Would you tell your son about your own rape?
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Anonymous
| My son will soon be at the age of dating and eventually sexual relationships. I was raped in college and I want him to understand fully what that means and what it does to another human being. I am a strong person, a good mother and I have no reason to believe that my son would ever engage in such a thing, but I also think that people do things we can't always understand, especially when drugs/alcohol/group dynamics come into play. My rape was clear cut, not an ambiguous "not sure I should have slept with him" thing. Anyway, would you tell your child? |
Anonymous
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I would absolutely not tell him about rape.
Have a frank discussion about no means no. About the physical, moral, legal obligations/risks of hooking up, having sex. If you want to tell him at some point make sure it is at a place where he's a fully mature adult. Right now your impulse is more about your experience than helping him make good decisions. |
Anonymous
| I would definitely not and will not. However, I have spoken to my kids on multiple occasions about rape, violence, etc. I have also shared with them about the time I was given a date-rape drug and got really lucky that nothing happened to me. |
Anonymous
| When you say he'll begin dating -- how old is he? In some families, there are boyfriends/girlfriends at age 13, in others dating happens more in college. Honestly if he's a young teen, I'm not sure that he'll "get" the gravity of it -- the way he will at age 18 or age 20, once he's in college and sees how drunk college males act towards females. I'd wait until that age to tell him, rather than tell him at 14 that someone forced you to have sex bc he'll be thinking "ok so what -- I'm not that kind of guy." In college, he'll get the "lesson" re the fact that there are shades of gray -- what a guy views as consent may not be actual consent from the girl etc. And I imagine that's the lesson you want him to learn -- since he isn't the violent type who you fear will be raping girls at knife point. |
Anonymous
| No. Unless you decide that you are an activist and are going to speak publically about it. |
Anonymous
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Absolutely not. Do not burden him with that. You can have the conversations you need to gave without sharing your personal experience.
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Anonymous
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Unequivocal No. He'll have no tools to deal with that information and it'll in no way translate to his behaviors. Instead speak up and about rape, drinking, risk taking behaviors, etc.
There's nothing to be ashamed of or to silence yourself, but your relationship with your son is not the avenue. |
Anonymous
My sons are 12 and 10. We have talked about rape. They know that "no means no," but the best way to avoid rape is get her enthusiastic consent. "YES!" means "yes." I think that when my kids are old enough to understand that I have come to terms with this (18 or older), they are old enough to know about the rape, if the topic comes up. It's part of my history and my experience is one that other women have. Refusing to talk about rape around men means that men don't understand what women go through. They don't get it, because we protect them from it. It's kind of like abortion. Everyone knows someone who has had an abortion. 1 in 4 or 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in her life. We just don't talk about it. If more people know about our abortions, though, and about how we made the decision, maybe they would feel differently about the whole issue. |
Anonymous
| No, I would not bring it up. If my son asked me directly, I would answer honestly, but I would never raise the issue of my rape to him. I don't think it would help him understand what it does to another human being at all, since what it did to me never arises in the context of a mother/son relationship. |
Anonymous
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If you do, leave out the details completely. "You know, one out of every three women has experienced a sexual assault. You may know (like my friend before you were born). Or, you may not know. I don't tell people about having been raped in college." Mmmm...it a grenade no matter how you throw it. I totally understand why you would want to share this information. My mom told me and my brother (separately) about having had an abortion. I, a very young woman at the time, was really shaken by the news, my brother didn't even blink. Maybe it was more real and relevant to me? My brother was younger. She did a good job of teaching the lesson about abortion rights not being some far off theoretical thing. She'd had to fly to Mexico to get the procedure and even then it sounded horrific and amateurish. I'm surprised she was able to have us. My children are far too young to hear about my rape. I envision a conversation about consent, with my daughter and with my son. Very different conversations, I think. If it comes up, it will be in that context. TLDR/ How do you plan on having this conversation? What's your goal and do you think your son would gain anything from this information? |
Anonymous
| Hell no. |
Anonymous
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No definitely not. You say you are a strong woman, well then keep your past history to yourself. The only male who you should have shared such information with is DH. If there is no DH now, then your son should not be a replacement in any way. It is also very hard to say in college just what heavy or even light alcohol use or drug use may have been contributing factors to such situations on both sides. The one thing you can do for your son is to help him understand how drugs and alcohol and sex are not a good combination. And to have a relationship build around other things which in college could mean even a couple of dates beforehand. You have a history, but do not make him a continuing part of it. Also realize that such information never stays secret so would you really want it all around. |
Anonymous
Sons do not need to be told about their mother's rape - it is not the same as a woman talking about rape with men. |
Anonymous
| I told my son when he was in college, when he made a decision that he felt contributed to a girl he knew being raped. We then had to talk about it more than I would have wanted to, but it was okay. |
Anonymous
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Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?
Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it? |