Would you tell your son about your own rape?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I will tell my children. It is a part of who I am and influenced me in many ways. No need to hide it. In a very subtle and age appropriate way (I hope) I answered my 8 year old son's question about my worst day ever by saying that someone hurt me. We talked about how it was important not to hurt others. He never asked how I was hurt and I did not elaborate. I'm surprised at all the no's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had been mugged in college, would you hesitate to share that experience with your child?

No, because you would have no reason to be ashamed about that, and your child would have no reason to look at you differently knowing that fact about you.

I can see Dad not wanting to share that he raped a woman in college, but I see no reason for Mom not to talk about her experience being raped.

My case was more of a "I didn't try hard enough to stop it" date rape. But I still consider it rape, in the sense that I felt completely violated and abused. I would absolutely share that with a son or daughter when I felt they were mature enough to relate to the situation -- and certainly before they left for college, because it happened during the first semester of my freshman year, when I felt overwhelmed by my new freedom and at the same time unsure how to manage sexual relationships.

I lived in a very poor neighborhood and was attacked a few times, I was also threatened when I delivered pizzas in college.

I have never thought compelled to tell my kids ... Why would I? So they don't assault people? That does not make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. Do not burden him with that. You can have the conversations you need to gave without sharing your personal experience.

My sons are 12 and 10. We have talked about rape. They know that "no means no," but the best way to avoid rape is get her enthusiastic consent. "YES!" means "yes." I think that when my kids are old enough to understand that I have come to terms with this (18 or older), they are old enough to know about the rape, if the topic comes up. It's part of my history and my experience is one that other women have. Refusing to talk about rape around men means that men don't understand what women go through. They don't get it, because we protect them from it.

It's kind of like abortion. Everyone knows someone who has had an abortion. 1 in 4 or 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in her life. We just don't talk about it. If more people know about our abortions, though, and about how we made the decision, maybe they would feel differently about the whole issue.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Have a frank discussion about no means no. About the physical, moral, legal obligations/risks of hooking up, having sex.
.

"No means no" is not enough. There needs to be consent. Not saying no does not constitute consent. We must teach "yes means yes".

Not under the influence of alcohol or drugs. An important point that gets left out.

[Anonymous]

Wait, because I was raped I am a different person and my kids should know that?

NOT... I will not give the rapist the satisfaction of "making me different".

I am the same person I was before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No definitely not. You say you are a strong woman, well then keep your past history to yourself. The only male who you should have shared such information with is DH. If there is no DH now, then your son should not be a replacement in any way. It is also very hard to say in college just what heavy or even light alcohol use or drug use may have been contributing factors to such situations on both sides. The one thing you can do for your son is to help him understand how drugs and alcohol and sex are not a good combination. And to have a relationship build around other things which in college could mean even a couple of dates beforehand. You have a history, but do not make him a continuing part of it. Also realize that such information never stays secret so would you really want it all around.

I don't care about it staying a secret. That's part of what encourages rape culture. And the ONLY male I should tell is my husband. Wow. My father new, my brothers new, good male friends have known, previous serious relationships have knows. I find what you say very offensive. Men need to realize it can be their mother, sister, friend, child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

+2

+3 seriously concerned about those that feel otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No definitely not. You say you are a strong woman, well then keep your past history to yourself. The only male who you should have shared such information with is DH. If there is no DH now, then your son should not be a replacement in any way. It is also very hard to say in college just what heavy or even light alcohol use or drug use may have been contributing factors to such situations on both sides. The one thing you can do for your son is to help him understand how drugs and alcohol and sex are not a good combination. And to have a relationship build around other things which in college could mean even a couple of dates beforehand. You have a history, but do not make him a continuing part of it. Also realize that such information never stays secret so would you really want it all around.

I don't care about it staying a secret. That's part of what encourages rape culture. And the ONLY male I should tell is my husband. Wow. My father new, my brothers new, good male friends have known, previous serious relationships have knows. I find what you say very offensive. Men need to realize it can be their mother, sister, friend, child.

"Knew"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, because I was raped I am a different person and my kids should know that?

NOT... I will not give the rapist the satisfaction of "making me different".

I am the same person I was before.

Ok, I respect your way of handling it and not being victimized twice. But for me it did change me and I hope that from that violence I can help prevent violence. I work to raise sensitive children, but part of that may be their knowing someone who has actually been through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you had been mugged in college, would you hesitate to share that experience with your child?

No, because you would have no reason to be ashamed about that, and your child would have no reason to look at you differently knowing that fact about you.

I can see Dad not wanting to share that he raped a woman in college, but I see no reason for Mom not to talk about her experience being raped.

My case was more of a "I didn't try hard enough to stop it" date rape. But I still consider it rape, in the sense that I felt completely violated and abused. I would absolutely share that with a son or daughter when I felt they were mature enough to relate to the situation -- and certainly before they left for college, because it happened during the first semester of my freshman year, when I felt overwhelmed by my new freedom and at the same time unsure how to manage sexual relationships.

I lived in a very poor neighborhood and was attacked a few times, I was also threatened when I delivered pizzas in college.

I have never thought compelled to tell my kids ... Why would I? So they don't assault people? That does not make sense.

If one of your kids decided to move to a sketchy area and/or deliver pizza, do you think it might come up?

We're talking about making a concept real for kids. The idea of rape is one thing, the fact that my mom was raped is another.

And as PPs have said, keeping it a secret is just perpetuating the idea that being raped is something to be ashamed of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you had been mugged in college, would you hesitate to share that experience with your child?

No, because you would have no reason to be ashamed about that, and your child would have no reason to look at you differently knowing that fact about you.

I can see Dad not wanting to share that he raped a woman in college, but I see no reason for Mom not to talk about her experience being raped.

My case was more of a "I didn't try hard enough to stop it" date rape. But I still consider it rape, in the sense that I felt completely violated and abused. I would absolutely share that with a son or daughter when I felt they were mature enough to relate to the situation -- and certainly before they left for college, because it happened during the first semester of my freshman year, when I felt overwhelmed by my new freedom and at the same time unsure how to manage sexual relationships.

I lived in a very poor neighborhood and was attacked a few times, I was also threatened when I delivered pizzas in college.

I have never thought compelled to tell my kids ... Why would I? So they don't assault people? That does not make sense.

If one of your kids decided to move to a sketchy area and/or deliver pizza, do you think it might come up?

We're talking about making a concept real for kids. The idea of rape is one thing, the fact that my mom was raped is another.

And as PPs have said, keeping it a secret is just perpetuating the idea that being raped is something to be ashamed of.

No. My H works with crime victims and it can happen to anyone anywhere so they need to always be safe and are, not just when they are in a bad neighborhood or delivering pizzas.

The message is the same regardless of it happening to me. An, they could just say... They was long ago or you lived in a bad neighborhood. They need to see it could happen to them. Studies show male college students who hear from a males that was raped are much more affected by those story and more empathetic than hearing about women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, because I was raped I am a different person and my kids should know that?

NOT... I will not give the rapist the satisfaction of "making me different".

I am the same person I was before.

Ok, I respect your way of handling it and not being victimized twice. But for me it did change me and I hope that from that violence I can help prevent violence. I work to raise sensitive children, but part of that may be their knowing someone who has actually been through it.

If you are going to use your story to help others then tell the story, I just don't understand... This is a secret but I told my son, like he needs to "keep your secret".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you had been mugged in college, would you hesitate to share that experience with your child?

No, because you would have no reason to be ashamed about that, and your child would have no reason to look at you differently knowing that fact about you.

I can see Dad not wanting to share that he raped a woman in college, but I see no reason for Mom not to talk about her experience being raped.

My case was more of a "I didn't try hard enough to stop it" date rape. But I still consider it rape, in the sense that I felt completely violated and abused. I would absolutely share that with a son or daughter when I felt they were mature enough to relate to the situation -- and certainly before they left for college, because it happened during the first semester of my freshman year, when I felt overwhelmed by my new freedom and at the same time unsure how to manage sexual relationships.

I agree with this. I can understand if OP doesn't want to share it, but if she's willing to share it, then I don't see why not.

[Anonymous]

Huh? I don't view it as a secret??!

[Anonymous]

Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

I'm not ashamed of it. If, by chance, my son asked me if I was raped, I would answer honestly, but I don't desire to bring it up. I don't feel that I have some obligation to raise it if I don't want to. Frankly, it doesn't matter to me if someone else doesn't understand. It's my experience, and this is how it works best for me to handle it.