Would you tell your son about your own rape?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Have a frank discussion about no means no. About the physical, moral, legal obligations/risks of hooking up, having sex.
.

"No means no" is not enough. There needs to be consent. Not saying no does not constitute consent. We must teach "yes means yes".

[Anonymous]

If you had been mugged in college, would you hesitate to share that experience with your child?

No, because you would have no reason to be ashamed about that, and your child would have no reason to look at you differently knowing that fact about you.

I can see Dad not wanting to share that he raped a woman in college, but I see no reason for Mom not to talk about her experience being raped.

My case was more of a "I didn't try hard enough to stop it" date rape. But I still consider it rape, in the sense that I felt completely violated and abused. I would absolutely share that with a son or daughter when I felt they were mature enough to relate to the situation -- and certainly before they left for college, because it happened during the first semester of my freshman year, when I felt overwhelmed by my new freedom and at the same time unsure how to manage sexual relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

+2

[Anonymous]

Uhhh no. Seriously, you cant walk around playing a sad violin tune your entire life. The whole world, including your children, dont need to know that you were raped. Not sure what you think this information will do for them. To the person saying why lie, its not lying. I know no one that tells their children everything, like when they tried drugs, when you had a threesome, when you went skinny dipping, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh no. Seriously, you cant walk around playing a sad violin tune your entire life. The whole world, including your children, dont need to know that you were raped. Not sure what you think this information will do for them. To the person saying why lie, its not lying. I know no one that tells their children everything, like when they tried drugs, when you had a threesome, when you went skinny dipping, etc.

Because getting raped is comparable to trying drugs, having a threesome, or doing skinny-dipping? I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, your son is not your emotional tampon. What do you hope to achieve from sharing that?

What a loathsome shitstain this commenter is. Jesus. This might be the nastiest thing I've ever read on DCUM.

OP, I totally understand that your (correct) instinct to tell your son is not about spreading emotional pain but rather about building understanding, developing empathy, and sharing truth. Your son is lucky to have you as a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had been mugged in college, would you hesitate to share that experience with your child?

No, because you would have no reason to be ashamed about that, and your child would have no reason to look at you differently knowing that fact about you.

I can see Dad not wanting to share that he raped a woman in college, but I see no reason for Mom not to talk about her experience being raped.

My case was more of a "I didn't try hard enough to stop it" date rape. But I still consider it rape, in the sense that I felt completely violated and abused. I would absolutely share that with a son or daughter when I felt they were mature enough to relate to the situation -- and certainly before they left for college, because it happened during the first semester of my freshman year, when I felt overwhelmed by my new freedom and at the same time unsure how to manage sexual relationships.

+1 totally agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh no. Seriously, you cant walk around playing a sad violin tune your entire life. The whole world, including your children, dont need to know that you were raped. Not sure what you think this information will do for them. To the person saying why lie, its not lying. I know no one that tells their children everything, like when they tried drugs, when you had a threesome, when you went skinny dipping, etc.

Because getting raped is comparable to trying drugs, having a threesome, or doing skinny-dipping? I don't get it.

The point is, your children need not to know everything about you. Comparable or not.

[Anonymous]

If I had been raped, yes, I would tell him. But I would wait until he was in college like a PP mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh no. Seriously, you cant walk around playing a sad violin tune your entire life. The whole world, including your children, dont need to know that you were raped. Not sure what you think this information will do for them. To the person saying why lie, its not lying. I know no one that tells their children everything, like when they tried drugs, when you had a threesome, when you went skinny dipping, etc.

A threesome is private sexual behavior, and I don't think it is necessary in most cases to share private details of your sex life with anyone but sex partners.

I would certainly tell the truth about alcohol and drug use to my child, and I had any experience with skinny dipping, I would have no bother mentioning it (though I can't imagine a context when it would come up).

Disclosing that you have survived a violent crime is a very different category of disclosure, and I think it is an important and valuable story to share if a survivor feels ready to do so. We are raising men, not boys, and in the case of rape, it is particularly important that we raise men who don't rap and would never rape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Have a frank discussion about no means no. About the physical, moral, legal obligations/risks of hooking up, having sex.
.

"No means no" is not enough. There needs to be consent. Not saying no does not constitute consent. We must teach "yes means yes".

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh no. Seriously, you cant walk around playing a sad violin tune your entire life. The whole world, including your children, dont need to know that you were raped. Not sure what you think this information will do for them. To the person saying why lie, its not lying. I know no one that tells their children everything, like when they tried drugs, when you had a threesome, when you went skinny dipping, etc.

Because getting raped is comparable to trying drugs, having a threesome, or doing skinny-dipping? I don't get it.

The point is, your children need not to know everything about you. Comparable or not.

But perhaps your children should know about impactful events in your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh no. Seriously, you cant walk around playing a sad violin tune your entire life. The whole world, including your children, dont need to know that you were raped. Not sure what you think this information will do for them. To the person saying why lie, its not lying. I know no one that tells their children everything, like when they tried drugs, when you had a threesome, when you went skinny dipping, etc.

A threesome is private sexual behavior, and I don't think it is necessary in most cases to share private details of your sex life with anyone but sex partners.

I would certainly tell the truth about alcohol and drug use to my child, and I had any experience with skinny dipping, I would have no bother mentioning it (though I can't imagine a context when it would come up).

Disclosing that you have survived a violent crime is a very different category of disclosure, and I think it is an important and valuable story to share if a survivor feels ready to do so. We are raising men, not boys, and in the case of rape, it is particularly important that we raise men who don't rap and would never rape.

That is, don't rape. Rapping is fine. (Sorry - iPhone typing.)

The other point I meant to make is that your examples of sex, skinny dipping, and drug use are all those in which the mom is the actor, the agent of the activity. Rape is not a voluntary activity, it is a crime that someone else perpetrated on her. It is not some minor life event not worth mentioning. It is a life-altering violent crime that the woman has survived. Not mentioning it would be akin, as far as I'm concerned, to never mentioning having studied abroad or having had a previous marriage or having been adopted. It's something so significant that a person's closest lived ones should know and understand, if the survivor is ready and able to tell.

[Anonymous]

I'm sad to hear so many women on here have been violated.

If I were raped yes I would tell my son or daughter. If my son or daughter were raped themselves it may make it easier for them to know they have so one to talk to that has been through the experience before.

I will also talk to my son/daughter about gang mentality and cohersing someone into something that they really don't want to do.

Thank you for starting the conversation on s very important issue.