lean on your kids in absence of the support you would have in a spouse for any reason but that isn't necessarily the case here.

[Anonymous]

I think that's a pretty heavy burden to lay on a kid. How will it help him to know this?

[Anonymous]

You're not protecting your son by staying quiet. Kids hear about the word "rape" in popular culture and use it among themselves. At early ages, kids don't know what it means, but you still protect them against molestation, right, by talking about their body being THEIR OWN body, their privates being THEIR OWN and the importance of not hurting or being hurt by others?

Okay, so the foundation is there to talk about it. At different ages and states, there are different layers of approaching it.

But yes, definitely, I would say something. Rape and molestation are so GD common... Yes, yes, yes, definitely talk.

[Anonymous]

I told my son while he was in college, after he accidentally left a (girl) friend in an unsafe situation at a party. It led to a huge discussion about rape, date rape, rapes on college campuses, etc. Eventually he asked if I'd been raped. So I answered. Because I thought he was old enough, mature enough, to understand.

To understand why I didn't tell. To understand why I never reported it. To understand how it affected me as a kid and an adult and as a parent of kids. To understand why I hadn't told him earlier. He was very upset, especially that I'd never reported the guy to the police, or sued him, or something. It took him a while to stop seeing me as a victim. It took him a while to be talked down from going to kill the man who raped me.

I don't wish I hadn't told him, but it was hugely time-consuming and emotional to get through, and I'm glad I refused to give him details he asked for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you tell that to your son? They are 10 and 12? They are still kids.

You are insane. Take it down a notch. Maybe when they are 17 and 18

Why would you think my kids are 10 and 12 ?? (OP here). They are older.

Reading comprehension FAIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

+2

+100
And it's never "those women," whoever they are. It's people just like the ones you know and love.

[Anonymous]

I would tell your son. My grandma told me about being molested as a child and how common it used to be. It really changed my view of the past. I was naive before that. Didn't make me think differently of my grandma.

I think hiding shames victims as well.

I think parents are too cautious about sharing their successes and failures with their children. Children can learn from your mistakes (not saying your rape was your mistake) or issues just as you have.

[Anonymous]

Almost all of the responses on this thread bother me. It is fine if women want to tell their children about their rape. It is also fine if women choose not to. I don't think it is appropriate to be so judgmental. I assume that each woman knows what is best for her, based upon her own experience, personality, and relationship with her kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

+2

+3 seriously concerned about those that feel otherwise.

It's not a question of shame. It's a question of timing. A child should not carry the burden of the parent. Teach and educate but don't hand over emotional baggage a kid can't handle. Tell a child when they are an adult, the point is not to be ashamed of what happened not to scar a kid.

+1

It's not emotional baggage; it's the gift of family history and knowledge and understanding. If you raise a child right, your adult child will not only be able to handle it, your child will thank you for the gift of getting to know you better.

If you raise an adult who can't handle this information, you are truly doing it wrong.

My mother told me when I was 17 that she was raped when she was 19. It was a total shock, but I was honored that she told me and I was really blessed to have the information. it helped me understand so much about her relationship with my grandparents (they were not supportive) and all of the challenges she overcame as a young adult. It made me closer to her.

Op isn't asking about telling her adult children. She's asking about telling young boys not yet old enough to date. That's why there are so many "no" reactions.

PP here whose mom told me about the fact that a man raped her when she was 19. A man raped me when I was 21. I know I will tell my son someday, and I don't yet know when, but I can certainly see a context for a 13 or 14 year old young man to know about something like this. There are situations that could happen (like the PP whose daughter was raped, where the whole family then were told that their mom was a survivor), or perhaps an acquaintance of the son being raped, or a film in which rape came up, or a host of other reasons. It will really depend on the context and the maturity of the child, but I wouldn't rule out telling my child at a younger age if the situation fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the people who feel that hiding rape shames the victims. I see nothing wrong with speaking out about rape.

But I totally disagree with discussing it with your CHILDREN. Our job is to protect them, not burden them with our problems. And frankly I don't see the upside unless you strongly believe your son is a future rapist. I don't choose to share every detail of my life with my children and I have been stalked and sexually harrassed. If my daughter asked me directly I wouldn't lie about these things but I wouldn't volunteer them.

I don't believe my primary job in the world is to protect my children from sad or bad or upsetting news. I believe my job as a parent is to prepare my children for life as adults, and part of that includes building empathy, understanding, and responsibility. And it also includes teaching male children not to rape.

I highly doubt that the mothers of most rapists believe that their son is a rapist or ever believed they would be capable of becoming so. That doesn't absolve a parent from the responsibility of teaching about rape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I told my son while he was in college, after he accidentally left a (girl) friend in an unsafe situation at a party. It led to a huge discussion about rape, date rape, rapes on college campuses, etc. Eventually he asked if I'd been raped. So I answered. Because I thought he was old enough, mature enough, to understand.

To understand why I didn't tell. To understand why I never reported it. To understand how it affected me as a kid and an adult and as a parent of kids. To understand why I hadn't told him earlier. He was very upset, especially that I'd never reported the guy to the police, or sued him, or something. It took him a while to stop seeing me as a victim. It took him a while to be talked down from going to kill the man who raped me.

I don't wish I hadn't told him, but it was hugely time-consuming and emotional to get through, and I'm glad I refused to give him details he asked for.

Thank you so much for doing this. It was incredibly difficult for you and for your son, but I believe strongly that your son is going to be a better man for it, and he may very well help to educate other people about this. This is amazing parenting on your part, and I'm so glad you are raising a man in this world.