IL's think im rude for writing thank you notes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's because many people don't bother anymore, so it makes them feel inferior. Since etiquette is all about making others feel comfortable, the correct step here is to stop sending them, and thank them verbally.

yes this is correct. Sad, but true.

Really? Isn't it their problem that they don't feel comfortable? Also, OP, where/how did you learn that they don't like your notes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

That's interesting. I was raised to send everyone thank you notes. Anyone else had the same experience as this PP?

PP you are responding to. To be clear, I am first generation American. My naturalized parents are Chinese and the Chinese don't generally send thank you notes. They adapted to American culture and sent out thank you notes except to family and close Chinese friends where the culture doesn't normally practice that form of courtesy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

That's interesting. I was raised to send everyone thank you notes. Anyone else had the same experience as this PP?

PP you are responding to. To be clear, I am first generation American. My naturalized parents are Chinese and the Chinese don't generally send thank you notes. They adapted to American culture and sent out thank you notes except to family and close Chinese friends where the culture doesn't normally practice that form of courtesy.

My family has been here since the 1600s and we do this too, although it was never spelled out as official family policy. Close aunt gives a gift - thank her in person next time I see her, or have my mom pass along thanks. Uncle on other side of the country that we never see sends a gift - he gets a handwritten card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

That's interesting. I was raised to send everyone thank you notes. Anyone else had the same experience as this PP?

PP you are responding to. To be clear, I am first generation American. My naturalized parents are Chinese and the Chinese don't generally send thank you notes. They adapted to American culture and sent out thank you notes except to family and close Chinese friends where the culture doesn't normally practice that form of courtesy.

Oh, thank you! Ignorant of me to have assumed *my way* was universal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

That's interesting. I was raised to send everyone thank you notes. Anyone else had the same experience as this PP?

PP you are responding to. To be clear, I am first generation American. My naturalized parents are Chinese and the Chinese don't generally send thank you notes. They adapted to American culture and sent out thank you notes except to family and close Chinese friends where the culture doesn't normally practice that form of courtesy.

My family has been here since the 1600s and we do this too, although it was never spelled out as official family policy. Close aunt gives a gift - thank her in person next time I see her, or have my mom pass along thanks. Uncle on other side of the country that we never see sends a gift - he gets a handwritten card.

Gosh, I wish I'd known this! Must be more common than I thought. I always write/write thank you notes to everyone I didn't receive gifts from in person.

Now I'm seriously reconsidering my thank you note policy. First world problems.

[Anonymous]

Notes or not, if I overhead that I assure you it would be a long time before I darkened the door again!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

This +100

If it's gifts for the kids, take a picture and mail to them or have kids send a thanks grandma handmade card. Stop the formality bs with close family. My mil does this and it's annoying. When she stays w us for a week, the day she leaves she puts a stamped thank you notecard in our mailbox. Weird. My mom would never do this. My mom would write a short thank you and leave on the counter. See the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: they do not do thank you notes either. They also do not RSVP to weddings except verbally. It's like they have objections to written words. DH says I can keep sending them but they will think I'm stuck up.

What's their background?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I write thank you notes for all but close family and close friends. I was taught that thank you notes were formal and that for those who you are close and more familiar that verbal thank yous are more appropriate. A written thank you conveys that you feel they aren't close enough and treat them formally instead of familiarly. It's similar to who you call beloved nicknames vs who you address more formally. So, siblings, parents, very close family that we see regularly, or very lose friends, I don't send thank yous. Others, I do.

Your in-laws may also feel similar and feel that you are treating them more formally and distantly by sending thank you notes instead of thanking them in person or calling them to thank them, which is how my family would convey gratitude if we were not there in person.

That's interesting. I was raised to send everyone thank you notes. Anyone else had the same experience as this PP?

Sort of. If we are seeing them anyway and thanking them in person so we don't send thank you notes on top of verbal thank yous. Now that we have moved we call and thank the person over the phone right away or we thank them when we see them the next time and really that should be enough. Usually.

[Anonymous]

^I'll add that I still think it would be weird for a person to be actually offended by receiving a thank you note. That just seems like someone looking for a reason to be mad..

[Anonymous]

Telling someone they're rude or stuck up for writing thank you notes is just asinine. Saying thank you is never rude.

I just don't get people like your in-laws. Sorry you're stuck with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling someone they're rude or stuck up for writing thank you notes is just asinine. Saying thank you is never rude.

I just don't get people like your in-laws. Sorry you're stuck with them.

Unless you are holding against them for not writing thank yous on top of verbal thank yous...

that might get annoying. High maintenance...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^I'll add that I still think it would be weird for a person to be actually offended by receiving a thank you note. That just seems like someone looking for a reason to be mad..

That.

One may find it unusual (e.g. it's not done in my culture except for very formal situations, such as a wedding) but I don't think anyone would ever find it rude or annoying. Unusual, if anything. But getting mad for being thanked is exactly looking for a reason to be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, wait a minute. If they gave you the gifts in person and you already thanked them in person, it would be inappropriate to also send a thank you card. So it depends on context.

Excellent point. We do thank you notes for gifts we open up when the gift giver is not present. For example we are handed the gifts at the bday party but we don't open them until we get home, therefore we send a Thank You card.
Now I have mixed feelings.

+2

[Anonymous]

I missed where you overheard them saying you were rude for sending TY notes. Rude isn't the same thing as pretentious.

Like the first generation Chinese poster and the one who's family has been here since the 1600s, I was raised that TY cards are more formal and not required for close family and friends. We certainly thank those people for their gifts and kindnesses but we do not send them TY cards.