IL's think im rude for writing thank you notes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

That's interesting. I was raised to send everyone thank you notes. Anyone else had the same experience as this PP?

I was raised to call family and thank them verbally, unless they were long-distance (remember that?); otherwise, I wrote a note. My mom said that my relatives liked to talk to me and enjoyed the conversation. She also does not write thank-you notes, but is incredibly prompt about calling everyone who gives her a gift and thanking them. Thanking someone in person or over the phone was more friendly and intimate. FWIW, you write a thank-you note because you are not able to thank the giver in person. There's nothing inherently "better" about a note v. a phone call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I opened gifts with my sister at Christmas, in the same room, and we all verbally thanked each other, I would think it's weird for her to then send me a thank you note in the mail.

If we weren't in the same room, I'd thank her over the phone because she's my sister.

When my mother's distant cousins mail a gift for the baby, I send a thank you note.

This is basically my view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - They don't like you, so stop wasting your time.

Your in laws are losers.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to write thank you notes for gifts that you thank verbally in person when receiving them. (Sorry, I know that was bad grammar, but I'm rushing.)

You do need to send written thank you's for gifts when you couldn't thank the giver in person.

I would be tempted to say, "I've heard that you are not comfortable with me sending written thank you notes. I just want you to know how much I appreciate your generosity, but if that's not done in your family, I will be happy to thank you in person if you think that's okay!"

FWIW, no one in my immediate family sends thank you's for gifts, and certainly never if they are exchanged in person. If I got a written thank you from my brother's wife, I'd feel like it was a sign that she didn't consider us family. You might keep that in mind. We do always thank non-family members or distant family in writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

That's interesting. I was raised to send everyone thank you notes. Anyone else had the same experience as this PP?

To me it's a formal thing to do. Sending thank you notes to close relatives seems like you're telling them you're not really that close.

[Anonymous]

I was raised to write thank you notes and made my kids do it for many years -- For example, we would open Christmas gifts at grandma's house, with lots of verbal thanks, and I would be writing down everything the kids received so that they could write a note when they got back home. Somewhere along the way, I stopped making them write notes if they opened a gift in person, with thanks given in person. Maybe I just got lazy, but I think it has something to do with how the notes grandma writes make me feel -- as others have mentioned, no matter how "folksy" she writes them, they leave me cold, with an overly-formal, stilted, distant, and obligatory feel. And this is going to sound awful and I'm not sure why it is the case, but I find writing them to be such a chore, that often I would prefer never to have received the gift rather than have to write a note.... I still stress thank you notes in certain situations (we write notes to grandma for birthday gifts received in the mail, for things like making a special trip to see one of the grandchildren, etc.).... I don't know, I was just thinking about this in the last few days, thinking maybe I should make us all write grandma notes again. Although they have a pretentious feel to me coming from a very close family member, she clearly believes in them and so presumably appreciates (and expects) them.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm. I am not close to any of my inlaws. This is a gift exchange that they do ever year, and I do not know the person who gave me my gift well. I did, however, also send thank you notes to each inlaw (parents-in-law too) who sent a wedding gift a few years back. Maybe I am just too formal.

[Anonymous]

^^^ Forgot to say, the above is OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

That's interesting. I was raised to send everyone thank you notes. Anyone else had the same experience as this PP?

To me it's a formal thing to do. Sending thank you notes to close relatives seems like you're telling them you're not really that close.

That is really dumb. I took the time to write you a thank you note, stamp it and mail it, so that means I do not feel close to you. How in the world does that even begin to make sense???

[Anonymous]

I was raised to write thank you notes but as an adult that has gradually been replaced by thanking in person, or call/email out of towners. My mom used to be furious when she's receive no acknowledgement from an out of town relative that a gift was received.

However, my ILs are faithful thank you note writers, so I usually send them notes as well, particularly when we don't see them in person for the holiday. Gotta get on that, we received separate notes from MIL, SIL, niece and nephew yesterday!

[Anonymous]

If you have children today, it is a very good practice to teach and also a good skill to show them how to craft a simple thank you note. We always just put a small packet of thank you notes in their Christmas stockng. It will not be too long before a short, handwritten thank you note for a reference for an internship, summer job, referral to a regular job might really pay dividends for your son or daughter. Same skill is good to have in writing to thank anyone who goes out of their way to help you in some way - new baby, meal if someone in family is sick etc. It all comes down to courtesy and kindness.

[Anonymous]

I don't object to thank you notes at all, especially for mailed gifts. But I'm confused...

If my kids receive a gift through the mail from grandparents/aunt/uncle/cousin whoever - they should write a thank you note to that relative?

But if my kids send a gift through the mail to their grandparents/aunt/uncle/cousin - they should not expect to receive a thank you note?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't object to thank you notes at all, especially for mailed gifts. But I'm confused...

If my kids receive a gift through the mail from grandparents/aunt/uncle/cousin whoever - they should write a thank you note to that relative?

But if my kids send a gift through the mail to their grandparents/aunt/uncle/cousin - they should not expect to receive a thank you note?

Not that this is a concern for me personally - it's more a question to the folks above who think that kids write thank you notes but grown ups saying verbal thanks is enough....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't object to thank you notes at all, especially for mailed gifts. But I'm confused...

If my kids receive a gift through the mail from grandparents/aunt/uncle/cousin whoever - they should write a thank you note to that relative?

But if my kids send a gift through the mail to their grandparents/aunt/uncle/cousin - they should not expect to receive a thank you note?

Of course they should get a thank you note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't object to thank you notes at all, especially for mailed gifts. But I'm confused...

If my kids receive a gift through the mail from grandparents/aunt/uncle/cousin whoever - they should write a thank you note to that relative?

But if my kids send a gift through the mail to their grandparents/aunt/uncle/cousin - they should not expect to receive a thank you note?

Of course they should get a thank you note.

Some of the previous posters seemed to think that the notes weren't necessary for adults but mannerly for kids. I was just wondering the rationale behind that. We've been fortunate to live close to family so it hasn't been an issue.