IL's think im rude for writing thank you notes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - They don't like you, so stop wasting your time.

This. I have found with inlaws (and others) that if they don't like you, everything you do is wrong/offensive. But they are more than forgiving/tolerant with the ones they do like.

I believe it happens in the workplace as well. Someone will complain up and down about a supposedly small, annoying thing a coworker they dislike does, but they will forgive the big, egregious things their coworkers who are also friends do.

If I were you, I'd actually keep doing what you are doing. If you do thank-you notes because you feel it is the appropriate response to a gift, then send the thank-you notes -- even to the ones who think it is pretentious. Don't let their pettiness change who you are.

It would be different if the behavior that offends them were actually offensive/inappropriate behavior. But it sounds more like they feel threatened by you/don't like you. If you suddenly stop sending thank-you notes, I promise you that you'll eventually hear that there was gossip about that --- "I got Larla a really nice baby shower/Christmas/birthday present, and she didn't send me a thank-you note. She sends them to everyone else!"

The best defense against people talking sh*t about you is to decide who you are, who you want to be, how you think it is best to behave, and stick pretty closely to that. Let them say what they will say. If you are confident in your actions/behavior, then don't let them change who you are.

As a side note, I like to send thank-you notes. My parents never made me do it, so it isn't even that. I just think that it's a nice way to acknowledge someone gave you something. I also like to get thank-you notes, because it makes me feel like the person took the time to acknowledge that they received a gift, as opposed to seeing gifts as things they are entitled to.

I don't care if people think I'm rude/pretentious/whatever. I think people who don't do something like a thank-you card (or phone call or email or SOMETHiNG) when they receive a gift are likely some combination of entitled and/or lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's because many people don't bother anymore, so it makes them feel inferior. Since etiquette is all about making others feel comfortable, the correct step here is to stop sending them, and thank them verbally.

I disagree with this. I don't think that etiquette is just about making others feel comfortable. Etiquette is actually about so much more. It is about maintaining civility. We are animals, and contrary to what some might think, society/civilization requires certain boundaries and foundations.

[Anonymous]

Are there kids involved? I have to say that I don't personally write a thank you note to my MIL, but the kids do write them.

I do appreciate the idea that maybe it makes the ILs feel to formal. I don't write thank you notes to my parents. (but the kids do). Do whatever makes you feel good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you know it makes them uncomfortable, the classiest thing to do is to not send thank you notes -- to them. Keep sending them to the rest of the world, because most of us like it!

I agree with this. If you know that writing the thank you note will solely make you feel good and the recipient feel bad, then manners dictate you should stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's because many people don't bother anymore, so it makes them feel inferior. Since etiquette is all about making others feel comfortable, the correct step here is to stop sending them, and thank them verbally.

I disagree with this. I don't think that etiquette is just about making others feel comfortable. Etiquette is actually about so much more. It is about maintaining civility. We are animals, and contrary to what some might think, society/civilization requires certain boundaries and foundations.

I shudder to think where our society would be without thank you cards. I sleep soundly at night knowing I do my part in maintaining the foundations of society.

[Anonymous]

Pearls before swine. Give it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's because many people don't bother anymore, so it makes them feel inferior. Since etiquette is all about making others feel comfortable, the correct step here is to stop sending them, and thank them verbally.

I disagree with this. I don't think that etiquette is just about making others feel comfortable. Etiquette is actually about so much more. It is about maintaining civility. We are animals, and contrary to what some might think, society/civilization requires certain boundaries and foundations.

And what's te purpose of boundaries and foundations? To make people feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's because many people don't bother anymore, so it makes them feel inferior. Since etiquette is all about making others feel comfortable, the correct step here is to stop sending them, and thank them verbally.

I disagree with this. I don't think that etiquette is just about making others feel comfortable. Etiquette is actually about so much more. It is about maintaining civility. We are animals, and contrary to what some might think, society/civilization requires certain boundaries and foundations.

Etiquette varies dramatically from culture to culture. Do you always make sure to eat only wit your right hand, and also bow when you meet someone? In other cultures those are pretty necessary. Yet here in the US we do just fine without tose boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Troll. Pretentious bitch for thank you cards? Stirring it up in 2015, huh, OP?

[Anonymous]

You aren't pretentious, they have no manners. Strap writing them thank you notes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll. Pretentious bitch for thank you cards? Stirring it up in 2015, huh, OP?

How lovely that you don't know people like my in-laws.

For whoever asked, they are American, been here for years, although not WASPy or anything like that. They also never came right out and said it, but I did think "pretentious bitch" covered it well enough.

I'm going to stop sending them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll. Pretentious bitch for thank you cards? Stirring it up in 2015, huh, OP?

How lovely that you don't know people like my in-laws.

For whoever asked, they are American, been here for years, although not WASPy or anything like that. They also never came right out and said it, but I did think "pretentious bitch" covered it well enough.

I'm going to stop sending them.

I'm the pp. Funny, the thread was based on your overhearing someone calling you a pretentious bitch and now they "also never came right out and said it."

You're a liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll. Pretentious bitch for thank you cards? Stirring it up in 2015, huh, OP?

How lovely that you don't know people like my in-laws.

For whoever asked, they are American, been here for years, although not WASPy or anything like that. They also never came right out and said it, but I did think "pretentious bitch" covered it well enough.

I'm going to stop sending them.

I'm the pp. Funny, the thread was based on your overhearing someone calling you a pretentious bitch and now they "also never came right out and said it."

You're a liar.

They never came right out and said they didn't like me, as a PP asked.

They did call me a pretentious bitch. Perhaps you didn't read all the posts.

[Anonymous]

If I opened gifts with my sister at Christmas, in the same room, and we all verbally thanked each other, I would think it's weird for her to then send me a thank you note in the mail.

If we weren't in the same room, I'd thank her over the phone because she's my sister.

When my mother's distant cousins mail a gift for the baby, I send a thank you note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you know it makes them uncomfortable, the classiest thing to do is to not send thank you notes -- to them. Keep sending them to the rest of the world, because most of us like it!

+1.

At the core, manners are about making others feel comfortable and respected, so if you're sure it's a genuine preference I would stop writing thank you notes to the ILs, and just either tell them thank you in person, call, or email instead.