Would you tell your son about your own rape?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. Do not burden him with that. You can have the conversations you need to gave without sharing your personal experience.

My sons are 12 and 10. We have talked about rape. They know that "no means no," but the best way to avoid rape is get her enthusiastic consent. "YES!" means "yes." I think that when my kids are old enough to understand that I have come to terms with this (18 or older), they are old enough to know about the rape, if the topic comes up. It's part of my history and my experience is one that other women have. Refusing to talk about rape around men means that men don't understand what women go through. They don't get it, because we protect them from it.

It's kind of like abortion. Everyone knows someone who has had an abortion. 1 in 4 or 1 in 3 women will have an abortion in her life. We just don't talk about it. If more people know about our abortions, though, and about how we made the decision, maybe they would feel differently about the whole issue.

Wow, my oldest is 8 and I didn't realize I'd be talking about rape in just a few years! Something to think about for me.

Interesting thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh? I don't view it as a secret??!

If it is NOT a secret, then he will eventually find out from somebody, right. So the question is should I tell him before somebody else does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I will tell my children. It is a part of who I am and influenced me in many ways. No need to hide it. In a very subtle and age appropriate way (I hope) I answered my 8 year old son's question about my worst day ever by saying that someone hurt me. We talked about how it was important not to hurt others. He never asked how I was hurt and I did not elaborate. I'm surprised at all the no's.

Kudos to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I will tell my children. It is a part of who I am and influenced me in many ways. No need to hide it. In a very subtle and age appropriate way (I hope) I answered my 8 year old son's question about my worst day ever by saying that someone hurt me. We talked about how it was important not to hurt others. He never asked how I was hurt and I did not elaborate. I'm surprised at all the no's.

Kudos to you.

Agree!!

[Anonymous]

No. Maybe if he asks directly, maybe when he's an adult but now, no. I don't see that conversation achieving anything OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh no. Seriously, you cant walk around playing a sad violin tune your entire life. The whole world, including your children, dont need to know that you were raped. Not sure what you think this information will do for them. To the person saying why lie, its not lying. I know no one that tells their children everything, like when they tried drugs, when you had a threesome, when you went skinny dipping, etc.

Educate them that what they think they know about victims may not be true. Teach them empathy for a victim. Give them one example of how something like that could happen. Tell them not to victim blame.

You don't seem to know much about victims. I hope that by talking to my kids I could teach them to have more understanding that you do. Talking about a rape isn't a "poor me" pity party. It's a thing that happened to me. It was bad. I got through it. It's just part of my history. It's not something I dwell on. It's not something I think I should be ashamed of, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

+2

+3 seriously concerned about those that feel otherwise.

It's not a question of shame. It's a question of timing. A child should not carry the burden of the parent. Teach and educate but don't hand over emotional baggage a kid can't handle. Tell a child when they are an adult, the point is not to be ashamed of what happened not to scar a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uhhh no. Seriously, you cant walk around playing a sad violin tune your entire life. The whole world, including your children, dont need to know that you were raped. Not sure what you think this information will do for them. To the person saying why lie, its not lying. I know no one that tells their children everything, like when they tried drugs, when you had a threesome, when you went skinny dipping, etc.

Educate them that what they think they know about victims may not be true. Teach them empathy for a victim. Give them one example of how something like that could happen. Tell them not to victim blame.

You don't seem to know much about victims. I hope that by talking to my kids I could teach them to have more understanding that you do. Talking about a rape isn't a "poor me" pity party. It's a thing that happened to me. It was bad. I got through it. It's just part of my history. It's not something I dwell on. It's not something I think I should be ashamed of, either.

+1000 You are awesome. I'm glad you are raising kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

+2

+3 seriously concerned about those that feel otherwise.

It's not a question of shame. It's a question of timing. A child should not carry the burden of the parent. Teach and educate but don't hand over emotional baggage a kid can't handle. Tell a child when they are an adult, the point is not to be ashamed of what happened not to scar a kid.

+1

[Anonymous]

No way! Way, way, way TMI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

+2

+3 seriously concerned about those that feel otherwise.

It's not a question of shame. It's a question of timing. A child should not carry the burden of the parent. Teach and educate but don't hand over emotional baggage a kid can't handle. Tell a child when they are an adult, the point is not to be ashamed of what happened not to scar a kid.

+1

It's not emotional baggage; it's the gift of family history and knowledge and understanding. If you raise a child right, your adult child will not only be able to handle it, your child will thank you for the gift of getting to know you better.

If you raise an adult who can't handle this information, you are truly doing it wrong.

My mother told me when I was 17 that she was raped when she was 19. It was a total shock, but I was honored that she told me and I was really blessed to have the information. it helped me understand so much about her relationship with my grandparents (they were not supportive) and all of the challenges she overcame as a young adult. It made me closer to her.

[Anonymous]

Yes, of course. In context, yes, yes, yes I definitely would.

[Anonymous]

I was raped in college. My husband knew but my kids never did. My kids are in high school. I wasn't hiding it, it just never occurred to me to tell them.

Until my daughter was raped. The experience traumatized her, me, and became a family experience. My two sons knew what happened and the family got through it together. During that process, my kids learned about my experience. In the end, my sons saw the trauma their sister experienced first hand, and understood it. They were upset but not traumatized for life. They will be better men for the understanding.

OP, my feeling on this is you need to handle it however you feel best. Certainly I don't feel you need to be ashamed and this is no secret, but it is your personal information to share as you decide to.

And ps: as a rape survivor, I am personally concerned about rape being defined recently as "saying yes if you are drunk". If two people have been drinking and have consensual sex, that's not rape IMO. Regret the next day for drunken sex does not equal rape IMO. I get worried about all of these "I consider what I went through to be rape" comments. If you are raped there is certainly no damn question about it in the moment.

[Anonymous]

wow I was rapped, stabbed and beaten with a rebar and never thought of telling my children any details of my assault. Yes they know I was attacked as part of a discussion on personal safety, standing up for your rights and respecting the rights of others but, why would I ever burden them with the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't understand all the no's at all. I absolutely will tell my son that a man raped me, and also that another man abused me sexually when I was 12. If everyone is unwilling to tell the people closest to them that men have raped them, is it any wonder that so few people believe thy do many of us have been raped?

Why would you not tell your truth? It's obviously a life-altering, important life event. Why on earth hide it?

+1. It's not shameful and it's important for all people to see who the victims are.

+2

+3 seriously concerned about those that feel otherwise.

It's not a question of shame. It's a question of timing. A child should not carry the burden of the parent. Teach and educate but don't hand over emotional baggage a kid can't handle. Tell a child when they are an adult, the point is not to be ashamed of what happened not to scar a kid.

+1

It's not emotional baggage; it's the gift of family history and knowledge and understanding. If you raise a child right, your adult child will not only be able to handle it, your child will thank you for the gift of getting to know you better.

If you raise an adult who can't handle this information, you are truly doing it wrong.

My mother told me when I was 17 that she was raped when she was 19. It was a total shock, but I was honored that she told me and I was really blessed to have the information. it helped me understand so much about her relationship with my grandparents (they were not supportive) and all of the challenges she overcame as a young adult. It made me closer to her.

Op isn't asking about telling her adult children. She's asking about telling young boys not yet old enough to date. That's why there are so many "no" reactions.